chipremington
03-02-2006, 02:33 PM
Dear Mr Mel Gibson Sir,
Hello Sir, I am Chip Remington. Yes, THE Chip Remington. I’m sure that you’ll be pleased to hear that I am a big fan of yours. Well, your good stuff anyway. Unlike many people out there, I don’t just like one Mel! I like both the Mels! I like the Mel Gibson of old, who gave such wonderfully gruff performances in films like Bird On A Wire, Lethal Weapon 3, and of course Gladiator. I also like other Mel, the Mel behind the camera - the man who cracked the whip at Jesus himself. I know that both these Mels have enjoyed some modest success in the film business, but I think that the big money lies in putting these two elements of Mel together.
Now I know that before we work together you are going to want to know what my stance on Jesus is. For or against. I can honestly say that I am a big Jesus fan. I do try to live by his seven commandments, you know: thou shalt not glutton, thou shalt not wrath, and so on. I have to admit though; I’ve probably broken all seven at some point. Does this mean I will go to hell? If you could get back to me on that one ASAP I’d appreciate it, because if I’m going anyway then I have a few more sins that I’d like to rack up before I expire.
I do have some reservations about Jesus, I’ll admit that. I think he caused himself a lot of unnecessary problems with that haircut. If you will drive around in your chariot at night with that hippy-hairdo you are eventually going to get pulled over by the Romans. You start giving them the old ‘holier than thou, butter wouldn’t melt’ routine, and they’re going to start thinking that they’ve got a wiseguy on their hands. And remember there’s been that crackdown on wiseguys ever since they caught three of them smuggling all that myrrh over the border a few years back. Anyway, the Romans search your vehicle and what do they find? You’ve got an open bottle of wine in your lap (“I swear officers, it was water a second ago, I don’t know what happened!”), you’ve got a hooker in the passenger seat who’s “just a friend” who you’re “giving a lift home“… Let’s face it, it doesn’t look good. I’m not saying that crucifixion was justified… I’d have let him off with a flogging.
Now that we’ve established that we have a similar taste in deities I feel that I should explain my idea for a movie to you Mr Gibson.
Passion Of The Christ 2: Passion Harder
Mel Gibson (that’s you!) plays a Jesus who is in the twilight of his career. Tired of converting heathens and crippling lepers and all that stuff, Jesus is only two days away from his retirement and, a long vacation in the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately for Jesus, his boss (God) has decided to partner him with an unpredictable rookie disciple with a reputation for being a loose cannon who causes havoc wherever he goes. Yes trouble seems to follow wisecracking Moses (Martin Lawrence) around like a plague, and he and Jesus take an instant dislike to each other.
To add to Jesus’ woes, his final case is shaping up to be trickier than he imagined. A mysterious terrorist organization known only as N.O.A.H. is threatening to flood Jerusalem unless they receive two of EVERY kind of animal on the planet within the next 24 hours! Now Jesus and Moses must put aside their differences and work together to stop N.O.A.H. before time runs out, in this all action blockbuster spectacular!
You love it don’t you Mel? I can tell. Critics are already calling it ‘Bad Boys meets Pentecost’. Well I’m calling it that, and I’m a critic.
So you’re probably wondering what you have to do to get me to work with you on this project. Obviously I’ll want money; we’ll get to that later. Firstly though, I want something that only you can give me. You’re still in touch with Danny Glover from you’re Lethal Weapon days, right? Well I was watching Predator 2 the other day and, well, basically what I want is to hunt Danny Glover for sport. I know that the Predator couldn’t take him, but he’s a bit older now, and we could blind him before we let him out of his cage. I…
Well, the letter goes on like that for about another 20 or 30 pages, and it gets quite personal in parts, so I’ll leave it there. Hope you found it to be an interesting insight into the inner workings of Hollywood!
from
www.chipremington.com Home of Chip Remington, the most beloved and most respected movie reviewer in the world!
Hello Sir, I am Chip Remington. Yes, THE Chip Remington. I’m sure that you’ll be pleased to hear that I am a big fan of yours. Well, your good stuff anyway. Unlike many people out there, I don’t just like one Mel! I like both the Mels! I like the Mel Gibson of old, who gave such wonderfully gruff performances in films like Bird On A Wire, Lethal Weapon 3, and of course Gladiator. I also like other Mel, the Mel behind the camera - the man who cracked the whip at Jesus himself. I know that both these Mels have enjoyed some modest success in the film business, but I think that the big money lies in putting these two elements of Mel together.
Now I know that before we work together you are going to want to know what my stance on Jesus is. For or against. I can honestly say that I am a big Jesus fan. I do try to live by his seven commandments, you know: thou shalt not glutton, thou shalt not wrath, and so on. I have to admit though; I’ve probably broken all seven at some point. Does this mean I will go to hell? If you could get back to me on that one ASAP I’d appreciate it, because if I’m going anyway then I have a few more sins that I’d like to rack up before I expire.
I do have some reservations about Jesus, I’ll admit that. I think he caused himself a lot of unnecessary problems with that haircut. If you will drive around in your chariot at night with that hippy-hairdo you are eventually going to get pulled over by the Romans. You start giving them the old ‘holier than thou, butter wouldn’t melt’ routine, and they’re going to start thinking that they’ve got a wiseguy on their hands. And remember there’s been that crackdown on wiseguys ever since they caught three of them smuggling all that myrrh over the border a few years back. Anyway, the Romans search your vehicle and what do they find? You’ve got an open bottle of wine in your lap (“I swear officers, it was water a second ago, I don’t know what happened!”), you’ve got a hooker in the passenger seat who’s “just a friend” who you’re “giving a lift home“… Let’s face it, it doesn’t look good. I’m not saying that crucifixion was justified… I’d have let him off with a flogging.
Now that we’ve established that we have a similar taste in deities I feel that I should explain my idea for a movie to you Mr Gibson.
Passion Of The Christ 2: Passion Harder
Mel Gibson (that’s you!) plays a Jesus who is in the twilight of his career. Tired of converting heathens and crippling lepers and all that stuff, Jesus is only two days away from his retirement and, a long vacation in the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately for Jesus, his boss (God) has decided to partner him with an unpredictable rookie disciple with a reputation for being a loose cannon who causes havoc wherever he goes. Yes trouble seems to follow wisecracking Moses (Martin Lawrence) around like a plague, and he and Jesus take an instant dislike to each other.
To add to Jesus’ woes, his final case is shaping up to be trickier than he imagined. A mysterious terrorist organization known only as N.O.A.H. is threatening to flood Jerusalem unless they receive two of EVERY kind of animal on the planet within the next 24 hours! Now Jesus and Moses must put aside their differences and work together to stop N.O.A.H. before time runs out, in this all action blockbuster spectacular!
You love it don’t you Mel? I can tell. Critics are already calling it ‘Bad Boys meets Pentecost’. Well I’m calling it that, and I’m a critic.
So you’re probably wondering what you have to do to get me to work with you on this project. Obviously I’ll want money; we’ll get to that later. Firstly though, I want something that only you can give me. You’re still in touch with Danny Glover from you’re Lethal Weapon days, right? Well I was watching Predator 2 the other day and, well, basically what I want is to hunt Danny Glover for sport. I know that the Predator couldn’t take him, but he’s a bit older now, and we could blind him before we let him out of his cage. I…
Well, the letter goes on like that for about another 20 or 30 pages, and it gets quite personal in parts, so I’ll leave it there. Hope you found it to be an interesting insight into the inner workings of Hollywood!
from
www.chipremington.com Home of Chip Remington, the most beloved and most respected movie reviewer in the world!