Alarm Clock
02-24-2006, 08:34 PM
I know...Jokes Section...but no one goes there so I'll just posts some jokes here..where more people visit.
__________________________________________________ ___________
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
__________________________________________________ _______
There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.
Well time went by and of course the guys still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So . . .
. . . they buried her.
_________________________________________________
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other guy asks what the rodeo position is, and how to do it?
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes this position too".....
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
________________________________________________
A depressed young woman is so desperate that she decides to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she goes down to the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulder and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nods 'yes.' After all, what does she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brings her aboard and hides her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they make passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she is discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asks.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," says the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
_________________________________________
A girl wanted to get her boyfriend a pet for his birthday. She goes to the pet store only to find all the animals are too expensive for her budget. The owner of the pet store asks how much she has to spend. She answers, "Fifty dollars."
He tells her he has the perfect pet for her boyfriend and takes her to the back room. There sits a huge bullfrog. The owner of the store tells her its hers for only $50. She asks "Why so much for just a bullfrog?"
The owner tells her, "He is a special frog... he gives blow jobs." Thinking this would be the perfect gift for the boyfriend, she buys the frog and takes him home.
The boyfriend is, at first, puzzled, by his birthday gift but the girl tells him to be patient and the idea of this monstrous amphibian sharing their home will grow on him. She is quite pleased with herself for finding such a great gift and heads off to bed early, leaving her man and his frog alone, watching television.
An hour later she is awakened by pots and pans clanking in the kitchen, so she gets up to investigate. She peeks around the corner to see her boyfriend and the frog with pots and pans scattered about the kitchen and a cookbook in front of them.
She asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
The boyfriend says,
"If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here!!!"
__________________________________________________ _
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies:
"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,
"What's the problem........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
_____________________________________________
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. They released the genie and he told them,
"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first blonde said, "I wish I were smarter". And POOF! she became a redhead.
The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." And POOF! she became a brunette.
The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." And POOF! So she became a man. .
________________________________________
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle things by himself? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks,
"How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
"How much for the black one?"
"$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
"I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks
"How much for the black dildo?"
He says, "$35."
Then she says, "How much for the white one?"
"$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
"Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks,
"How much are your dildos?"
"$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
"mmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
"Well, I'm afraid I can't sell you that one"
"I must have it" she says, "I've had black ones, I've had white ones but I've never had a plaid one before. I'll give you $135 for it"
He thinks for a moment and then agrees to sell her what she wants. She pays him, and off she goes.
Eventually, the guy's boss returns and asks,
"How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responds,
"I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" .
_______________________________________________
A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to Lookout Mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.
As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
She said "no".
He was unbuttoning her blouse and fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
Again she said "no".
As more and more of her clothing comes off he becomes really hot and excited. Once again he asks her "would you like to get in the back seat?"
And again she says "no".
Frustrated he asks "Why not?"
To which she replies
"I want to stay in the front seat with you.".
__________________________________________
A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"
"I wanna get weighed," she says.
Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for food. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
"I wanna get weighed," she says.
"Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it," thinks the boy.
Again they get her weight and fortune. After a few more games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats,
"What do you want to do now?"
"I wanna get weighed," she says.
Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
"Wousy," says the girl.
__________________________________________________ ___________
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
__________________________________________________ _______
There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.
Well time went by and of course the guys still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So . . .
. . . they buried her.
_________________________________________________
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other guy asks what the rodeo position is, and how to do it?
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes this position too".....
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
________________________________________________
A depressed young woman is so desperate that she decides to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she goes down to the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulder and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nods 'yes.' After all, what does she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brings her aboard and hides her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they make passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she is discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asks.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," says the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
_________________________________________
A girl wanted to get her boyfriend a pet for his birthday. She goes to the pet store only to find all the animals are too expensive for her budget. The owner of the pet store asks how much she has to spend. She answers, "Fifty dollars."
He tells her he has the perfect pet for her boyfriend and takes her to the back room. There sits a huge bullfrog. The owner of the store tells her its hers for only $50. She asks "Why so much for just a bullfrog?"
The owner tells her, "He is a special frog... he gives blow jobs." Thinking this would be the perfect gift for the boyfriend, she buys the frog and takes him home.
The boyfriend is, at first, puzzled, by his birthday gift but the girl tells him to be patient and the idea of this monstrous amphibian sharing their home will grow on him. She is quite pleased with herself for finding such a great gift and heads off to bed early, leaving her man and his frog alone, watching television.
An hour later she is awakened by pots and pans clanking in the kitchen, so she gets up to investigate. She peeks around the corner to see her boyfriend and the frog with pots and pans scattered about the kitchen and a cookbook in front of them.
She asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
The boyfriend says,
"If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here!!!"
__________________________________________________ _
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies:
"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,
"What's the problem........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
_____________________________________________
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. They released the genie and he told them,
"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first blonde said, "I wish I were smarter". And POOF! she became a redhead.
The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." And POOF! she became a brunette.
The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." And POOF! So she became a man. .
________________________________________
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle things by himself? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks,
"How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
"How much for the black one?"
"$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
"I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks
"How much for the black dildo?"
He says, "$35."
Then she says, "How much for the white one?"
"$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
"Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks,
"How much are your dildos?"
"$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
"mmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
"Well, I'm afraid I can't sell you that one"
"I must have it" she says, "I've had black ones, I've had white ones but I've never had a plaid one before. I'll give you $135 for it"
He thinks for a moment and then agrees to sell her what she wants. She pays him, and off she goes.
Eventually, the guy's boss returns and asks,
"How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responds,
"I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" .
_______________________________________________
A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to Lookout Mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.
As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
She said "no".
He was unbuttoning her blouse and fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
Again she said "no".
As more and more of her clothing comes off he becomes really hot and excited. Once again he asks her "would you like to get in the back seat?"
And again she says "no".
Frustrated he asks "Why not?"
To which she replies
"I want to stay in the front seat with you.".
__________________________________________
A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"
"I wanna get weighed," she says.
Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for food. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
"I wanna get weighed," she says.
"Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it," thinks the boy.
Again they get her weight and fortune. After a few more games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats,
"What do you want to do now?"
"I wanna get weighed," she says.
Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
"Wousy," says the girl.