chipremington
07-08-2006, 07:54 AM
Ask any boy under the age of ten what he’d like to be when he grows up, and the answer will invariably be the same - an astronaut. But if you narrow it down and say that it has to be a job from the past, then he is sure to reply - cowboy. Then if you tell him that it can’t be a cowboy, it’s got to be something else from the past, he’ll say a dinosaur. At this point you’ll be pretty frustrated because the boy is ruining the introduction to your feature about pirates, but persevere. Slap him across the face to get his attention and then calmly explain that a dinosaur isn’t a job. At least not one with any real prospects of promotion. Tell him he has to pick a job from the past that isn’t a cowboy AND isn’t reptilian. You have to be a mammal. A HUMAN mammal, so that he can’t come out with some crap about some Goddamn pokemon. When he stops crying, he’ll almost certainly say that he’d like to be… A pirate!
Yes, the noble life of the bloodthirsty pirate is envied by most men at one time or another, and even some women (lesbians). But who were these pirates that we love so much? Pirates can be roughly divided into three basic categories, first we have:
1: BEARDY PIRATES!
Blackbeard was a notorious and fearsome pirate! If he ever boarded your ship then you knew that you were surely doomed, though in practice it was often difficult to tell if the pirate who was marauding you was the genuine Blackbeard, as black beards are surprisingly common. Especially on people who have black hair. NOTE: it is now considered more politically correct to call Blackbeard African-Americanbeard.
Bluebeard, the famously depressed pirate. Bluebeard would often retreat below decks for weeks at a time, emerging only when he had composed a rhythmic but sorrowful folk song about his many woes.
The Gingerbeard Man! The fiery Irish pirate with the carrot-coloured beard! Exiled from polite society thanks to his freakish ginger hair (and rightly so), Gingerbeard Man’s pale freckled face caused all who looked upon it to recoil in horror! And people were even more scared once he became a pirate!
Whitebeard. Never seen outside of his bright red costume or without a large sack over one shoulder, the dread pirate Whitebeard is well known to children everywhere. With his crew of elves he would plunder toys from naughty children, and then fire them out of a cannon at good children. Any child who survived the impact was left eagerly awaiting Whitebeard’s next visit, and so it became an annual tradition. A tradition that survives to this very day, with the yearly coming of the Easter Bunny.
Pink-moustache. Famously the gayest pirate in recorded history! Joyful, upbeat, his heart always full of cheer and his lips always whistling a merry tune, truly Pink-moustache was gay indeed! All who met him remarked on his boundless exuberance for life! He was also a homosexual.
2: PIRATES WITH MISSING BODY PARTS
Perhaps the most famous of the hook-handed pirates, Peter Pan’s Captain Hook ruled his crew with an iron fist. Well, almost a fist. Hook managed to get a movie named after him, but it was really just another Peter Pan movie, this time starring Robin Williams as Pan. Surely the role he was born to play! Then he got to old to play! Then he played it anyway in Hook! And then he’s been playing it in every film he’s made ever since!
Representing the peg-legged pirates we have the infamous Captain Square-Peg, the pirate with the square peg-leg! Trapped below decks on his own sinking ship, Square-Peg met a tragic end when he was unable to fit through a round hole when trying to make his escape.
Who better to provide an example of the eye-patched pirates than the bloodthirsty pirate-poet Two-Patch Shakur! 2-patch was so tough that he intentionally plucked out both of his own eyes so that he could throw them at his greatest nemesis. Alas, once he’d removed the eyes, he realised too late that he wouldn’t be able to see the man he was trying to throw his eyes at. 2-Patch continued to have a long and bitter feud with his pirate nemesis, the Notorious BIG, which eventually ended in tragedy for both o’ them. We’ll be missin’ ye!
MISCELLANEOUS PIRATES!
Pirates aren’t all bad! Take the beloved pirate Captain Admiral Lord Nelson! Nelson became a true British folk hero when he and his band of merry seamen took it upon themselves to plunder loot from the rich and de-plunder it to the poor! A monument to Nelson still stands in Great Britain’s London-town to this very day! Why not visit it next time you’re in the world famous Leicester Square?
Finally we come to the most dastardly pirate of all… the modern day pirate! The modern day pirate hunts not at sea, but inside the multiplex cinema! His weapon of choice not the cannon, but the cannon digital camcorder! His eye patch is a lens cap! His grog not…er… grog, but diet pepsi! His irritating squawking parrot replacd by an irritating squawking mobile phone! The treasure that he seeks not gold, but the GOLDen opportunity to illegally videotape the latest hit movie!
www.chipremington.com - "The best movie review site ever - *****" - Chip Remington
Yes, the noble life of the bloodthirsty pirate is envied by most men at one time or another, and even some women (lesbians). But who were these pirates that we love so much? Pirates can be roughly divided into three basic categories, first we have:
1: BEARDY PIRATES!
Blackbeard was a notorious and fearsome pirate! If he ever boarded your ship then you knew that you were surely doomed, though in practice it was often difficult to tell if the pirate who was marauding you was the genuine Blackbeard, as black beards are surprisingly common. Especially on people who have black hair. NOTE: it is now considered more politically correct to call Blackbeard African-Americanbeard.
Bluebeard, the famously depressed pirate. Bluebeard would often retreat below decks for weeks at a time, emerging only when he had composed a rhythmic but sorrowful folk song about his many woes.
The Gingerbeard Man! The fiery Irish pirate with the carrot-coloured beard! Exiled from polite society thanks to his freakish ginger hair (and rightly so), Gingerbeard Man’s pale freckled face caused all who looked upon it to recoil in horror! And people were even more scared once he became a pirate!
Whitebeard. Never seen outside of his bright red costume or without a large sack over one shoulder, the dread pirate Whitebeard is well known to children everywhere. With his crew of elves he would plunder toys from naughty children, and then fire them out of a cannon at good children. Any child who survived the impact was left eagerly awaiting Whitebeard’s next visit, and so it became an annual tradition. A tradition that survives to this very day, with the yearly coming of the Easter Bunny.
Pink-moustache. Famously the gayest pirate in recorded history! Joyful, upbeat, his heart always full of cheer and his lips always whistling a merry tune, truly Pink-moustache was gay indeed! All who met him remarked on his boundless exuberance for life! He was also a homosexual.
2: PIRATES WITH MISSING BODY PARTS
Perhaps the most famous of the hook-handed pirates, Peter Pan’s Captain Hook ruled his crew with an iron fist. Well, almost a fist. Hook managed to get a movie named after him, but it was really just another Peter Pan movie, this time starring Robin Williams as Pan. Surely the role he was born to play! Then he got to old to play! Then he played it anyway in Hook! And then he’s been playing it in every film he’s made ever since!
Representing the peg-legged pirates we have the infamous Captain Square-Peg, the pirate with the square peg-leg! Trapped below decks on his own sinking ship, Square-Peg met a tragic end when he was unable to fit through a round hole when trying to make his escape.
Who better to provide an example of the eye-patched pirates than the bloodthirsty pirate-poet Two-Patch Shakur! 2-patch was so tough that he intentionally plucked out both of his own eyes so that he could throw them at his greatest nemesis. Alas, once he’d removed the eyes, he realised too late that he wouldn’t be able to see the man he was trying to throw his eyes at. 2-Patch continued to have a long and bitter feud with his pirate nemesis, the Notorious BIG, which eventually ended in tragedy for both o’ them. We’ll be missin’ ye!
MISCELLANEOUS PIRATES!
Pirates aren’t all bad! Take the beloved pirate Captain Admiral Lord Nelson! Nelson became a true British folk hero when he and his band of merry seamen took it upon themselves to plunder loot from the rich and de-plunder it to the poor! A monument to Nelson still stands in Great Britain’s London-town to this very day! Why not visit it next time you’re in the world famous Leicester Square?
Finally we come to the most dastardly pirate of all… the modern day pirate! The modern day pirate hunts not at sea, but inside the multiplex cinema! His weapon of choice not the cannon, but the cannon digital camcorder! His eye patch is a lens cap! His grog not…er… grog, but diet pepsi! His irritating squawking parrot replacd by an irritating squawking mobile phone! The treasure that he seeks not gold, but the GOLDen opportunity to illegally videotape the latest hit movie!
www.chipremington.com - "The best movie review site ever - *****" - Chip Remington