Andrei_Pro
07-06-2007, 05:20 PM
Diary of an American boy
...was found in the ruins of Washington in 2813. (by Russian archaeologists)
April 3d
My name is Michael Down. I live in the USA. It is the country around which the Earth and Sun rotate. Not long ago I wrote a paper on this topic, and the teacher gave me the highest grade.
Today I woke up early, and weighed myself. Hurray!! I lost another 20 pounds of fat!! Now my weight is only 310 pounds. A month ago I weighted 350 pounds!! My father said that if I don't lose weight, girls won't associate with me. Well, to tell you the truth I prefer boys, because dating girls - it's so old-fashioned.
I had breakfast, which was healthy - corn flakes with fat-free milk and two pieces of fried toast with jam. As a light dessert I ate 4 double burgers.
It was fun at breakfast! My father and I challenged each other to a farting contest. I won. My father owes me 5 dollars. If he doesn't pay me this evening, I'll sue him !!
My school is located far from my house – about 1500 feet. Fortunately, I have a car, so I got to school in an hour, today's traffic jams didn't take a lot of time.
Classes were boring. For example, in history the teacher told us bullshit about America being discovered by Columbus. Where do they get such stupid teachers? In fact basic logic tells us that America was discovered by us, Americans. So that's why it called America. Geography was more interesting. It's fantastic how many interesting thing occur in the world! For example, the teacher said that there is the country of Africa. In its capital - Egypt - there are triangular skyscrapers in which evil Russian mummies live. And why won't these Russians leave us in peace?
In the evening I went to Leslie's party. There were about 40 people there. My friend Jim took 2 bottles of his father's beer. We were so drunk that we barfed all over the pool.
April 7th
I had today off. I wanted to sleep in, but my father made me to play baseball on the front lawn. It was boring, but then I got into it. In fact, it was soo fascinating, three hours of throwing a ball three feet back and forth. It's a remarkable kind of sport and very intellectual!
After dinner my father made me watch President Bush on TV. We had a good time: we ate popcorn and listened to the President. He spoke about how it is important to bomb all countries because otherwise none of these primitive people will understand the happiness that we have in our country. I don't understand why these fools get angry when we bomb them. In fact, without it they would never know the taste of coca-cola or a hamburger, and, consequently, will never enjoy democracy. Dear God, Save America! It is the only country that can make people happy. And if those people don't want to be happy - we can always make them !!
At dinner, my father and I had another loud far contest. Our dog won. He made such loud noises; the neighbors were scared and started to cry "the Russians are bombing us!! "
They hid in the basement and we tried to convince them to come out until midnight. I told them that the store has an automatic ass cleaner on sale, so they jumped at the chance, and came out.
Now I decided, I shall become a geographer. I want to study like those awesome scientists, geometry. Today our teacher taught a remarkable class!
He told us about the far off country that is called "Russia". Well, I knew a lot about this wild state before. For example, it's well-known, that Russians are a hybrid of a bear with a man that drinks vodka and eats birch bark. They live in caves, in the forest, wear fur hats with ear flaps, and play funny triangle guitars. On holidays, they set fire to the Kremlin, and dance in circles.
After the teacher's stories I think I know more about Russia and its inhabitants. Do you know that in this country there are American reserves of oil and gas? When we need them, we will go and get them. Besides, in Russia there are deposits of black caviar and red caviar, and also a deposit of vodka and pancakes. Russians mercilessly spend these riches: eat and drink, depriving the future generations of Americans. It's truly an evil empire!!
After school I visited my psychotherapist. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice and teaches me how to live. Today he taught me to wipe my ass after using the toilet. I always wondered why the bathroom spelled so badly. I should tell my family, they don't know yet. In the evening I played Tetris. That's the coolest game!! At the third level I lost. Then, I surfed on porno-sites like www.pentagon.com and www.whitehouse.org. Satisfied with myself I went to sleep.
April 24th
Today in math, we studied counting to ten. That was hard! Now it’s clear, why we only study in senior classes. I got an A. So the teacher complimented me. And I complimented him too. After that we had gym. While my friends peeked at the girls in the shower, I kept watch for the gym teacher. It kept me busy, and I didn't notice everyone peeking at me. During a long break Bob brought his father's pistol and started to shoot at girls. That was fun! The girls squealed, tried to escape, but Bob came up to them and finished them off with a shot to the head. Then the police arrived, and for some reason, took Bob away. We had a good time, and were then allowed to go home.
May 8th
Today we had an unusual history class. The teacher told us that 868 years ago, American armies invaded Berlin and won the war against Germany. In 1945, a bloody dictator named Hussein, has attacked London and bombed its capital Warsaw. Germans on tanks and bicycles have invaded Paris, Brussels, Kiev and Birobidzhan. After capturing Birobidzhan, the patience of the United States came to an end, and they entered the war. First Germans bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then in Disneyland. Germans began to recede. Then the American armies surrounded Germany and pin-point bombing has destroyed all of Berlin. Having set up the Star-Spangled Banner above Tour d'Eiffel. Saddam Hussein was captured in a Berlin suburb where he was hiding in the cellar of a supermarket. The bloody dictator was tried and sentenced to Saint Elena's island. And all nations of the world have unanimously applauded the brave American soldiers, throwing flowers at them, as well as giving them fruit and vegetables. The bloody dictators that survived have realized that no one escapes democracy !!
May 11th
After school today, we went to an art gallery. We found naked ladies, but I have seen better on the internet. Jim spat his gum on a painting, and Leslie broke a finger a sculpture. After our bus left, there was a panic in the gallery. An old woman ran and shouted: "It costs one and a half million dollars!". Jim, Leslie, and I winked at each other, in fact it was our modest contribution to world culture. We have acted as Americans would act in these circumstances. In the evening, my father and I watched hockey. The first period has begun with me getting hit in the head with the puck. I regained consciousness in hospital. The doctors examined my head, but said that there was nothing there.
- - -
...was found in the ruins of Washington in 2813. (by Russian archaeologists)
April 3d
My name is Michael Down. I live in the USA. It is the country around which the Earth and Sun rotate. Not long ago I wrote a paper on this topic, and the teacher gave me the highest grade.
Today I woke up early, and weighed myself. Hurray!! I lost another 20 pounds of fat!! Now my weight is only 310 pounds. A month ago I weighted 350 pounds!! My father said that if I don't lose weight, girls won't associate with me. Well, to tell you the truth I prefer boys, because dating girls - it's so old-fashioned.
I had breakfast, which was healthy - corn flakes with fat-free milk and two pieces of fried toast with jam. As a light dessert I ate 4 double burgers.
It was fun at breakfast! My father and I challenged each other to a farting contest. I won. My father owes me 5 dollars. If he doesn't pay me this evening, I'll sue him !!
My school is located far from my house – about 1500 feet. Fortunately, I have a car, so I got to school in an hour, today's traffic jams didn't take a lot of time.
Classes were boring. For example, in history the teacher told us bullshit about America being discovered by Columbus. Where do they get such stupid teachers? In fact basic logic tells us that America was discovered by us, Americans. So that's why it called America. Geography was more interesting. It's fantastic how many interesting thing occur in the world! For example, the teacher said that there is the country of Africa. In its capital - Egypt - there are triangular skyscrapers in which evil Russian mummies live. And why won't these Russians leave us in peace?
In the evening I went to Leslie's party. There were about 40 people there. My friend Jim took 2 bottles of his father's beer. We were so drunk that we barfed all over the pool.
April 7th
I had today off. I wanted to sleep in, but my father made me to play baseball on the front lawn. It was boring, but then I got into it. In fact, it was soo fascinating, three hours of throwing a ball three feet back and forth. It's a remarkable kind of sport and very intellectual!
After dinner my father made me watch President Bush on TV. We had a good time: we ate popcorn and listened to the President. He spoke about how it is important to bomb all countries because otherwise none of these primitive people will understand the happiness that we have in our country. I don't understand why these fools get angry when we bomb them. In fact, without it they would never know the taste of coca-cola or a hamburger, and, consequently, will never enjoy democracy. Dear God, Save America! It is the only country that can make people happy. And if those people don't want to be happy - we can always make them !!
At dinner, my father and I had another loud far contest. Our dog won. He made such loud noises; the neighbors were scared and started to cry "the Russians are bombing us!! "
They hid in the basement and we tried to convince them to come out until midnight. I told them that the store has an automatic ass cleaner on sale, so they jumped at the chance, and came out.
Now I decided, I shall become a geographer. I want to study like those awesome scientists, geometry. Today our teacher taught a remarkable class!
He told us about the far off country that is called "Russia". Well, I knew a lot about this wild state before. For example, it's well-known, that Russians are a hybrid of a bear with a man that drinks vodka and eats birch bark. They live in caves, in the forest, wear fur hats with ear flaps, and play funny triangle guitars. On holidays, they set fire to the Kremlin, and dance in circles.
After the teacher's stories I think I know more about Russia and its inhabitants. Do you know that in this country there are American reserves of oil and gas? When we need them, we will go and get them. Besides, in Russia there are deposits of black caviar and red caviar, and also a deposit of vodka and pancakes. Russians mercilessly spend these riches: eat and drink, depriving the future generations of Americans. It's truly an evil empire!!
After school I visited my psychotherapist. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice and teaches me how to live. Today he taught me to wipe my ass after using the toilet. I always wondered why the bathroom spelled so badly. I should tell my family, they don't know yet. In the evening I played Tetris. That's the coolest game!! At the third level I lost. Then, I surfed on porno-sites like www.pentagon.com and www.whitehouse.org. Satisfied with myself I went to sleep.
April 24th
Today in math, we studied counting to ten. That was hard! Now it’s clear, why we only study in senior classes. I got an A. So the teacher complimented me. And I complimented him too. After that we had gym. While my friends peeked at the girls in the shower, I kept watch for the gym teacher. It kept me busy, and I didn't notice everyone peeking at me. During a long break Bob brought his father's pistol and started to shoot at girls. That was fun! The girls squealed, tried to escape, but Bob came up to them and finished them off with a shot to the head. Then the police arrived, and for some reason, took Bob away. We had a good time, and were then allowed to go home.
May 8th
Today we had an unusual history class. The teacher told us that 868 years ago, American armies invaded Berlin and won the war against Germany. In 1945, a bloody dictator named Hussein, has attacked London and bombed its capital Warsaw. Germans on tanks and bicycles have invaded Paris, Brussels, Kiev and Birobidzhan. After capturing Birobidzhan, the patience of the United States came to an end, and they entered the war. First Germans bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then in Disneyland. Germans began to recede. Then the American armies surrounded Germany and pin-point bombing has destroyed all of Berlin. Having set up the Star-Spangled Banner above Tour d'Eiffel. Saddam Hussein was captured in a Berlin suburb where he was hiding in the cellar of a supermarket. The bloody dictator was tried and sentenced to Saint Elena's island. And all nations of the world have unanimously applauded the brave American soldiers, throwing flowers at them, as well as giving them fruit and vegetables. The bloody dictators that survived have realized that no one escapes democracy !!
May 11th
After school today, we went to an art gallery. We found naked ladies, but I have seen better on the internet. Jim spat his gum on a painting, and Leslie broke a finger a sculpture. After our bus left, there was a panic in the gallery. An old woman ran and shouted: "It costs one and a half million dollars!". Jim, Leslie, and I winked at each other, in fact it was our modest contribution to world culture. We have acted as Americans would act in these circumstances. In the evening, my father and I watched hockey. The first period has begun with me getting hit in the head with the puck. I regained consciousness in hospital. The doctors examined my head, but said that there was nothing there.
- - -