chipremington
02-24-2006, 10:30 AM
Zombies. The unliving dead. Call them what you will, the facts remain the same: the dead are returning to life (but staying dead) and they are making one holy heck of a nuisance of themselves! At the moment we arrogantly believe that we have these flesh-nibbling idiots safely under control, but how long can it really be before they rise up and bite us on the ass - literally?
In preparation for this inevitable assault on our asses by these stiff pricks, here are some zombie facts and survival tips:
Zombies can’t run, so one of the easiest ways to avoid them is just to make sure you are running at all times. Wherever you go, whatever you do, don’t ever stop running, even for a second.
Anyone who staggers towards you with their eyes glazed over, their mouth open and their throat emitting an inhuman groaning sound should be shot in the head immediately. Other people might try to admonish you for this, but I say it’s better to be safe and kill 18 people who were “just yawning” than to be sorry.
In a recent survey, male zombies revealed that the quality they found most attractive in a member of the opposite sex was ‘brains’, so maybe they aren’t quite as shallow as we think!
If you are trying to survive in a world overrun with the walking dead, why not hide out in an impenetrable building with a virtually infinite supply of food and water? Once there you can spend every waking moment ensuring that the building is secure, never realizing that the fortress you have constructed to keep others out has now become a PRISON that keeps you in… Ahhhh, the irony.
Most people who are killed by zombies die because of a simple misunderstanding of zombie body language. Statistics show that when a zombie approaches you with its arms raised, nine out of ten times it is NOT looking for a hug.
When you’re cautiously making your way through an area infested with zombies remember to take time to let your guard down every once in a while. It’s tiring to go everywhere with your guard constantly up, so find a quiet spot, preferably somewhere dark with lots of shadowy places where zombies might be hiding and then just let your guard down completely. What was that noise? Probably nothing… whatever it was, don’t let it interfere with your guard-down time!
It might surprise you to learn that zombies are extremely insecure about the way that they smell. Perhaps this explains why suicide amongst vulnerable teenage-zombies is as common as it is ineffective.
Smashing zombies’ skulls in with a blunt object can make you feel a bit guilty after a while, but try to remember; however bad you feel about getting blood all over the carpet, at least you are getting to crush some heads!
If the worst happens and you do find yourself getting bitten by a zombie, then immediately pour acid over the affected area. It won’t stop the infection, but it will give you a cool-looking wound that will draw respect and admiration from your new zombie colleagues.
Now you’re a zombie you’ll need to learn the lingo, and fast! As a rule of thumb, “Huuurghhhh!” translates as, well, pretty much everything.
Tired of eating the same old human organs? Try pan-frying thinly sliced brain in olive oil with some red onions and lots of cracked black pepper. Serve with a soylent-green salad. This simple to prepare meal is also delicious if you are a zombie.
Never look directly into a zombie’s eyes. You might fall in love.
from
www.chipremington.com - stupid opinions for intelligent people
In preparation for this inevitable assault on our asses by these stiff pricks, here are some zombie facts and survival tips:
Zombies can’t run, so one of the easiest ways to avoid them is just to make sure you are running at all times. Wherever you go, whatever you do, don’t ever stop running, even for a second.
Anyone who staggers towards you with their eyes glazed over, their mouth open and their throat emitting an inhuman groaning sound should be shot in the head immediately. Other people might try to admonish you for this, but I say it’s better to be safe and kill 18 people who were “just yawning” than to be sorry.
In a recent survey, male zombies revealed that the quality they found most attractive in a member of the opposite sex was ‘brains’, so maybe they aren’t quite as shallow as we think!
If you are trying to survive in a world overrun with the walking dead, why not hide out in an impenetrable building with a virtually infinite supply of food and water? Once there you can spend every waking moment ensuring that the building is secure, never realizing that the fortress you have constructed to keep others out has now become a PRISON that keeps you in… Ahhhh, the irony.
Most people who are killed by zombies die because of a simple misunderstanding of zombie body language. Statistics show that when a zombie approaches you with its arms raised, nine out of ten times it is NOT looking for a hug.
When you’re cautiously making your way through an area infested with zombies remember to take time to let your guard down every once in a while. It’s tiring to go everywhere with your guard constantly up, so find a quiet spot, preferably somewhere dark with lots of shadowy places where zombies might be hiding and then just let your guard down completely. What was that noise? Probably nothing… whatever it was, don’t let it interfere with your guard-down time!
It might surprise you to learn that zombies are extremely insecure about the way that they smell. Perhaps this explains why suicide amongst vulnerable teenage-zombies is as common as it is ineffective.
Smashing zombies’ skulls in with a blunt object can make you feel a bit guilty after a while, but try to remember; however bad you feel about getting blood all over the carpet, at least you are getting to crush some heads!
If the worst happens and you do find yourself getting bitten by a zombie, then immediately pour acid over the affected area. It won’t stop the infection, but it will give you a cool-looking wound that will draw respect and admiration from your new zombie colleagues.
Now you’re a zombie you’ll need to learn the lingo, and fast! As a rule of thumb, “Huuurghhhh!” translates as, well, pretty much everything.
Tired of eating the same old human organs? Try pan-frying thinly sliced brain in olive oil with some red onions and lots of cracked black pepper. Serve with a soylent-green salad. This simple to prepare meal is also delicious if you are a zombie.
Never look directly into a zombie’s eyes. You might fall in love.
from
www.chipremington.com - stupid opinions for intelligent people