Rate my script...please!!!

[midnitebadger]

hey guys, its me! For those of you that dont know, im a sort of an ameture screenplay writer. I'm starting a new script and i wanna get some positive or negative feedback as to how it is. I'm only gonna post a page of it to keep it from being taken. leave ur opinion please i need some feed back that isnt biased....plz!

The Mendoza Chronicles
By: Shane Castro
Act I scene 1
Outside the movie theater CINEMARK, night time. The side stairway of the theater is dimly lit by one wall light. AARON is standing by a beige wall that leads into the compactor area. His arms are crossed and he is staring at the doorway.

AUDITOR walks out through the side door and heads to the compactor.
Auditor: I was told to come here to talk to the boss?
Aaron: <harsh Mexican accent> Wha’ choo want esse?!
Auditor: <cowers back, slightly louder> They sent me here to see the boss!
Aaron: <pulls gun on Auditor, screams> WHA’ CHOO WANT ESSE?!
Auditor: <falls to ground and cowers into wall, screams> I WANNA SEE THE BOSS!

<They both scream back and forth, AUDITOR starts crying in fear, then AARON grabs him then pushes him toward the compactor door and goes back to his original position as if nothing happened.>

Auditor: <composes himself and knocks on the compactor door> Hello! It’s the Auditor! I was told to find you out here but I think there must be some mistake I…

<Compactor door whooshes open to reveal MENDOZA sitting in an office chair, hands on his laps.>

....thats all you get....first page....first like...30 seconds to minute. tell me what you think and if you want to see more of it as it progresses then u can reach me at mindbias@yahoo.com

[Akvod]

Well first off give us a brief summary of the plot so we can have a little more idea... as for now I think it's kinda corny.

Things to think about a scene:

What's the feeling you want in the setting? Fear? Tension? Is this scene going to be important to building up to the plot? Does the dialogue reveal anything? Always go: Why? Why is so and so, doing this? For each character kinda explain why they're doing this to your self.

[midnitebadger]

hey thanks. i was gonna put in the background info but didnt for some reason...dont ask why. but in there it states that the beginning is meant to be corny-ish. but thx for the criticism....i appreciate it greatly

[Akvod]

You have to remember what's important in the scene. A few seconds or worse a minute of that is simply useless. The important thing should be whatever the guy is meeting the "Boss" for. Or introducing the MC (If that Aaron guy or whatever is) or other characters. You want to hook the audience in those first few moments.

Why would that mexican guy be yelling in that guy's face? Is that even important to show it? Remember, you want to get through the movie without dragging it on with useless things. IMHO I think that little sequence with the mexican guy pulls away too much attention from the more important aspect of the plot, the character development and the plot.

[humand]

It might be good, but I can't tell yet. A basic plot/character summary with a few more scenes would help.

[Bloody_knife]

Ok, I write scripts, and that is NOT the way tou write them unless you're writing a rough copy.

[silverspade14]

I Give It 3 Dead Babies Out Of 10

[hipocritical]

I Give It 3 Dead Babies Out Of 10

I'm still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing :p

[HereLiesMatthew]

If you think thats 30 seconds to a minute, you are poorly mistaken.

There is NO Way to rate a play just seeing one page. You absolutely have to have the whole thing. Yes, we could mark you on your (somewhat poor) writing style, but with such a small portion, there is no room for character development, plot progression/twist, etc.

One thing I can tell from the first 12 seconds.. NOBODY is going to want to steal it, so just post the whole thing up.

[logie]

Who is you audience? What do you wish for us to see? Most likely it is not the same as we see what you want us to see.

[boxer126]

I have no idea how to write a script. I commend you on your efforts, but.....WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? A guy is by a compactor door with his arms crossed, starts screaming at the Auditor, then the door opens and the Boss is there?

Why is the Boss in a compactor or compactor area? Why is the guard a crazy Mexican? Why'd he pull a gun on the Auditor when the Auditor was told to meet the Boss there? Wouldn't the guard know about a meeting with the boss?

Maybe I have no imagination, but I can't see the scene playing realistically nor logically in my head. Unless it's a prelude (<----Is that the right word?) of things to come.

Just my 2 cents. Maybe I need to see it on film.

-boxer126

[Just Spurplin]

I just started writing a script. Its kinda like a Cameron Crowe teen movie, Say Anything and Almost Famous style. Say Anything like because its about a high school kid graduating, trying to figure out how to end it all with his friends. Almost Famous like because it is based heavily off my own expierence. Almost entirely off my expierence. Like right now, I cant add anything else to my script, because I have to wait for it to happen to me. I got Prom tonight, so I plan on adding all that tomorrow. Then graduation on Saturday, so Ill have to wait for that to get my conclusion. It feels kinda cheap the way I'm writing it, but I have always thought the most interesting person I know is myself, so its only right that I make a movie about me.

But I wont post any of it, cause I know better then to let someone read my work before it is finished. That just leads to all kinds of problems.

And midnite, are you using a scriptwriting program. If not, use limewire and download Movie Magic Screenwriter (or buy it for $200). It helps a hella lot when writing a script, makes things go much faster and smoother. And, if your taking your script seriously, no movie studios will even look at a script if it isnt formatted the correct way. Just make sure you have a great virus blocker, cause the first 4 or 5 ones i tried to download were viruses. Luckily my computer told me and canceled the downloads like 5% in.