Ebaums Stats

[TheMadStatter]

Did you know that over 9% of all CU boulder students report having a multi gender sexual relationship before graduation. And of that 9%, over 1/4 have been convicted of committing a violent act within fourteen days of the sexual encounter. Shocking!

The Bureau of Commonplace Traffic and Commerce (BCTC 2001)

[curtisc]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[XredX]

what the hell are you talking about?

[the_fly]

okok but what happens if students have rock hard circumsize penis that can cut trees?

[tourettes]

what the hell is wrong with you people?

[Sageth]

Did you know that over 9% of all CU boulder students report having a multi gender sexual relationship before graduation. And of that 9%, over 1/4 have been convicted of committing a violent act within fourteen days of the sexual encounter. Shocking!

The Bureau of Commonplace Traffic and Commerce (BCTC 2001)

I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice...

More than 90 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
Bread is made from a substance called "dough". It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding-person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, I propose the following restrictions:
No sale of bread to minors
A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

[Madness]

i don't get the point of all this bread talk. What the fuck does it have to do with ebaum's stats?

[marshalldylan10]

i don't get the point of all this bread talk. What the fuck does it have to do with ebaum's stats?

Everything....



No wait, nothing, wtf is going on here?

[TheMadStatter]

Hey Sageth, those are some amazing statistics! You must be great at researching and statisticalizing. Those astounding bread stats were incredible and i hope that one day we may statisticalize together again!

TheMadStatter

P.S. Shocking stats!

[tourettes]

well...i guess the bread speech was technically made up of statistics, but have you ever heard of A JOKE? the joke in this case is that almost everyone consumes bread almost every day. the one about the 18th century was true not because of bread, but because of poor health standards. i didn't think the joke was that intellectual...

[Masturbanus]

I think I agree.

[Sageth]

Well, it really has nothing to do with anything. The same way that CU stats have nothing to do with The Bureau of Commonplace Traffic and Commerce, which is related to Ebaum's Stats? :confused:

Also, I agree that there wasn't really anything intellectual in my post, and if you think there was, then perhaps you should get out more. :D

Finally, remember that 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot. ;)

[BigMattTheHobo]

In 1999 Ebaum had 304 yards rushing vs Nebraska.

[Sageth]

Ohhhhh, I understand now. And Nebraska is the Cornhusker state, but you don't want to hear my corn statistics... they're much more appalling!!