Anti Joke Thread

[Ben Richards]

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
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A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
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What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
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Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.
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Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

[Ben Richards]

What do you get when you have unprotected sex with a street hooker?

AIDS



Did you hear about the guy who drove real fast without a seat belt?

He hit a garbage truck and splattered his head on the windsheild



What do you call a guy who has sex with kids?

A child molester



What do you call it when someone wipes out an entire race of people?

Genocide


A man walks into a bar

Now he needs stitches on his forehead because he was walking pretty fast

[Ben Richards]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me"

why cant stevie wonder and ray charles read?
because they are blind

why do jews have big noses?
because it is genetic

whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
a jew is a person of religious faith whereas a pizza is a semi high protein food with lots of fat

Why was the little girl screaming?
Because she was getting raped by a paedophile.

What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips?
A chocolate chip muffin.

What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for xmas?
Cancer.

Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!
Thats the least of your problems. You've got AIDS.

What did batman say to robin to get him in the batmobile?
"Get in the batmobile"

Knock Knock
Come in.

Q. Whats worse than being a Jew in 2006?

A. Being a Jew in 1942.

Yo mama is so fat she has to wear large clothes.

What do you call, when a baby has forks in it's eyes?
911.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.

What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?
George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.

How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.

[Ben Richards]

Why did the black man die?
Because he was the victim of a race-hate gang related attack.

What do you get when you cross a chinese man with a white woman?
Yellow babies.

Why was Mary upset?
She was involed in a severe car accident which resulted in the loss of both her legs and 3 fingers from her right hand. Her mum was also killed.

Why does Brian Peppers molest children?


Because he can.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the 2nd chicken cross the road?
Same reason as the first one did.

Why did the 3rd chicken cross the road?
It was following the other two.

What did the mother give her child for his christmas?
A flower on his tombstone because his cancer was in partial remission, but later came back and slowly killed him.

Why did the girlscout start crying after she spilled all her cookies?
Because her father beats her mother and calls her a whore every night in a drunken rage.

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.


Why did a doctor prescribe a low carb diet to reduce a patient's risk of heart disease?

Because he didn't look at the Mayo Clinic's results stating that trans fats or large amounts of saturated fat are what mainly cause heart disease/heart attacks due to clogged arteries.

3 guys go to hip hop club and notice they cant dance or keep with the rythm much. What race were these outsiders?

The race is really insignificant. The fact that they went to a hip hop club without being able to move with rythm was really the sad part. Not to mention the fact that they were jumped and robbed afterwards.

[Osama Bin Laden]

What do you get when you cross a black man and his drugs?



Killed

[MiKe]

What do you get when you have unprotected sex with a street hooker?

AIDS


This one actually made me lol. Good thread.

[Allergic]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

That's pretty much the highlight of the story.

[jnettl2]

A white man, a mexican, and a black find a genie lamp and rub it. The mexican wishes for all mexicans to go back to mexico. The black wishes for all blacks to be brought back to Africa. The white man, lonesome for his friends, wishes for yearly round-trip airline tickets for every black and mexican so that they may visit America again if they so wish.

[Rapex]

Why does Brian Peppers molest children?


Because he can.


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!Im putting that in my sig
Where did you find these?

[swchblade34]

i have never laughed so hard at a thread. maybe its because its midnight and i just had a mountain dew but almost every one of those made me have to walk away cuz i was laughing so hard

[jijiji]

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.

Made my day

[hypnotic_frog]

Weird jokes! Who wrote it?

[ItchyItchyFace]

Do you know the joke about the two guys that wanted to go to Paris?

They didn't go.

[TrueDrew]

All these anti-jokes were more funny than a majority of jokes i have ever read.

[FonsecaWalls]

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.

:lmao:

Now that's funny

[Ben Richards]

Bumpty bump.

[peter_hmfc]

Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but metal?

He died last week.
-
Did you hear about the man who murdered his family an dissected his friends?

Yes.


Ok, awful I know but I'm new to this site so give it time.

[waht]

not sure if its new...

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

[ryan41]

lol at this thread

[Cerebral]

How long does it take for a Mexican to take a shit?

9 minutes

[dck42069dck]

Did you hear about the polish guy that was late on the first day for his new job?
He had forgotten to set his alarm the previous night, therefore had woken up 3 hours late in the morning, which resulted in him being fired from his new job, and needing to find another one quickly in order to buy food for his wife and kids.

What do you do when a black guy robs your house?
Contact the police, describe to the best of your knowledge the events that took place, and then let them do their job.

What did one fisherman say to another fisherman?
He told him that the weather did not look very good, and recommended that they both wait until the next day to fish.

What did the little boy with cancer say right before he died?
Nothing. He was very sick, and could not speak during the last few weeks of his life.

What's worse than finding out you are going to die from an uncurable disease?
Discovering that it is contagious and anyone you have come in contact with, including family, friends, coworkers, etc. have probably got it too, and will also most likely die from it.

These anti-jokes are great. Easy to think up too.

[emericanlegend]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To make the basis for a golden joke that would grace the schoolyards of America for decades to come

[Squeezymo]

what do you call a diamond submersed in water?

wet

[Baldman]

How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One holds groceries, the other molests children.


What happened to the elderly old man who liked to play tricks on children?
He was stoned to death


I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in three days.

So I stabbed him.


Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face


Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
- "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies,
- "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.

What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
Is this some kind of joke?

[....]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Wheres my tractor??!??

[KingKen69]

A guy gets shot..
..He dies one week later.

A man and a woman are kissing what heppens next?
They finish.

A man fell off a boat what happened next?
He fell into the water.

There were 3 girls a blonde a brunette and a red head. The red head says hi, the brunette says hi and what does the blonde say?
Hi, hair colour doesn't matter and unless she said yo it isn't really funny...

What is big and red and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater.

A man had cancer....
He died the next day.

My pet died the other day do you know what i did?
Buried it.

[Mattjam]

What happens when you pour a tablespoon of salt in to a cup of water?

You get saltwater.


What did the lonely man say when he found a lost orphan girl?

I'm gonna fuck you.

[KingKen69]

What did the man get when he saw up a woman's skirt just to realise she wasn't wearing any panties?

An erection.

[Lividum]

This is gold that I should have prospected earlier. I love these.

[ColonelMcTurtle]

These are the greatest jokes evar. :boink:

[Plaguis95]

Why was britney spears wearing glasses?

Her eyesight has become quite unsatisfactory and those glasses help her read things from longer distances, but she died from aids anyway.

[dcam0326]

What happens when you pour a tablespoon of salt in to a cup of water?

You get saltwater.


What did the lonely man say when he found a lost orphan girl?

I'm gonna fuck you.

lol awesome + sigged



why did the chicken cross the road?




He was fleeing in terror away from the factory in which his family was brutally slaughtered.

[Durt]

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

A pilot.





BEST THREAD EVER

[Gunned Down]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me"

why cant stevie wonder and ray charles read?
because they are blind

*win*

[Spank666]

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

I havent giggled like that since I was a little schoolgirl. I might have to use that one.