chipremington
03-01-2006, 10:41 AM
Bodybuilder, actor and politician, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a man with many strings to his bow. Well, three. He may one day make it three and a half if he succeeds in his ambition to become President of the United States of America. From there who knows where he might go? Could Arnie be the future President of the World, or, as I’m sure he would rename it, Planet Hollywood? All Arnie needs in order to begin his rise to Emperor of the Universe is a minor change in American law. At the moment it is impossible for a cyborg to run for office.
The great thing about Arnold is the fact that he doesn’t take his position of incredible power and influence too seriously. He always manages to work the names of his movies into his speeches, which gives us something to listen out for in between all the boring ‘ban this, legalise that, execute them’ stuff that he’s talking about.
Arnie knows that if he is going to become President he’ll need to pull out all the stops with his speech! What follows is a copy of the speech that Mr Schwarzenegger could make on the day that he announces his candidacy!
"My fellow Americans!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Ha ha ha. Of course I am not an American. I do feel close to the people of America though, almost like we are TWINS! If my wife said that she didn’t like America for some reason I wouldn’t hesitate to TERMINATE-HER! If another woman said the same thing I would TERMINATE-HER TOO! If yet another woman also said it, and she had triplets, I would TERMINATE-HER THREE . Her three children, I mean. It might sound harsh, but clearly I need to make an example of her. I am prepared to kill children to defend the honour of this great country.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
I hope you don’t think I’m lying because I am a politician. I hope you know by now that I tell TRUE LIES ! I’m not saying that I won’t make mistakes. That’s why my pencil has an ERASER ! When I have made a mistake, I remember it with TOTAL RECALL , and try not to repeat it! My political adversaries might try to accuse me of things I haven’t done. They might say that I hit people with a stick and steal from them. I can assure you that I am not guilty of being a BAT-MAN, AND ROBBIN’ !
I’m a nice guy! Unlike my rivals, I’m not a political PREDATOR ! I won’t give you a RAW DEAL ! Even if I hadn’t been an actor or a politician, I would still have been a nice guy. If I chose to be a policeman who patrolled peoples’ lawns I would have been a KINDER GARDEN-COP !
As they say in Ireland, ‘I want to take COMMAND-O the country!’ Since I’m running in the Presidential election, you could call me the RUNNING MAN ! And I’ll run faster than Hitler would run if there was a JEW-NEAR ! Think of me as a giant, muscular bell - I want to JINGLE ALL THE WAY to the White House!
The other day a German asked me if I was a communist! He said “Arnie, you are a RED SON-JA ?” I’m no communist, but in that moment I saw red, and in a RED HEAT , I beat him to death. Even if that had been the last thing that I did before I was arrested, I feel that it would have been heroic. I would have been a LAST ACTION HERO ! Fortunately I was able to destroy the evidence, so there is nothing linking me to the crime. I was careful not to cause any COLLATERAL DAMAGE !
I feel sorry for voters in this country. Until now they have been stuck between a rock and a hard place, or as they say in my native Austria ‘between a CONE AND THE BARBARIAN ’! They really do say this!
I’m committed to politics! Even if I’m making movies for five days of the week, on the 6th DAY I will be available to run the country! You’re probably wondering what my stance is on tough political issues. I believe that this country is woefully unprepared for attacks from both futuristic robot supremacists AND extra-terrestrial hunters. I don’t believe in the death penalty, but I do believe in forcing offenders to compete in deadly games shows. To the death. It’s an indisputabe fact that less than 5% of dead offenders re-offend.
The most important thing for you to remember is that I’m a normal guy! At the END OF DAYS I like to put my feet up by the fire and read a newspaper!
In closing, vote for me or I will kill you all.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
CONAN THE DESTROYER."
www.chipremington.com/zorro%202%20and%20saw%202.htm
from
www.chipremington.com - like movies but worried that your opinions are moronic? They almost certainly are. Let Chip Remington help you
The great thing about Arnold is the fact that he doesn’t take his position of incredible power and influence too seriously. He always manages to work the names of his movies into his speeches, which gives us something to listen out for in between all the boring ‘ban this, legalise that, execute them’ stuff that he’s talking about.
Arnie knows that if he is going to become President he’ll need to pull out all the stops with his speech! What follows is a copy of the speech that Mr Schwarzenegger could make on the day that he announces his candidacy!
"My fellow Americans!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Ha ha ha. Of course I am not an American. I do feel close to the people of America though, almost like we are TWINS! If my wife said that she didn’t like America for some reason I wouldn’t hesitate to TERMINATE-HER! If another woman said the same thing I would TERMINATE-HER TOO! If yet another woman also said it, and she had triplets, I would TERMINATE-HER THREE . Her three children, I mean. It might sound harsh, but clearly I need to make an example of her. I am prepared to kill children to defend the honour of this great country.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
I hope you don’t think I’m lying because I am a politician. I hope you know by now that I tell TRUE LIES ! I’m not saying that I won’t make mistakes. That’s why my pencil has an ERASER ! When I have made a mistake, I remember it with TOTAL RECALL , and try not to repeat it! My political adversaries might try to accuse me of things I haven’t done. They might say that I hit people with a stick and steal from them. I can assure you that I am not guilty of being a BAT-MAN, AND ROBBIN’ !
I’m a nice guy! Unlike my rivals, I’m not a political PREDATOR ! I won’t give you a RAW DEAL ! Even if I hadn’t been an actor or a politician, I would still have been a nice guy. If I chose to be a policeman who patrolled peoples’ lawns I would have been a KINDER GARDEN-COP !
As they say in Ireland, ‘I want to take COMMAND-O the country!’ Since I’m running in the Presidential election, you could call me the RUNNING MAN ! And I’ll run faster than Hitler would run if there was a JEW-NEAR ! Think of me as a giant, muscular bell - I want to JINGLE ALL THE WAY to the White House!
The other day a German asked me if I was a communist! He said “Arnie, you are a RED SON-JA ?” I’m no communist, but in that moment I saw red, and in a RED HEAT , I beat him to death. Even if that had been the last thing that I did before I was arrested, I feel that it would have been heroic. I would have been a LAST ACTION HERO ! Fortunately I was able to destroy the evidence, so there is nothing linking me to the crime. I was careful not to cause any COLLATERAL DAMAGE !
I feel sorry for voters in this country. Until now they have been stuck between a rock and a hard place, or as they say in my native Austria ‘between a CONE AND THE BARBARIAN ’! They really do say this!
I’m committed to politics! Even if I’m making movies for five days of the week, on the 6th DAY I will be available to run the country! You’re probably wondering what my stance is on tough political issues. I believe that this country is woefully unprepared for attacks from both futuristic robot supremacists AND extra-terrestrial hunters. I don’t believe in the death penalty, but I do believe in forcing offenders to compete in deadly games shows. To the death. It’s an indisputabe fact that less than 5% of dead offenders re-offend.
The most important thing for you to remember is that I’m a normal guy! At the END OF DAYS I like to put my feet up by the fire and read a newspaper!
In closing, vote for me or I will kill you all.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
CONAN THE DESTROYER."
www.chipremington.com/zorro%202%20and%20saw%202.htm
from
www.chipremington.com - like movies but worried that your opinions are moronic? They almost certainly are. Let Chip Remington help you