Chuck Norris Jokes

[schfifty_5]

This is the lastest craze around the internet. Post em here!


In 1990 Chuck roundhouse kicked Saddam out of Kuwait.

Chuck Doesn't check his closet for the boogeyman, the boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer... too bad he never cries.

Chuck decided to sell his urine in cans a few years ago. Today we know this substance as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine so he could go back in time and stop the JFK assassanation. He got there and deflected all three bullets shot by Oswald with his beard. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris and Wolverine were fighting (of course Chuck one) he lost a testicle. Its scientific name is now Jupiter.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you are moments from a painful death.

Chuck Norris drinks 200,000 barrels of oil daily. No wonder prices are so high.

Anyway most of those are from other places. I only made up two. These jokes are hilarious after awhile.

[gUy]

Chuck Norris's seman can cure cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.

[schfifty_5]

Good one lol

[psychotic n00b]

chuck norris uses live rattle snakes as condoms.

[MooCowzRock]

Silly rabbit...Trix are for Chuck Norris!

[SevenTwoOffSuit]

Whos the only person in the world that can beat up chuck norris?

[Squeezymo]

Whos the only person in the world that can beat up chuck norris?

Chuck norris Jr.
Clint Eastwood

[Unhinged]

When Chuck Norris and Wolverine were fighting (of course Chuck one) he lost a testicle. Its scientific name is now Jupiter.

Oh my god, if there's a Chuck one, does that mean that there's a Chuck two? Oh God, have mercy upon our souls.

[Squeezymo]

fuck chuck norris these are not the latest craze, they are getting extremely old

[h2o polo player]

chuck norris played a game of russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.

chuck norris destroyed the periodic table because the the only element he believes in is the element of suprise.

if you try once and you don't succeed, ur not chuck norris

edit: forgot this one
chuck norris doesnt breath, he holds air hostage

[navid]

chuck norris doesnt sleep, he waits.

[Jk1725]

Chuck norris is old............no really still cool still a badass at heart but he's old.......

[BigMac]

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet. The pool gets Chuck Norris.

[iranintoavan]

Chuck Norris doesn't read, he just stares the book down until he gets the information he needs.

[HereLiesMatthew]

chuck norris doesn't live life, life lives chuck norris.


see, thats gay. and i just made that up. thus, winrar.

[dudeinanigloo]

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.

Nobody survived.

[Bigheaded Chief]

hitler didnt cause the holicaust the holicaust happened when someone asked chuck norris what he would do for a klondice bar

[SatanTheSith]

hitler didnt cause the holicaust the holicaust happened when someone asked chuck norris what he would do for a klondice bar

ha ha ha ha ha (insert smilie expressing the funniness of that joke)

no seriously that was the fucking best

[ralphy]

lol i saw these on a site..thought they were funny..enjoy!:ahhh:

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

-Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

-For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

[Owned]

My four favorite

- When Chuck Norris does a push-up he doesn't put himself up, he pushes the Earth down.

- They don't put fences in the zoo to keep the animals away from Chuck Norris, but to get Chuck Norris away from the animals.

- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

[pinkyclown]

It take Chuck Norris 5 minite's to whotch 20 minite's of T.V.

[Owned]

It take Chuck Norris 5 minite's to whotch 20 minite's of T.V.

You need an English lesson, bro.

[Liberator13]

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

[drift]

Chuck Norris is so gay he fucks old men.

[dudeinanigloo]

Chuck Norris once made a dumb thread on eBaumsworld. The mods were too afraid of possible roundhouse kicks, so they didn't ban him.

[SevenTwoOffSuit]

Chuck Norris isnt 3 sheets to the wind, the wind is 3 sheets to chuck norris.

[evil joe]

My friend: Chuck Norris couldn't last five minutes in Vietnam.

Me: That's because he would kill all the whoever they were in four.

[Eminem]

My friend: Chuck Norris couldn't last five minutes in Vietnam.

Me: That's because he would kill all the Japs in four.

Why would he be killing Japs in Vietnam?

[Owned]

Why would he be killing Japs in Vietnam?

That's what I was thinking, lmfao.

[Ark13]

Chunk Norris has a go-kart that runs on the hopes and dreams of little orphan kids. It goes really fast.

[The_Canadian]

My favorites

-When Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesnt push himself up, he pushes the earth down

-Chuck Norris once won a game of russian roulette with a fully loaded gun

-Chuck Norris doesnt have a chin under is beard, just another fist

-Chuck Norris has 2 speeds, walk and kill

-Chuck Norris constantly donates blood to the hospital, just never his own

[evil joe]

Why would he be killing Japs in Vietnam?
What are you talking about? I didn't say Japs. OMG! HAX!!11

[psychotic n00b]

i have a shirt, and it says chuck norris is making me wear this shirt

[ralphy]

My friend: Chuck Norris couldn't last five minutes in Vietnam.

Me: That's because he would kill all the Chinese in four.

lmao thats 1 of the funniest things i ever heard....nice reply to wat ur friend said :raiseeyeb

[evil joe]

We were watching a Veitnam movie and we got into an argument about Chuck Norris. He said that and that's the first thing that came to mind.

[proton]

When Chuck Norris punches Ctrl + Alt + Del, every computer within a 200 mile radius reboots.

[Gnagflow]

When Chuck Norris is on T.V. I change the channel:D

[spine shavings]

If god can walk on water, chuck norris can walk on god.

On the 7th day, god said let there be light.. chuck norris said "say please"

[Blue Lightening]

My friend: Chuck Norris couldn't last five minutes in Vietnam.

Me: That's because he would kill all the Chinese in four.

why would he be killing Chinese either? do you know anything about Vietnam?

The enemy were GOOKS...not chinese/japs

[evil joe]

What are you talking about? I didn't say Chinese.

And the reason I don't know about who they were fighting is because when I was in Vietnam I was shot in the brain and I lost my long term memory. And my short term memory only lasts 42 seconds. So I literally can't remember anything. In fact, I don't even remember being in Vietnam. So I can't be sure that I really was in it. Maybe it was the War of 1812. One of those.

[poopchow]

I dont get it, these arent Chuck Norris jokes, these are just facts.

[spine shavings]

Lol, funny.. kinda like where you live

[midevilwarrior]

chuck's favorite fruit is granite

[navid]

chuck norris doesnt sleep, he waits

[Owned]

Jokes/Facts, they're still funny.

[400exXx]

Chuck Norris is going to Sodomise you.