Budtoker
12-09-2005, 06:23 PM
.......yeah as fucking if !
I particularly like the one about the werewolf and the french woman.
Enjoy
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian." -- Jed Babbin, former Undersecretary of Defense
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a National crisis. They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.
He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.
"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."
The group became silent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.
The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you say hello in French?
A. "I Surrender."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?
A. They rarely get attacked from behind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Don't know, it's never been tried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?
A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. Their army.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are French streets tree-lined?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel?
A: A start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?
A: There are skid marks before the hedgehog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do the French smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where can you find 90,000,000 French jokes?
A: In France
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French?
A: "Speed bump ahead"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
A: People were confused about which side to spit on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man asks his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paris (Associated Press)
French to Send Surrender Advisors to Iraq
In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the War on Terror after all. Five hundred soldiers from the elite L'Abandonnement du Field d'Honneur Battalion de Français (French Surrender Battalion) of the Étranger Légion (Foreign Legion) are in the process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist the elite Iraqi Republican Guards in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming might of the American and British Armed Forces.
"Eet ees important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering," said General Philippe de Peepee, the Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has personally surrendered in more than 200 battles going back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954.
"We French are ze world masters at surrendering, n'est ce pas, not like you arrogant Americans who never surrender. Ha, I spit on your filthy American victories."
President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateur Français (French Collaboration Force) to assist the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.
When Saddam Hussein asked Chirac to advise him as to how many troops would be needed to defend his capital city, Chirac replied, "I do not know. France has no experience in defending its capital city."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from "Run" to "Hide".
If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to "Surrender", or even as high as "Collaborate".
I particularly like the one about the werewolf and the french woman.
Enjoy
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian." -- Jed Babbin, former Undersecretary of Defense
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a National crisis. They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.
He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.
"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."
The group became silent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.
The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you say hello in French?
A. "I Surrender."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?
A. They rarely get attacked from behind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Don't know, it's never been tried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?
A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. Their army.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are French streets tree-lined?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel?
A: A start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?
A: There are skid marks before the hedgehog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do the French smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where can you find 90,000,000 French jokes?
A: In France
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French?
A: "Speed bump ahead"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
A: People were confused about which side to spit on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man asks his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paris (Associated Press)
French to Send Surrender Advisors to Iraq
In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the War on Terror after all. Five hundred soldiers from the elite L'Abandonnement du Field d'Honneur Battalion de Français (French Surrender Battalion) of the Étranger Légion (Foreign Legion) are in the process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist the elite Iraqi Republican Guards in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming might of the American and British Armed Forces.
"Eet ees important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering," said General Philippe de Peepee, the Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has personally surrendered in more than 200 battles going back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954.
"We French are ze world masters at surrendering, n'est ce pas, not like you arrogant Americans who never surrender. Ha, I spit on your filthy American victories."
President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateur Français (French Collaboration Force) to assist the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.
When Saddam Hussein asked Chirac to advise him as to how many troops would be needed to defend his capital city, Chirac replied, "I do not know. France has no experience in defending its capital city."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from "Run" to "Hide".
If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to "Surrender", or even as high as "Collaborate".