Various Jokes

[Hemlock]

Im starting this thread to put any jokes that I have, onto the boards, that dont obviously fit into an existing category.

Im based in the UK so some will be orientated around the goings on in the UK, but I'll try and explain them where appropriate or adapt them so other members of the forum from around the world can still have a chuckle.

Some you will find maybe quite 'close to the bone' but I dont wish to offend anyone by any of them. They are just jokes after all.

I hope that you enjoy them.

Here we go then ...


A woman has been found dead at the bottom of the Thames in a suitcase ... who sayes men cant fucking pack ?

Cop on horse sayes to little girl on bike, 'did Santa get you that ?' 'Yes' replies the little girl. 'Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year !' and fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the cop and sayes 'nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that ?' The cop chuckles and replies 'he sure did !' 'Well' sayes the little girl, 'next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it !'

Whats the difference between a slapper and a bowling ball ? Nothing, they both get picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley !

Prostitute in the police station. The desk officer sayes 'so when did you realise you were raped ?' She replies ... 'when the cheque bounced !'

3 mice in a pub having a beer, discussing who is the hardest. 1st mouse sayes 'Im the hardest, I go up to mouse traps, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room !' 2nd mouse sayes 'you puff, I get rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it !' 3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door. 'Where are you going ?' ask the other mice. 'Home,' he replies ... 'to shag the cat !'

[sassybiatchz]

An Open Letter

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[Crazy-B]

Whats the only animal with a dick on its back?
A police horse :D

[Hemlock]

Whats the similarity between getting a blowjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ? In both cases you really dont want to look down !

Those Harry Potter books are so unrealistic. I mean, I believe that the flying car could be possible ... but where the fuck do you get a ginger kid with 2 mates !

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she files a complaint for sexual harrassment. The boss asks her 'whats sexually threatening about being told by a collegue that your hair smells nice ?' She replies ... 'its Dave the midget ...'

[Hemlock]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in fucking petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his fucking eyes and a cricket stump rammed up his bastard arse !

Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'

A blonde phones up the fire brigade and sayes that her house is on fire. Fireman asks 'how do we get there ?' She replies 'HELLO ... IN THE FUCKING BIG RED LORRY !'

[Hemlock]

OK, not sure whether our friendly moderators will like me posting consecutive posts on this thread, but how can I let people know that I have some new jokes ? Lets see ...

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand 'I've run over a pig, its stuck under the tractor and still alive ...' 'Shoot it' sayes the farmer, 'and then bury it'. Later he gets another phone call 'done that, what should I do with the fucking speed camera ???'

I bought a new pair of swimming trunks with 'SPEEDO' written across the back. I had a lovely swim, but was getting loads of funny looks in the swimming baths. It wasnt until I got changed that I realised that the 'S' had fallen off ...

Alcohol doesnt make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !

[Paul79UF]

A woman has been found dead at the bottom of the Thames in a suitcase ... who sayes men cant fucking pack ?


:lmao: so wrong

[Hemlock]

(There have been loads of floods in the UK this summer)
Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car and the woman said 'Kiss me where its wet !' So Paddy started the car and took her to Sheffield !'

Why cant you trust a woman ? How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days ... and still doesnt die !

My luck is so bad. I phoned one of those sex phone lines last night and got caught by my Mum. She said 'I know this voice ...'

[apollojohn]

Alcohol doesnt make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !

bahahaha i'll have to remember that one.

[Hemlock]

(David is a blind Member of Parliament in the UK)
David Blunkett has visited flood stricken Sheffield today to assess the situation. He reported that he couldnt see what the problem was ...

2 owls playing pool, 1 goes to take a shot and accidently touches 1 of the balls with its wing. Referee steps in 'thats a foul ... 2 hits'. Other owl replies ' 2 hits ... 2 who ?'

[Holster]

Cop on horse sayes to little girl on bike, 'did Santa get you that ?' 'Yes' replies the little girl. 'Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year !' and fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the cop and sayes 'nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that ?' The cop chuckles and replies 'he sure did !' 'Well' sayes the little girl, 'next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it !'

Whats the difference between a slapper and a bowling ball ? Nothing, they both get picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley !

I liked them the best! :D

[Hemlock]

Pleased you all liked a few. My fave is the Farmer Giles one as I have just got caught speeding in my car. I got the letter through the post saying I had been caught with photographic evidence doing 37mph in a 30mph zone, if I wanted to contest it, I should contact 'blah blah blah' at the county speeding division or some other crap. Did I fuck ! I remember when I got caught ! I was on the phone listening to the commentary from a horse race with no seat belt on ! (2 more offences in the UK) ... they penalise you heavily here when you listen to horse races ...

[Hemlock]

How is a woman like a condom ?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet ... than on your dick !

[Devastation]

A guy picks up a prostitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel.

A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs.

He chases down the prostitute and says, "hey bitch, you gave me crabs".

She replies, "what'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"

[Hemlock]

2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy sayes 'I like the rodeo position !' 'I havent heard of that ... ' sayes the other cowboy, 'what is it ?' 'Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds !'

PS Devastation, nice one. Very funny !

[Hemlock]

I dont worry about terrorism, I was married for 12 years !

[Hemlock]

I walked past Chesterfield Football Club the other day, and a bloke asked me how he got in to the ground. So I said ... 'walk around the corner and there will be 2 queues, a big one and a small one, but dont go in the big one ... thats the fish and chip shop !'

Which is the odd one out ?

1. Toaster
2. Washing Machine
3. Dish Washer
4. Woman

Answer: 1. Toaster, its the only one that doesnt drip when its fucked !

One for your mobiles/cellphones ...

'BBC News reports a wild, ugly fucker on the loose, £1,000,000 reward. You know I need the money. Where are you at ?'

[Hemlock]

A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. 'Follow me' he sayes. Off they fly, over hills, over rivers, through valleys and into the dark forest ... 'See that tree over there ?' he sayes. 'YES' they all say. 'WELL I FUCKING DIDNT !'

[Hemlock]

Why is a '69' better than a family reunion ?
With a '69' you only have to kiss one twat !

(Stars in Their Eyes is a TV program where contestants sing songs and try to sound as much like the original artist that they are portraying)
Simon goes on 'Stars in Their Eyes'. The host, Matthew Kelly, notices that hes in a wheelchair. He asks 'what happened ?' Simon replies 'I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and I had my legs amputated. But the doctors saved my uncles legs and grafted them onto me. In 6 months times I will be able to walk again !' 'Thats amazing' sayes Matthew 'who are you going to be ?' Simon replies 'tonight Matthew Im going to be ... Simon and half uncle !'

[Hemlock]

A man walks into the kitchen and sees his wife cooking. 'Shag me now !' she sayes, 'RIGHT NOW !' Not to be asked twice, the man grabs her and gives her a 'good seeing to' on the kitchen table. Straight after, the wife goes back to her cooking. 'What was that all about ?' he asks. 'Oh', she sayes looking over her shoulder, '... I couldnt find the egg timer !'

[Hemlock]

Quasimodo is lying on the ground in front of Notre Dame, bleeding everywhere, broken legs and arms. He looks up at the bell tower and sees Esmeralda looking down at him. He shouts 'you bitch ! Thats not what I meant when I said toss me off !'

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. 'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', sayes the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand ! Husband sayes 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 ! Moral of the story: men who are ungrateful bastards should remember ... fairies are fucking female !

[ThrashN]

Whats the only animal with a dick on its back?
A police horse :D

:lmao: That one cracked me up

[Hemlock]

A young woman visits her doctor and tells him that she has terrible discharge. Doctor sayes 'ok, drop your knickers and lets check it out ...' She obliges and he slips a couple of fingers in and feels around. 'How does that feel ?' he asks. 'Fucking wonderful,' she replies, 'but the discharge is from my ear !'

[Hemlock]

An octopus walks into a bar and sayes 'I can play ANY musical instrument that you like !' An Englishman gives him a guitar, which he plays better than Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano, which he plays better than Elton ! A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes so the Scotsman asks 'Whats wrong ? Can ye no play it ?' The octopus replies 'Play it ? Im gonna fuck her brains out, once I get her pyjamas off !!!'

Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. 'Ive never done that' she sayes, 'what do I do ?' 'Well' replies Ben, 'remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... thats what you do.' She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?' Ben cries 'TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END !!!'

[4savo4]

Some people drown there troubles.....But i can't get my wife go swimming.

[Hemlock]

Some people drown there troubles.....But i can't get my wife go swimming.

lol. Nice one !

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St Peter asks the first nun 'have you ever had contact with a penis ?' She replies 'I once touched one with my finger ...' St Peter tells her to dip her finger in the holy water behind him. He then asks the next nun and she replies 'I fondled one ...' He sayes 'put your hand in the holy water.' Suddenly theres a commotion and a nun pushes to the front of the queue. St Peter asks 'whats going on ?' The nun replies 'if Im going to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne sticks her arse in it !'

[Hemlock]

Michael Barrymore was asked if he'll be doing panto this year. He said that he doesnt think so, as he did Aladdin 6 years ago and hasnt heard the last of it !

(Michael is a very famous TV presenter in the UK and has faced years of allegations over the death of a young man at his mansion, the man was found dead in his swimming pool after a party)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock,
Little Bo Peep was sucking his cock,
As soon as he came, she started to weep,
She knew by the taste, he'd been fucking her sheep !

[Hemlock]

A man goes into an Amsterdam brothel and asks the madame for the fattest woman with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out fireplace ...

The madame sayes 'feeling kinky are we sir ?'

'No ...' replies the man, 'just fucking homesick !'

[Hemlock]

An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.

'What are you so happy about ?' asks the landlord.

'Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !'

'Did you get a blow job ?' asks the landlord.

'No ...' he sayes, 'I never found the head.'

[Hemlock]

Husband sayes to wife 'my Olympic condoms have arrived ! I think I'll wear Gold tonight ...' Wife replies 'why dont you wear Silver and cum second for a change !'

[Hemlock]

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

'We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do ?' she asks.

Husband replies 'Put it between your legs to keep it warm'.

'But it stinks !' she exclaims.

'So hold its fucking nose !'

[Hemlock]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very chirping,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently shut the window,
And crushed his fucking head !

Im not a morning person !

[silona]

[QUOTE=Hemlock;3747403]A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. 'Follow me' he sayes. Off they fly, over hills, over rivers, through valleys and into the dark forest ... 'See that tree over there ?' he sayes. 'YES' they all say. 'WELL I FUCKING DIDNT !'[/QUOTE


I don't even know why this one is funny, but it seriously is.
:lmao: :lmao:

[Hemlock]

I don't even know why this one is funny, but it seriously is.
:lmao: :lmao:

Im pleased that you found at least one of them funny, Ive not had any feedback on my jokes for a while now, so was wondering if I was wasting my time posting them.

Cheers.

[Hemlock]

Elton John goes to a tattoist, he wants a 'Rolls Royce' tattooed on his dick ! Tattooist sayes 'you would be better off with a 'Landrover' ... it wont get stuck in the shit !'

8 ways vodka is better for women than cocks !
Vodka is always stiff. It doesnt look smaller in the cold. It lasts as long as you want it to. Vodka doesnt prod you in the back in the morning demanding attention. You dont care how far down your throat vodka goes. You can have as many vodkas as you like in 1 night without being 'easy'. You can enjoy a vodka in front of your Mum and last but not least ... Vodka is always a pleasure to swallow !

[ingrid.sion]

funny! thanks for posting.

[ryanthelion]

i like the skunk one

[Hemlock]

Thanks guys.

Heres a couple to make you groan !

Ticket touts in the UK have already started to sell tickets for Pavarottis funeral. They are going for a 'tenner' ...

It has been announced that the hearse which will carry Pavarottis coffin will be a specially modified 'Nissan Dormer' ...

Another ...

Pavarottis newsagent is furious ! He still owes him 30 quid for his paper bill ... and theres only 2 tenors left !

[suzy]

hehehe i will pass it to my friends.

[Hemlock]

A boy takes his girlfriend home for a bit of fun, but finds his little brother sleeping in the bottom bunk. Undauntered they get in the top bunk. He says to his girl 'we will use a code, if you want it harder say 'lettuce' and if you want a different position say 'tomato' ...'

They start to make out ... 'lettuce ! tomato !' she says, 'lettuce ! tomato !'

Suddenly the brother shouts. 'will you two stop making fucking sandwiches, the mayonaise is dripping all over my face !'

Warning ... this is a bad one.

Whats worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids ?

Letting the McCanns take them on holiday !

[Hemlock]

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum a good seeing to. His dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts 'get out !'

A little while later Johnnys dad hears a commotion coming from Johnnys bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran ! Johnny just looks at him and says 'not so fucking funny when its your mum is it ?'

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
So Jack could lick Jills fanny,
Jack got a shock,
And a mouthful of cock,
'Cos Jills a pre op tranny !

[Hemlock]

Definition 'irony': 3 months before his death, Pavarotti sang at a concert to save the rainforests. Now, they've had to cut one down just to build a coffin for the fat fucker !

There is now a new hire car available in Portugal. Whilst its only a small car, you can fit a small child in the boot. Its called the Renault McCann ...

How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up as altar boy !

Congratulations to Maddie McCann ... European Hide and Seek Champion 2007.

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone, so occasionally, when no-ones looking, you stick it in a disabled one !

[Hemlock]

2 newlyweds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks, 'do you have reservations ?' The bride replies 'Im not too sure about taking it up the arse !'

A bloke asks his mate 'do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?'. His mate replies 'yeah, if she calls ...'

[4savo4]

Keep em' coming i've told half of these, today lol.

[m4rm1te]

One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee.
"Sitting Bull," He asked,
"Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?"
"Well," says Sitting Bull,
"Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs fucking?"

[Hemlock]

Sing a song of syphilis,

A fanny full of crabs,

4 and 20 ulcers,

And twice as many scabs,

When the scabs are opened,

The cunt begins to sing,

'What a fucking dirty place to put your penis in !'

Cheers '4savo4', often wonder why I bother posting, so always nice if someone out there likes them !

M4rm1te ... superb dude, loving your work ! Most amusing !

Its your boy ...

[Hemlock]

A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the babys weight 'is he bottle fed or breast fed ?' The woman replies 'breast fed.' The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... 'no wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk.' Woman replies 'I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came !'

A couple for your mobile/cell phones ...

'I am in hospital. Dont worry Im ok, but I poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it turned out to be a daffodil bulb ... I should be out in the spring !'

'Aliens are abducting men with big cocks ! You'll be safe, I just wanted to say goodbye !'

The McRae family are all distraught about the news that Colin has died in a helicopter crash, friends are rallying round ...

'Ive just loaded COLIN MCRAE HELICOPTER SIMULATOR on to my PC ... but it keeps crashing ...'

Why did Colin McRaes marriage breakdown ?
He couldnt keep his chopper up !

I was a big fan of Colins and remember vividly when he won the World Rally Championship, the dude had incredible skills and will be missed by many. RIP.

PS Hope you take the Lord for a ride in your Subaru ... and scare the shit out of him ! It shouldnt have been your time ...

[Hulio]

How is a police car like a women?
It flashes and It usually has a dick in it

[Hemlock]

lol Hulio ! Liked that one !

Whats the similarity between parsley and pubic hair ?
Both of them you want to push to one side before you carry on eating ...

McDonalds have announced their latest seasonal sandwich. Its based on a Mac, but is thrown on the floor from 400 feet and at 160mph so it is completely unidentifiable ... they are calling it the Colin McRib !

Ive just started seeing a new woman and as a romantic gesture I decided to take her to see a re run of 'Titanic' at the local cinema. Everything was going great, but as the end of the movie approached, I leaned over to her and said 'you are going to love the special effects here as the ship goes down ...' She turned to me and in a very annoyed manner replied 'THANKS FOR RUINING THE ENDING FOR ME !'

Man in street market shouting 'blow up dolls £40 !'
A bloke sayes to him, 'I bought one here yesterday and it went down on me ... '
Man shouts 'blow up dolls £80 !!!'

[4savo4]

Old but i like, Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out the knickers.

[Hemlock]

lmao ! Id not heard it, nice one dude !

It has emerged that Scotsman Colin McRae was a secret 'Sheffield United' fan, when they found the black box from the crash, his last words were 'COME ON YOU BLADES !'

Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife 'look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !' Wife replies 'yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse ...'

[Hemlock]

Boy asks, 'Dad, whats the difference between a vagina and a cunt ?' Dad lifts sleeping Mums nightdress, 'Son this is a vagina ...' Boy asks, 'can I touch it ?' Father replies, 'NO ! That'll wake the cunt up !'

Why did the Irishman wear 2 condoms ? 'To be sure, to be sure ...'

I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !

[4savo4]

You got any more Current events? There fucking funny.

[Hemlock]

Yeah dude, Ive got loads of current UK events jokes but dont post them as most users will not be from the UK so presumably wont get them. I try and balance so that we can all have a chuckle, besides some of the Maddy McCann jokes Ive had ... well, they are pretty bad if you know what I mean.

Heres one that you will get, but no-one in the states will ...

The wife of Colin McRae has withdrawn their life savings from the Northern Rock ... shes now with Scottish Widows !

(Northern Rock is a bank in the UK that has seen many savers withdraw their savings over concern for the banks solvency, due to the 'sub-prime' mortgage situation. Scottish Widows is an alternative ...)

Heres another that you may appreciate ?

Whats the similarity between Stamford Bridge and outer space ?
They are both full of stars, but no fucking atmosphere ...

(I cant be arsed to explain to everyone, sorry ...)

And another ...

News just in ! Foot and mouth has now been found on a Scottish farm ... fuck knows if they'll ever be able to find the rest of Colin McRae !

And finally ...

Boy asks his Gran nervously, 'have you seen my pills ... they were labelled LSD ?'
Gran replies 'fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!'

[Hemlock]

And the first Jose joke !

Whats the difference between Jose Mourinho and Maddy McCann ?
Mourinho is going home ...

(Long story ... sorry, this is for 4svao4's benefit !)

[4savo4]

*Gets phone out txts every single one of them jokes*

HAHA I love these.

Carry on mcCann joke.

What's worse than letting the McCanns take your kids on holiday?
Letting Colin McRae take them in a Helicopter.

Bring all the jokes you've got i don't get offended. If people do your in the wrong forum.

[SepulSchizo]

2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy sayes 'I like the rodeo position !' 'I havent heard of that ... ' sayes the other cowboy, 'what is it ?' 'Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds !'

PS Devastation, nice one. Very funny !

ahahahhahaha :lmao: :lmao:

Also, Dev's was good :lol:

tengoods

[4savo4]

Chelsea launch new aftershave called: 'The Special One' produced in assosiation with: 'U GO BOSS'

[Hemlock]

Chelsea launch new aftershave called: 'The Special One' produced in assosiation with: 'U GO BOSS'

Superb ! Loving your work !

I hear what you are saying about offending people, Im not scared of offending most people ... I think im in the top 5 highest posters in the 'Rascist' thread ! Just well, like I said most users will be from the states so we have to cater for everyone ...

Pavarotti has met Princess Di in heaven 'I'd really like a halo as big as yours', sayes the tenor. 'Fuck off fatty ! sayes Di, 'its not a halo its a steering wheel !!!'

Whats the difference between Colin McRae and Gary Glitter ?
Only 2 kids went down on McRae's chopper !

[4savo4]

People have been warned not to go near Fulham Road as an explosion has been heard, aparantly a bubble has burst.

[SepulSchizo]

A boy takes his girlfriend home for a bit of fun, but finds his little brother sleeping in the bottom bunk. Undauntered they get in the top bunk. He says to his girl 'we will use a code, if you want it harder say 'lettuce' and if you want a different position say 'tomato' ...'

They start to make out ... 'lettuce ! tomato !' she says, 'lettuce ! tomato !'

Suddenly the brother shouts. 'will you two stop making fucking sandwiches, the mayonaise is dripping all over my face !'
At first I was like :rolleyes:

But then

:lol: I lol'd

Warning ... this is a bad one.

Whats worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids ?

Letting the McCanns take them on holiday !

:lmao:

[dck42069dck]

This joke just always makes me laugh. Sounds better than it reads though.

A mushroom walks into a bar, and takes a seat. The bartender comes over to him and looks at him up and down, than says "We don't serve your kind here".
So now, the mushroom is all depressed and he gets up to leave, but than he starts thinking...and thinking...and finally, he says "Well....why not, I'm a pretty fun guy (Fungi)".



And here's my oldest (remembered) joke.

Three guys are driving down the street in a truck, their names are Fuck-you, Shit, and manners. So, their driving along, and everything is going nicely, when all of a sudden they hit a bump in the road and Shit falls out. Fuck-you stops the truck instantly in the middle of the road and has Manners go back to make sure Shit is alright, well he waits by the truck. Then, after a few minutes of being in the middle of the road waiting, a cop comes up and asks Fuck-you what he's doing. Fuck-you answers:

"ehhh, I'm waiting for shit"

so the cop, now a little agitated says:

"What is your name sir?"

"Fuck-you"

"Excuse me? What the hell is your name?"

"Fuuck-yoou"

"SIR, where the hell are your manners?"

"Mmm...about half a block down the street picking up shit"

[Hemlock]

lmao ! Superb !

Jose Mourinho has issued an appeal to be left alone saying 'I want to go back to Portugal and not be seen again'. Kate McCann has offered to help.

So, theres this prostitute who is a massive Chelsea fan. So much so, she has pictures of Frank Lampard and John Terry tattooed on the tops of her thighs, and offers freebies to anyone who can name both players. One guy has a good look, and after much humming and ah-ing finally sayes 'Im not sure about the other 2, but the one in the middle with the big lips and black curly hair is definately Shaun Wright-Phillips ...'

Prince Harry was asked how he felt about Jose Mourinho stepping down as manager of Chelsea. He said that he had a butler to handle the pimps, and didnt really give a shit so long as he got to fuck the bitch twice a day !

(Prince Harrys girlfriend is called Chelsea)

Im not an alcoholic or anything, but I went to a party and some bastard was spiking my vodka with tonic ! Its not on ...

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

[dck42069dck]

Moved the racist jokes to racist thread.


What do a blonde and a shotgun have in common?
One cock and they blow.

What do a desperate blonde and a handgun have in common?
They don't need a cock to go off.

What do a blonde and a TV have in common?
Anyone can turn em on.

What do a blonde and a mosquito have in common?
Neither stops sucking till they get slapped.

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Put em in a round room and tell them to pee in the corner.

How do you kill a one-armed blonde hanging from the top of a tree?
Wave.


Actually, one more...

How do you keep an idiot under suspense?

[Hemlock]

lol, loved the blonde jokes and hadnt heard some of the racist ones !

I tried the 'How do you keep an idiot under suspense ?' with my son ... he wasnt impressed ! lol

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men ? Their ankles ...

Why should you treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner ? When it stops sucking change the bag !

[4savo4]

^^Lol

Why do Blondes where 3 pairs of Knickers?

To keep there Ankles warm.

[dck42069dck]

Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends. The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey. Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend "Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar. So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend "Pass me the pork...pig."


There once was this Italian woman that was being forced to marry some rich man. She did not love the man though, but had to marry him because he was very wealthy. One night, he came over to her house and wanted to have sex (Their first time), she refused, but than her mother pulled her into another room and said "Are you crazy, he is so rich. You must do whatever he says" So the daughter complied and her and the man went up to her room.
When she closed the door she turned around as the man took off his hat, and reveiled that he was balding. The girl runs downstairs to her mother and says "mama mama, he has no hair on his head." Her mother says "It's alright, go back up there." So she does.
This time when she gets in there he is taking his shirt off and reveils an extremely hairy back, so she runs out again to her mother and says "mama mama, his back is covered in hair." Her mother says "That's fine. I don't want any more excuses, get back up there"
So, this time when she gets back up there, he is taking off his second shoe and reveils that he is missing half his foot. So of course, she runs down to her mother and says "mama mama, he has a foot and a half." Her mother says "Wait here, I'll be back downstairs in 15 minutes."

[dck42069dck]

A guy walks into a bar..........................he says ouch.

[Hemlock]

'Pass me the pork ... pig !' thats one of the best Ive heard in a long time ... I was like 'where is this going ... ?' Nice one !

What does a submarine and Maddy McCann have in common ?
They are both 10 feet under and filled with seamen !

Husband and wife laying next to each other in bed, wife sayes 'I had a dream that they were auctioning off cocks. The big ones went for 10 pounds and the thick ones went for 20 pounds ...' Husband asks 'how about the ones like mine ?' She replies to him 'they gave them away !' Husband sits there for amoment and then sayes 'I had a dream too, they were auctioning off cunts, the pretty ones went for a 1000 pounds and the tight little ones went for 2000 pounds.' Wife asks 'and how much for the ones like mine ?' Husband replies ... 'Thats where they held the auction !'

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide ?
The librarian sayes 'fuck off ! you wont bring it back !!!'

[Hemlock]

Husband sayes to wife "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again, it said 'Thick Cut' ... "

Theres an Eskimo on holiday in Wales. His car breaks down so he calls the AA. When the Welsh AA man has had a look at the car, he sayes 'looks like you've blown a seal ...' The Eskimo replies 'so what, you fuck sheep !'

I went for an Indian last night. After I had finished, the waiter came over and said 'Curry OK ?' I said, 'go on then, but as long as its not by fucking Elvis ...'

What do you call a double jointed spastic in a wheelchair ?
A transformer ...

Whats the difference between rape and concentual sex ?
Patience.

2 blokes getting changed after working out in a health club. One starts putting on sexy black lace knickers ! Other bloke asks 'When the hell did you start wearing womens underwear !?' His mate replies 'since my wife found them in the glove compartment !'

A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room and sees a man wanking. 'Thats awful' she sayes to the doctor. He explains that the man has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it at least five times a day or he will be in terrible pain. 'Poor man' sayes the woman. In the next room, a nurse is sucking a mans cock. 'Explain that !' she sayes to the doctor. The doctor replies 'same condition, but hes with BUPA ...'

(Healthcare in the UK is free with the NHS, BUPA provides private healthcare and is widely regarded as better ... but you do have to pay for it ...)

Whats brown, made of concrete, and shits in the woods ?
A bear, just added the concrete to make it sound interesting ...

And finally, heres 1 for your mobile/cell phones:

I have applied for a job in a mental hospital, but they said that I need 24 hours experience with a retard. So, I was wondering what you were doing tomorrow ... ?

[Jakobee]

A woman give's birth to a baby but it is sick so they take it away before she can even hold it. The doctor come's back a few hours later and says "I have some good news and some bad news." The woman says "Can I hear the bad news?" The doctor says "The bad news is your baby is ginger." "So whats the good news?" Replies the woman. The doctor says "It died."

A white woman give's brith to a white baby, a black woman give's birth to a black baby, and a blue woman give's birth to a smurf.

[Hemlock]

A woman give's birth to a baby but it is sick so they take it away before she can even hold it. The doctor come's back a few hours later and says "I have some good news and some bad news." The woman says "Can I hear the bad news?" The doctor says "The bad news is your baby is ginger." "So whats the good news?" Replies the woman. The doctor says "It died."


lmao !

A bloke walks into a tattooist and gets 'I LOVE YOU' tattooed on his cock. He goes home and proudly shows his wife ...
'There you go again', sayes the wife '... trying to put words into my mouth !'

Young boy in bath with his mum, boy asks 'Whats that hairy thing ?' Mum replies, 'its my sponge.' Boy sayes 'Oh yeah, Auntie Kim has got one, I saw her wash Dads face with it ...'

Man sayes to his wife 'your arse is as big as a 3 burner barbeque !' Later in bed the man asks his wife if she fancies a shag ? Wife replies 'no fucking point in lighting the barbeque for half a sausage !'

[4savo4]

Any new CE jokes?

[UncleSam]

There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured.

First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger.
So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000
The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000
The third guy goes measure from the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.
they say ok drop your pants
so he does and they measure
"You have no balls" they say
"Yes i do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam now pay up bitch."

[potatopaper]

^^lmao

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[Hemlock]

lmao ! liked those ones dudes !

Colin McRaes son and Madeline McCann are talking in heaven about how they died. Colins son sayes 'I went down on my Daddys chopper, then it all went black ...' Maddy replies 'Not you too !!!'

News just in, Qantas has announced that all flights from Paris to all destinations in Australia are fully booked for the next 24 hours ! (Come on England !)

How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you ?
Well, if you have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth ...

Why is a sheep better than a woman ?
A sheep doesnt care if you fuck its sister !

What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse ?
A taffy apple !

Man goes to the doctors and sayes 'doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !' Doctor replies 'do you drink much ?' Man sayes 'no, I spill most of it !'

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with nothing but a jamjar on his cock. 'What have you come as ?' asks the host. 'A fireman' he replies, 'if you break the glass and pull the knob then I'll come as fast as I can !'

A couple are driving down the road after having a blazing row. They drive past a farm with donkeys, goats and pigs. 'Relatives of yours ?' asks the husband sarcastically. 'Yes,' replies the wife, ' ... my in-laws !'

If God made the front of a womans body, who made the back ?
THE COUNCIL, only they'd be stupid enough to put a shit hole next to a play area !

Im not sure if Princess Di's fountain memorial thing in London is such a good idea. I think we should concrete it over and make a go-kart track !

A muslim was sat next to an Australian on an aeroplane. After the plane had taken off the air hostess came over and asked for drinks orders. The Australian orders a 'Jack Daniels' and coke. The air hostess asks the muslim if he too would like a drink ? Looking at the Australians drink, the muslim replies in disgust 'Id rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and had my head shoved up a sheeps arsehole, than let liquor pass my lips !' The Aussie passes the drink back to the air hostess and sayes 'Strewth, I didnt know we had a choice !'

Marriage is a three ring circus ... engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...

Whats the difference between a woman with pre menstrual tension, and a pitbull ?
Lipstick ...

Woman in a taxi lifts her skirt and sayes to the driver 'Can I pay you with this ?' The cabby looks at her pussy and replies 'Fuck me love, havent you got anything smaller ?'

[potatopaper]

Lmao at the fireman one

Q: How many etheopians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3 one to change the light and two to eat the packages.

Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and as basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a cahlic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got the gas bill.

[4savo4]

Lmao at the fireman one


Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and as basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a cahlic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got the gas bill.

Pure fucking genius.

[Hemlock]

Yeah they were definately good ones !

Whats the difference between Spurs and Chesterfield FC ?
Chesterfield has more chance of winning the Premiership this year !

Why are there so many beautiful women in Skandinavia ?
Because the vikings left all the ugly fuckers in Scotland !

Pregnant womans waters break and rushes into hospital to have the baby. After the birth, the midwife sayes 'I have good news and bad news ...' 'Tell me the bad news first' sayes the woman. 'Its a ginger haired baby' sayes the midwife. 'Whats the good news then ?' asks the woman. The midwife replies 'its dead ...'

Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?
A fifty pound note !

A family are driving behind a bin lorry, when a dildo flies off the back of the lorry and thumps into the cars windscreen. Embarrassed and to spare her son's innocence, the mother turns around and sayes 'dont worry, that was an insect.' The son replies 'Im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that !'

Why is the bible like a penis ?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest !

Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball ?
You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball !

And finally 1 for your mobile/cell phones:

'Research by Durham University over the last six years has found
that homosexuals read their text messages by pressing the buttons on their
phone using their thumbs ... too late now gay boy !'

Sorry that they've not been of a high standard recently.
Hopefully we can get them back to 'Golden' rather than 'Golden Shower' soon !

[UncleSam]

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: An unemployment line.

:lmao::lol::lmao:

[Hemlock]

I went to a dyslexic rave last night. Everyone was taking 'F's and there was a bloke in the corner trying to inject a heron in ...

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstacy directly into their mouths. This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum' ...

Whats got three breasts and cant sing ?
Danni and Kylie Minogue.

Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks 'whats your name ?'
'Carmen' she replies, '... I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?'
The man looks her up and down and sayes 'Beerpussy ...'

Bloke with no arms enters a national masturbation competition, poor sod didnt come anywhere ...

What does Princess Di and the Twin Towers have in common ?
They were both fucked by Arabs !

[joric]

Haha, beerpussy. I love that.

[Hemlock]

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesnt come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes 'Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...'

'Oh no' Edna replies, 'thats where I put him to dry !'

[Hemlock]

What does a priest and a pint of Guinness have in common ?
Black coat, white collar and watch your arse if you get a dodgy one !

Fresh nine inch cock covered in hot mustard sauce ...
Pierced young nipples dipped in boiling hot toffee ...
Soft virgin clits grilled on maple skewers ...
Freshly shaved bollocks marinated in garlic and ginger, lightly fried and served on a bed of iceberg lettuce ...
This is not just food, this is S & M food ...

(Apes the UK advert for M & S food)

[Devastation]

A chicken goes into a library, walks up to the librarian, and says "book, book, book, book". The librarian hands the chicken a book, and the chicken runs out of the library.

A few minutes later, the chicken runs back in, hands the book to the librarian and says "book, book, book, book". The librarian hands him another book and again, the chicken runs out of the library.

A few minutes later, the chickens comes back again, hands the book to the librarian and says "book, book, book, book". The librarian again hands him another book, and this time he tails the chicken as the chicken runs out of the library.

He follows the chicken across the road, past some buildings, through a field, and they finally come to a pond.

There he finds the chicken, who holds the book up to a frog. The frog says "read-it, read-it, read-it".

[gUy]

In case you dont read the racist thread jokes.

Q. Why are black people so fast?
A. All the slow ones are in jail.

[joric]

Why racist jokes make us laugh?

[Hemlock]

Man walks into a surgery and punches the doctor. 'You are a bastard telling my wife her pussy is nice !' Doctor says 'no I didnt ... I told her she had acute angina ...'

They always say that the way to mans heart is through his stomach. Thats a load of bollocks ! You show me a man thats sweating like fuck, while trying to shag his girlfriends arse off ... thats thinking about fucking food !

A woman is crawling across the floor on all fours with cum dribbling out of her ass and both sides of her mouth. What does this tell you ?
... The floors level !

[4savo4]

Back on form i see.

[Jakobee]

Pregnant womans waters break and rushes into hospital to have the baby. After the birth, the midwife sayes 'I have good news and bad news ...' 'Tell me the bad news first' sayes the woman. 'Its a ginger haired baby' sayes the midwife. 'Whats the good news then ?' asks the woman. The midwife replies 'its dead ...'



You stole my joke!

[Hemlock]

You stole my joke!

Sorry dude, I didnt realise that you had posted that one already.

I certainly didnt steal it though. As soon as its in the public domain, its 'everyones' surely ? Thats the whole point of sharing them with your friends/contacts etc ?

I get alot sent to me by text and email and thought it was a good one so posted it again on the thread. Sorry to duplicate, theres that many on here now, I kinda lose track ... its my age !

Anyway, if you were the original writer, then all credit to you, Im loving your work ! And if you arnt, then you posted it first so Im still loving it !

4savo4,

Thanks for the 'big up', pleased you enjoyed a couple.

I meant to mention ages ago that your 'U Go Boss' joke was used after you had posted it up here by Brian Connolly on the National Lottery programme ! Excellent stuff !

To be honest, Im kinda getting a bit bored with the whole thing, theres only about 6 people on here that seem to 'get them' so Im like ... 'whats the point ... ?'

Heres one that I got about 20 mins ago:

Noel Edmunds is to start a programme for BBC in aid of Comic Relief. It will take place in Africa where the little black fuckers will be playing 'Meal or no Meal' !

Hope that made you chuckle.

Anyway, Im outta here for now ... missing the Simpsons !

[4savo4]

^^

HAHAHAHA Funny as fuck keep doing the jokes this is the only joke thread i go to!

Was that joke used on TV?LOL

I've got one i can't remember if you have or i have posted it but i will anyway.

What's the difference between Fergie and Pavarotti?

Fergie can still play Giggs.

[Hemlock]

What's the difference between Fergie and Pavarotti?

Fergie can still play Giggs.

lmao ! not heard that one !

<POST SNIPPED - too much information>

Fuck it, heres another few ...

What has anal sex got in common with spinach ?
If you were forced to have it as a child, chances are you wont like it as an adult !

Whats the definition of self destruction ?
An epileptic leper !

Whats the ideal weight of a mother in law ?
About 2 and a half pounds, including the urn ...

Snow White has been expelled from Disneylands X Factor contest. She was caught sitting on Pinocchios face singing 'TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES ...'

I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say 'you'll be next !' They soon stopped that shit when I started saying it to them at funerals !

[4savo4]

What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton and England football team?

Hamilton will still have a McClaren next year.

[Devastation]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American have chartered a small plane to fly them across the Pacific Ocean.

Halfway through the flight, an engine went out. As they began their dive towards a watery grave, the pilot turned around and shouted, "If three of you jump then the plane will be saved."

The Englishman heroically stands up and shouts, "God save the Queen!" He then jumps to his death.

Not to be outdone by some Englishman, the Frenchman stands up and shouts "Vive la France!" He then jumps to his death.

Not to be outdone by some fucking frog, the American stands up and shouts, "Remember the Alamo!" He then throws the Mexican to his death.

[Minitrini]

What's blue and green and eats nuts?

Ghonohrea

[Hemlock]

The teacher asks the class what they did on bonfire night. Little Johnny says 'I stuck fireworks up 3 cats arses !' The teacher says 'no Johnny, rectum ...' Little Johnny replies 'wrecked 'em ? ... it blem 'em to fucking pieces !'

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on 'one knee' again. He replied 'look I dont like the bitch any more than anyone else, but I'd prefer it if you called her Heather !'

[Hemlock]

Some old, some new ...

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Hey, what's your disability ?' I replied 'Tourettes ! Now fuck off you shitty bastard cunt !'

A little boy is crying in a Romford supermarket. Bloke says to him 'What's up son ?' The little boy replies 'I cant find mummy ...' The bloke says 'What's mummy like ?' And the boy replies 'big cocks and Bacardi Breezers.'

What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono.

A man says to his wife 'Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' His wife replies 'You've got a bigger cock than your brother ...'

What's the difference between PMT and BSE ? One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, and the other is some kind of agricultural problem ...

Victoria Beckham has announced that she has had an affair with Michael Jackson. Jacko has denied the allegations, as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time !

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me, do I know you ?' he asks. 'Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infedelity and says 'Fucking hell, are you the bird I shagged on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a dildo up my arse ?' 'No,' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher !'

I was asked to run a marathon and I said 'no chance.' Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, and I thought 'Fuck it. I could win that !'

I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday, he said 'Have you ever shoe'd a horse ?' I said 'No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off ...'

Women eh ! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise ... and they wont take it up the arse because it 'hurts'.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.' Wife replies, 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' Man replies, 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep ...'

[Hemlock]

After her outburst on breakfast tv, a psychologist has denounced Heather Mills McCartney as 'clearly unbalanced'. Sir Paul has phoned in saying 'normally a couple of beer mats under her left foot does the trick ...'

[Cerebral]

What's black and blue and doesn't like to fuck?
The bitch in my trunk.

What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with stab wounds.

[Hemlock]

lol nice one !

3 dogs in kennels. One asks the other 'what are you in for ?' He replys 'shitting on her clean floor ... Anyway, what are you in for ?' He replies 'I pissed on the new 32" plasma TV ...' They both then notice a big alsation, one asks him 'what are you in for then ?' The alsation replies 'I was laying on the floor at the top of the stairs, and when she bent over to see how hot the bath water was, I couldnt resist and just went for it and jumped on board ...' 'Fucking hell ! You must be in big trouble. Are you being put to sleep ?' 'No,' replies the alsation 'Im having my claws clipped !'

Just been to the gym and theres a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps' !

Elton John and David Furnish are in bed one Sunday morning. Elton says 'Im just going to get the papers, no wanking while Im gone !' 'Ok, I promise' says David. When Elton gets back, the bedroom walls, doors and carpet are covered in spunk. Elton says 'you said you werent going to wank !?!' 'I didnt,' says David, 'I farted ...'

Bloke goes to see his doctor and says hes afraid to get married because of the size of his cock and asks what he can do ? The doc tells him to get a job on a farm for a month and dip his cock in cows milk every morning and then get a calf to suck it. The doc sees the man a year later and asks if he got married ? Bloke replies 'did I fuck ! I bought the calf !'

A little boy asks his Mum 'why am I black and you are white ?' 'Dont even ask,' she replies 'when I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you dont bark !'

Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is blonde, petite and shes fit as fuck. She says 'If you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll suck your cock and you can cum in my mouth.' First one stammers 'B...B...Birmingham.' Next one 'M...M...Manchester.' The third one, a paddy, stands up, takes a deep breath, composes himself and says 'London ...' She gets his cock out and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had, and as he cums, he sighs 'd...d...derry.'

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks 'if you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ...' He replies 'If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself !'

Paddy walks past a new pub and sees a sign in the window 'Pies 50p, Wanks 10p'. He cant believe his luck. He goes in and sees a stunning blonde barmaid and asks her 'are you the one that gives wanks ?' 'Yes,' she replies. 'Well,' he says, 'wash yer fooking hands, I want a pie !'

A man goes to see a wizard and says 'can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?' 'Maybe,' says the wizard, 'if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?' The man replies without hesitation 'I pronounce you man and wife ...'

[ukgoon]

Whats worse than a bulll in a china shop?
A hedgehog in a condom factory

Why dont women over the age of 70 get sent for smear tests?
Have you ever tried to pull a week old cheese toastie apart!


A guy with an orange cock goes to the Doctors to see whats wrong with it. Doctor has a look and says " are you stressed at all?" Man replies "no not at all, i love my job and life is great" Doctor says"hmmmm what do you do in your spare time?" Guy replies "watch porn and eat cheese wotsits"


MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?

MAN: He's at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I'd like to buy some toilet paper.



A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

Doctor asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well", said the man, "I was playing golf with the wife and we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows and I found one of the balls stuck in a cows fanny. I yelled to the wife "this looks like yours' and I don't remember anything after that"......



There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."

The old woman fainted.

[ukgoon]

What's the difference between Colin McRea and Gary Glitter????

Only 2 boys went down on McRea's chopper....



Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking you have to stick it in a handicapped one.


West Midlands police are looking for a racist attacker.
I phoned the information line but apparently it's not a job advert!!!


A man gets a phone call from the doctors, "It's about your wife", says the nurse, "What about her", says the hubby.

Well she's been in for tests and we've mixed up the results and we don't know if she's got Altzeimers or Aids", says the nurse.

"What shall I do", says the distraught hubby.

"Well if she finds her way home don't fuck her"......

[Nemo]

I heard this one many years ago, I don't think it's been posted, i haven't noticed it.

I may have missed some parts of but the main part is there:

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was involved in a drive-by, she was shot 3 times. During the birth, the doctor said we have some bad news and good news: the bad news is each of the triplets was shot and each has a bullet it still in them, the good news is that you have two healthy little girls and a healthy little boy and the bullet wounds seem to have left no noticeable damage. Some few years later (let's say 5), she is at home washing the dishes
when one of the two girls come running to her, "mummy, mummy, i just had a piss and a bullet came out" To which the mum replies "It's ok, i'll tell you the story of what happened" and she explains about how she was shot years ago. The next day the second girl comes running in to her mum, "mummy, mummy, i just had a piss and a bullet came out"..."it's ok, i'll tell you the story of when i was shot" and so she does... the next day the boy comes running in "mummy, mummy...." To which she replies "It's ok, I'll tell you the story of when i was shot"..."no, no i just had a wank and shot grandad!"

I think i've actually added to it, don't remember it being that long. :p

[ukgoon]

I heard this one many years ago, I don't think it's been posted, i haven't noticed it.

I may have missed some parts of but the main part is there:

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was involved in a drive-by, she was shot 3 times. During the birth, the doctor said we have some bad news and good news: the bad news is each of the triplets was shot and each has a bullet it still in them, the good news is that you have two healthy little girls and a healthy little boy and the bullet wounds seem to have left no noticeable damage. Some few years later (let's say 5), she is at home washing the dishes
when one of the two girls come running to her, "mummy, mummy, i just had a piss and a bullet came out" To which the mum replies "It's ok, i'll tell you the story of what happened" and she explains about how she was shot years ago. The next day the second girl comes running in to her mum, "mummy, mummy, i just had a piss and a bullet came out"..."it's ok, i'll tell you the story of when i was shot" and so she does... the next day the boy comes running in "mummy, mummy...." To which she replies "It's ok, I'll tell you the story of when i was shot"..."no, no i just had a wank and shot grandad!"

I think i've actually added to it, don't remember it being that long. :p

lol yeah ive heard it before, pretty funny
the version I was told went "I just had a wank and shot the cat"

[Nemo]

lol yeah ive heard it before, pretty funny
the version I was told went "I just had a wank and shot the cat"

Haha that was the first version i heard, i just found the granddad one funnier lol.

[ukgoon]

Haha that was the first version i heard, i just found the granddad one funnier lol.

its all good

[bonoboy]

farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
for sale.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Kenny, he'll
service every chicken you got, no problem." Kenny cost $3,000 but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it.

So, he buys Kenny and takes him home and sets him down in the barnyard, and
gives him a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money. So I'll need you to do a good job.
Take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. He
points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM!
Kenny gets every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the
farmer is shocked. After that, he hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Again-WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The
farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't last 24
hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find
Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging
out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling overhead and says,
"Shhhh. They're getting closer!"

[bonoboy]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[bonoboy]

Only a Newfoundlander could think of this...from the province where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a George Street tavern. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.


There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really

shocked as I didn't even know she drank."



With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."




A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?



"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."




Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie, but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

[bonoboy]

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

[Manc]

Q.Whats small, Green and full of sht.
A.The koran

[Dane_Cook]

Are you just trying to get your post count up?

[Hemlock]

Whats the difference between Heather Mills and your car ? You dont burst out laughing when your car has a breakdown !

Man walks into a pharmacy and asks 'wheres the tampons ?' The pharmacist replies 'over there by the cotton wool.' The bloke comes back with cotton wool and toilet rolls. Pharmacist asks 'I thought you wanted tampons ?' The bloke replies 'I asked her to get me some cigarettes ... and she got me baccy and rizlas ... so tonight, she can roll her fucking own !'

Middle aged wife walks into the living room naked. Husband says, 'why are you naked ?' She replies 'this is my LOVE dress !' The husband replies, 'well go and fucking iron it ...'

There are 3 main tragedies in a man's world :
1. Life sucks ...
2. Job sucks ...
3. Wife doesn't ...

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism ? A couple have called in Satan to remove a priest from their son !

FOR SALE:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 50 volumes. Excellent condition. £1000 or near offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything ...

A man walks into a doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. 'What's the matter with me ?' he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, 'youre not eating properly ...'

[Hemlock]

Whats worse than letting the McCanns take your children on holiday ? Letting them play in Peter Tobins sand pit ...

A prostitute is hit by a car and shes on the floor screaming 'IM BLIND IM BLIND !' Suddenly, a man pushes his way through the crowd saying, 'Im a doctor, stand back everyone, Im a doctor.' He goes over to the prostitute and asks her whats the matter. She screams 'IM BLIND, IM FUCKING BLIND !' The doctor says, 'Don't panic ! How many fingers have I got up ?' The prostitute screams out, 'Fuck me, Im paralysed as well !'

Think you are having a bad day ? Imagine this: You are a siamese twin joined at the hip. Your brother is gay and you are not. His lover is on his way over and you only have one ARSE !

Husband and wife go for marriage guidance. When asked by the counsellor if they had anything at all in common, the man replied 'yes, neither of us sucks cocks !'

A bloke in a bar buys a pint, drinks it down. Then he takes out a photo from his top pocket, looks at it, then puts it back. He does this every time he has a pint. After the 8th pint, the barman asks 'why do you do that ?' Bloke replies 'its a picture of the wife, when she looks good enough to fuck I'll go home !'

Teacher asks little Johnny why he didn't attend school yesterday ? 'Oh it was awful miss, Daddy got burned ...' 'Ooooh, not too bad I hope ?' said the teacher. 'Well they don't fuck about at the crematorium miss ...'

I live near a remedial school. Theres a sign on the road outside that says 'SLOW CHILDREN'. That cant be good for their self-esteem ...

Bloke says to his wife 'bend over and we'll try the social security position.' She says 'whats that then ?' He replies 'well, when my balls touch your clit, you are getting the full benefit !'

Peter Tobin being interviewed by the Police. 'So, Peter, can you explain the bones in your garden ?' 'Yes, of course I can' replies Peter, 'I bought some topsoil from Lockerbie !'


For your mobile/cell phones:

Everytime I see you, I smile ! When you walk, I laugh ! When you speak, I get excited ! For some reason retarded people amuse the fuck out of me !

They said a flower couldnt signify love. The rose managed it. They said a plant couldnt survive without water. The cactus proved them wrong. They said a retard couldnt read text messages ... well done kiddo !

[Hemlock]

A woman rings her boss and says 'I wont be at work today, Ive got anal blindness'. The boss asks 'what the hell is that ?' She replies 'I cant see my arse getting out of bed today !'

I was in Tesco the other day buying Oxo cubes. They had chicken, beef, lamb, vegetable and England. 'Whats the England one ?' I asked. 'Thats a new one weve launched,' she replied 'its a laughing stock !'

Steve McClaren is going to the FA xmas party dressed as a pumpkin. Hes hoping some bastard will turn him into a fucking coach !

Kate McCann has applied for the England Managers job, she has an excellent record ... only lost one in Europe.

Teacher says to class 'What does your dad do at weekends ?' Little Johnny says 'My dads a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the moneys right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his mouth.' Teacher takes him outside 'is that true ?' Little Johnny replies 'No miss, its bollocks. He plays for England but im too embarrased to say.'

8 things girls should say to blokes:
1. I'm bored, lets shave my pussy.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink ?
3. That fart was great. Do another !
4. Of course I swallow, I love it.
5. No, thats ok. You drink beer and watch porn, I'll do the washing up.
6. Just for a change, put it in my arse.
7. How about you get that girl from work to join us for a threesome ?
8. Marriage !?! No way, I'm happy just letting you fuck me.
Sadly, Carlsberg dont do girlfriends ...

Statistically ... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

I went to B&Q the other day. I saw a sign outside 'stainless steel sinks' ... I was like 'no shit sherlock !'

Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important ...
4. It is important that these three women never meet !

I saw that NSPCC advert a while back, you know the one ... 'Jennys uncle makes her do things that, as a child, she doesnt understand ...' I thought 'Sudoku ?'

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, brought me one of these 'mood' rings so that she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green, and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead ...

One for your mobile/cell phones:

Always remember that someone special is out there thinking about you and appreciates you for the impact you've made in their life. Its not me ... I think you are a cunt.

[Hemlock]

After speaking to the passengers, the pilot forgets to turn the intercom off. He says to the co-pilot 'Im going to have a shit, and then shag the arse off that new air hostess'. The air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on, but trips over. 'No need to rush,' says an old lady, 'hes having a shit first !'

Upon her return to Britain, after being jailed in Sudan for naming a teddy bear 'Mohamed', primary school teacher Gillian Gibbons said. 'It was terrible, I was regularly raped and tortured, I had to eat rats and all my possessions were stolen ... And thats why I left Liverpool.'

Whats the difference between AIDS and cancer ? You still get visitors if you have cancer ...

Whats the biggest problem for an atheist ? They have no one to talk to when they have an orgasm ...

John Darwin has walked into a police station after being missing, presumed dead for five years. He says that thats the last time he 'goes on holiday with the McCanns' !!!

Following the contraversy over 'Mohamed' the teddy bear, Sooty has cancelled his tour of Africa ...

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Whats Santas grotto and Ian Huntley got in common ? They both smell of Holly ...

Women dont like to hear mens opinions, they just like to hear their own opinions in a deeper voice.

What ever those 'do-gooders' say. There is no such thing as rape. A girl can run a lot fucking faster with her knickers off, than a man can run with his trousers down ...

I had a wet dream about my wife last night ... she got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself !

[Total Madman]

^^^

Fucking good post.

[ukgoon]

John Darwin has walked into a police station after being missing, presumed dead for 5 years. He says its the last time he goes on holiday with the McCanns


In retaliation against the sudanese goverment i have renamed my penis mohammed tonight as a special protest i will be giving him 40 strokes


Peter Tobin, the man who's accused of killing two girls whose bodies were found in his garden in Margate, claims he is innocent.

Apparently, he once bought some top soil off Fred West

[XxDazedxX]

Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: Cya next month!

Q:you heard the latest maddie joke?
A: nether has she...

Q:why can't Steve Irwin knitt?
A: Because hes dead.

i have millions of maddie jokes. sorry lol

[Hemlock]

If at first you dont succeed ... then sky-diving definitely isnt for you.

Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Fucking typical, all the windows are boarded up and some cunts nicked all the fucking chocolate.

My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something surprising and sexy, turned out she didnt mean rape.

Three bird watchers are talking in a pub. The first man says, 'I call my wife 'Dove' as she is small and petite.' The second man says, 'I call mine 'Flamingo' as she is tall and slender.' The third man says, 'I call mine 'thrush' because shes an irritating cunt !'

A rocket launches from Houston to Mars with two monkeys and a woman on board. Houston radios the first monkey and says, 'adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar and phase to warp factor 3.' Monkey 1 replies, 'ok roger that.' Houston then radios second monkey, 'switch off engine 3, start radiation shield and adjust anti-gravitational throttle.' Monkey 2 replies, 'roger that.' Houston calls woman, 'feed the monkeys but dont fucking touch anything !'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? Breasts dont have eyes ...

[Annsmith]

[QUOTE=sassybiatchz;3731892]An Open Letter

this penis joke is great. LOL

[Annsmith]

[QUOTE=Hemlock;3732197]Whats the similarity between getting a blowjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ? In both cases you really dont want to look down !

LOL.HAHAHAHAHA

[Hemlock]

A bloke goes to the doctors and says 'doc, I think im going a little deaf'. 'Right ...' says the doctor, 'before I examine you, can you describe the symptoms ?' Puzzelled the man says 'well, Homer is fat yellow and bald, and Marge has blue hair and a pearl necklace ...'

Got an e-mail today from a 'bored housewife 32, looking for some action !' I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the fucking bitch busy ...

What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common ? Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.

[Unhinged]

hahaha good work hemlock, keep em coming

[aznxmtg]

An Open Letter

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

the best out of the thread :lmao:

[gUy]

Why dont black people have dreams?

Because the last one who did got shot.


So this Chinese guy walks in to the optometrist for a check up. The Doctor says, "Uh oh, you have a cataract." The Chinese guys says, "what? I dont drive a cataract, I drive a Honda."

[Hemlock]

A guy gets pulled over by a cop, for speeding at 43mph in a 40 zone. As the copper is writing out the ticket, the guy asks ... 'can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name ?' 'Yes', replies the cop. He then asks, 'can you arrest me for thinking something ?' 'No', replies the cop. 'Well then', says the guy, 'I think you're a cunt !'

Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations and finding a present that I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy ...

What would Peter Crouch be if he wasnt a Premiership footballer ? A virgin ...

Why does Rafa keep rotating his squad ? To keep the robbers guessing who will be at home on matchdays !

I brought some of those flavoured condoms the other day. I said to my wife, 'lets play a game, I put one on and you try to guess what flavour it is.' She closed her eyes went under the blanket and said, 'cheese and onion flavour ?' I replied, 'for fucks sake, give me time to put one on !'

We are always told that we should look after, and keep an eye on, our elderly neighbours. Why the fuck should we ? My 77 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasnt even taken her newpapers in for 2 weeks !

Paddy is in bed with his wife. The phone rings at 3am, Paddy answers and says 'why dont you just fuck off and ask the Met Office !' His wife asks, 'who was that ?' Paddy replies, 'some silly fucker asking if the coast was clear ...'

Politicians and babies nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason ...

[Hemlock]

Whats black and white and goes to bed hungry ?
Heath Ledgers cat.

Did you hear the latest result from the African Nations Cup ?
Togo Eight - Ethopia Didnt.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that dont ...

Isnt technology amazing ? I tried to open a new email account today, When it asked me to enter a password I entered 'penis'. A message flashed up 'PASSWORD REJECTED, TOO SHORT'. I thought 'how the fuck do Microsoft know the size of my prick ..?'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco, when the husband picks up a crate of Stella and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think youre doing ?' asks his wife.
'Theyre on offer, only £10 for twelve cans', he replies.
'Put them back, we cant afford them,' demands his wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think youre doing ?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream ... it makes me look beautiful', replies his wife.
Her husband retorts, 'SO DOES TWELVE CANS OF STELLA - AND ITS HALF THE FUCKING PRICE !!!'

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions 'Excuse me mate, whats the quickest way to Dublin ?'
Paddy says 'are you on foot ... or in the car ?'
The Englishman says 'in the car.'
Paddy replies 'thats the quickest !'

Benazir Bhutto stood up for human rights, she stood up to oppression, she stood up to dictatorship ... I bet she wished she never stood up to fucking wave ...

[cloudfox]

How do you know you're at a gay picnic? When all the hot dogs taste like shit.

How do you start a marathon in Ethiopia? Throw a bagel down a hill.


A small black toddler is baking pies with his grandma. He gets flour in his face, and he says, "Look, Gramma! I'm a white boy!" The grandma slaps him across the face and says, "Go tell your mom what you just said!" So he goes into his mom's room and he tells her, "Look mamma, I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him across the face and she says, "Go tell your father what you just said!" So he goes into the yard and he says, "Look Pa, I'm a white boy!" His dad slaps him across the face, and he says, "How do you like being white NOW?" The boy rubs his cheek and replies, "Well, it's been only 5 minutes, and I already hate you fucking niggers!"

[Hemlock]

Why does the French flag have Velcro ? So that the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war ...

Whats the difference between the government and organised crime ? One is organised ...

What do you call a woman who answers you back ? An ambulance !

A gypsy takes his wife to casualty. Shes got no teeth, a broken nose and 2 black eyes. Doctor asks 'What happened ?' Gypsy replies 'she was going through the change.' Doctor sayes 'that doesnt happen with the change !' Gypsy replies 'it does when its in my fucking pocket !'

Whats the first thing a battered wife does when she gets out of hospital ? The fucking dishes if she knows whats good for her !

Been to see my friends new baby today. She asked me if Id 'wind' it for her. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg ...

Some mornings I just wake up 'bitchy'. On a weekend I let her sleep in ...

How do you get 20 asylum seekers in a shoebox ? Tell them it floats !

I think I have contracted Bird Flu. Im pretty sure its Bird Flu because Ive got a sudden urge to shop, Ive started talking bollocks and I cant park the car !

I just got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas. I didnt cheat, I just miss-understood what the crap table was for !

A bloke goes to the checkout at the supermarket. He has a small steak pie, can of peas, 2 potatoes and 4 cans of lager. 'Single night in eh ?' asks the checkout girl. 'Thats incredible' sayes the bloke, 'how did you know ?' The checkout girl replies 'because you are a fucking ginger !'

When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could shag her. When I grew up, I realised that God didnt work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness !

I opened my front door this morning to find a large black coffin. I gave him a pack of lozengers and told him to fuck off !

UK related news stories:

A teenager in Bridgend was saved from serious injury when he fell 30 feet from a balcony this morning. A police spokesman commented "good job he had that rope around his neck or he would have broken his legs !"

You think its cold here ? Its minus 17 in Bridgend ...

Its really fucking bad in Bridgend, I went into Halfords to buy a tow rope and they asked me what size collar I was !

Forget winning the Lottery. Im off to open a rope shop in Bridgend !

I called the Samaritans in Bridgend the other day, the voice at the other end told me they were 'very busy at the moment ... so please hang on the line.'

In the news, Gazza has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act and sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery. "We're glad to have him back !" commented Kevin Keegan.

Im off to Old Trafford right now ! Ive just heard that they are having a free to enter tribute for 'THE BUSTY BABES' !

One for your mobile/cell phones:

Congratulations ! You have won the weight of your brain in sweets ! To claim your free Tic-Tac log onto www.thicktwat.com

[Hemlock]

After a night of dirty loving, my wife asked me if I liked anal sex ... I said it was just 'fucking shit' !

[Marcos2990]

why does beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"

because black people have no rights

[Hemlock]

I used to call my ex wife 'Treasure.' It wasnt because she was precious to me. It was because everybody kept asking where I dug her up from.

A new map of the world has just been released, The north pole is at the top, the south pole is at the bottom and every other fuckin' POLE is in Britain !

[KingKen69]

Too bloody funnny lol, keep em coming matey.

[dark_lotus_999]

Why'd the woman cross the road?


Never mind that, what's the bitch doing out of the kitchen?

[Hemlock]

A bloke walks into a bank, gets in line and when its his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, 'did you see me rob this bank ?'

The customer replies, 'well ... yes !'

The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ...

'DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK ... !?!'

The man calmly responds, 'no, but my wife did ...'

---

A wife comes home early to find her husband fucking a midget.

'You promised me you wouldnt cheat on me again !' she screams.

'Calm down will you,' he replies, 'cant you see Im trying to cut down ...'

---

(One for the UK only ...)

Police digging at the Jersey childrens home have found Michael Jacksons other glove ...

[....]

explain the uk one

[Hemlock]

explain the uk one

Well, if you dont get it, its pretty much academic I would think. However, Police are searching blocked off cellers and rooms at a 'now closed' care home for children on Jersey. There are serious allegations of child abuse taking place at the home. Hope that helps.

---

Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the sequel to 'Ghost', they start filming in about 5 weeks ...

The zookeeper says to Paddy, 'the gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it, would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds ?' Paddy replies, 'I will on 3 conditions: 1st, Im not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know. And 3rd, Ill need a couple of weeks to get the cash together ...'

Patrick Swayzes PR people have denied that he has 5 weeks to live. In a statement, they said 'nobody puts baby in the coroners !'

Whats worse then getting raped by Jack the Ripper ? Getting fingered by Captain Hook ...

Just had a holiday in Jersey, but found it hard to relax with all those kids under my feet ...

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb ...?

In the news, BA has halted all flights from the UK until further notice. A statement read 'I aint gittin on no plane you crazy fool !'

David Blaine is gutted at the minute. He has discovered his 44 day record of 'doing fuck all in a box' has been smashed by Michael Owen.

A seven year old and four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what ?' sayes the seven year old, 'I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast Ill swear first, then you.' 'Ok', sayes the four year old. Mum comes from the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Shit Mum, Ill have Cocopops' WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the four year old and sayes sternly 'and what do you want for breakfast ?' 'I dont know', he blubbers, 'but it wont be fucking Cocopops !'

[....]

Fire brigade phones King Kev in the early hours of Sunday morning...

"Keegan, St James Park is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Kev

"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
---------------------------------

To prove Bin Laden was still alive a video was released on this video the leader appeared and stated “to prove I am still alive, Newcastle were rubbish on Saturday”. The British government said “That video could have been taken any time over the last five years”.

[dannymscott14]

a little girl takes a shower with her mom and looks up and asks what is that and the mom said hair and the little girl said when do i get it and the mom said when u get older so she looked up again and said what are those and the mom said boobs and she asked when do i get them and the mom said when u get older so the next day she takes a shower with her dad and looks up and says what is that and he says my cock and she says when do i get it and he says when your mom leaves for work.

[Hemlock]

The Welsh mining industry looks set for a comeback. Apparently theyve found some copper in Snowdonia ...

Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese Police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed ...

Why are women like clouds ? Because when they fuck off its usually a nice day ...

I was reading about Shannon Matthews mum earlier today. Shes got 7 kids by 5 different fathers. Personally, I think thats fucking disgusting ... I mean, what man would want to shag her twice ?

I turned to the wife the other night and said 'Im going down the pub, get your coat.' 'Thats nice, you gonna buy me a drink ?' she asked. 'No', I replied, 'Im turning the heating off ...'

[Hemlock]

My wife suggested a few weeks ago that we should keep a diary with a record of every time we have sex. So far Im winning 6 - 4 !

Why are there no casinos in China ? Because the Chinese hate Tibet ...

If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time ...?

What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross ? 'Dont touch my fucking Easter eggs, Ill be back on Monday !'

I dont know why the fuck Heather Mills campaigns against landmines. After all, shes only half as much at risk from them ...

After the judgement that Heather Mills is to receive £24 million in her divorce settlement, she immediately announced that she was to buy a new plane, but will still use a razor on the other leg ...

Lonely hearts ads, what they mean:
'Adventurous' - likes anal
'Athletic' - no tits
'30 something' - 41
'Fun' - annoying
'Wild' - gets pissed easily
'Beautiful eyes' - face like a robbers dog
'Seeks knight in shining armour' - ex husband is a fucking nutter
'New-age' - hairy with a smelly cunt
'Headstrong' - argumentative
'Enjoys pubs and clubbing' - alcoholic
'Curvy' - fat cunt
'Cuddly' - fat cunt
'Likes eating out' - lazy fat cunt

[jenshen]

Hick

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of
the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv."
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think
it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I
want to tell you it was horrible."

Disqualified...

Do you know why Schumacher was disqualified from race in Australia? His blood test showed gasoline positive...



Black Sheep...

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and
science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The
tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says,
"Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman
gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out
what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here
is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for
one black one. Nature does this on occasion." read more » (http://jojojokes.com/node/97)

Think different...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math
class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his
name."Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that
come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one
is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"



The Best Out-Of-Office e-mail auto-replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over)

6. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of
'Steve'

Who should be in charge?...

One day the different parts of the body were
having an argument to see which should be in charge:The brain said, "I
do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."

The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we
are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or
move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of
you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be
in charge."

The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the ass said, "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't
do anything! You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in
charge."

So the ass closed up. read more » (http://jojojokes.com/node/213)

Not anymore...

Once John came back home late, drunk and slept right away. His wife Ann, while taking off his cloth, found used condom in his pocket... She was upset and stuck condom right into John's budd while he was sleeping.

Following week John came back home early and was not in the mood... Ann could not understand what's happened and ask him:

- John, why don't you go out with your friends for beer anymore?

John thought for a while and replied:
- They are not my friends... Not anymore... Not anymore...

Boss vs Worker...

Worker: 9 months to produce a baby...

Bosses: 9 females able to produce a baby in 1 month...



2 Old Gals

When it started to rain, one of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.



Blond and orange juice

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

read more (http://jojojokes.com)

[ukgoon]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculations and told his mate.

"I used to have that problem but found a cure" says his mate

"I'll lend you my starting pistol and when you feel about to reach the point then fire the pistol and it stops you"

A few days later they meet again and he asks how he got on using the starting pistol.

"Well, i was having a good time with the wife and felt as though i was about to cum so i reached for the pistol and fired it"

"and did it work?" asked his mate

"work?" he said " we were having a 69 and when i fired the pistol she sh*t on my face and the next door neighbour came out of the wardrobe naked with his hands up"

[spionkop1985]

Q - Why did the woman cross the road?

A - Who gives a fuck, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

[Hemlock]

Just got this by email, not sure how long this will last before someone spots it. But, go to http://www.imdb.com/ and search for 'wanker' ... you'll 'not' be surprised who's photo comes up !

[4savo4]

got a new job at the samaritans tried to phone in sick this morning and the bastards talked me out of it.

Greater Manchester Police are looking for a "racist attacker".

I rang them but apparently it isn't a job advertisement.

[Hemlock]

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and youre going to want to shoot it ...

How do you bring up a child in Jersey ? Remove the flagstones and start digging ...

Lucky that family left their home in Farnborough for the weekend, before the plane crashed into it. But, its a shame they left the landing-lights on ...

Going to War over Religion is basically killing one another to see who has got the better imaginary friend ...

---

Husband and wife ...

Before marriage:-

Husband - Aaah ! ... At last ! I can hardly wait !
Wife - Do you want me to leave ?
Husband - No ! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me ?
Husband - Of course ! Always have and always will !
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me ?
Husband - No ! Why are you even asking ?
Wife - Will you kiss me ?
Husband - Every chance I get !
Wife - Will you hit me ?
Husband - Hell no ! Are you crazy !?!
Wife - Can I trust you ?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling !

After marriage: (read from bottom to top.)

[FantastikO]

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The bitch can cook in the dark.

[Hemlock]

A dog is truly mans best friend. If you dont believe me, then just try this experiment: Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really pleased to see you ?

I cant wait to see Boyzone back on stage together ... it gives me more chance of taking them out with one bomb !

I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on 'sexist' jokes ... she was too busy cooking though.

I work in a great office, as far as me and the lads are concerned, 'harass' is still two words ...

Woman in labour, shouting the usual shit ! 'Get this out of me, give me the drugs !!!' She turns to her boyfriend and sayes, 'you did this to me you fucker !!!' He replies casually, 'if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said "fuck off it will be too painful" ...'

[Devastation]

What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

[Hemlock]

Why do women have foreheads ? You have to kiss them somewhere after a blow job ...

I call my wife Jane Austen. Not because she writes beautifully, but because of the constant period drama ...

I had my work appraisal yesterday. I thought I was doing really well, but my boss told me that 'there is no "I" in team', to which I replied 'but there is a "U" in cunt ...'

[Gunned Down]

2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy sayes 'I like the rodeo position !' 'I havent heard of that ... ' sayes the other cowboy, 'what is it ?' 'Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds !'

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[lovestospooge]

hahaha i just wanted to say thanks for the jokes ive been telling my friends them

why did the blonde sneak past the medicine cabinet? because there were sleeping pills in them

why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? to see how long she would sleep for

i knew a blonde that was so stupid she called me to get my phone number

i knew a blonde that was so stupid she spent 15 minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate

i knew a blond that was so stupid that..

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

tried to drown a fish

etc might post more later :)

[Hemlock]

The man in charge of the luggage at Heathrows Terminal 5 has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 30,000 cases to be taken into account ...

Ive heard that Mark Speight has finally had some good news. Apparently neither the BBC or ITV would offer him a job but thankfully hes turned up on a local station instead ...

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans ... Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans ... who will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch the games.

The 2012 London Olympics are supposed to restore British National pride. £20 billion to restore British National pride ? For £20 billion, we could have written 'FUCK OFF GERMANY' on the moon ...

China now says that the Olympics will be a pay-per-view event. If you dont watch ... the Tibetans are going to pay ...

I dont usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this months edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell. So I thought, 'what the hell, Ill treat myself and splash out on a copy' ... Thats me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future !

I love going gay clubbing. My only problem, is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards ...

I wouldnt say that Shannon Matthews mother was ugly, but she has admitted to Police that she does have to get her vibrator pissed first ...

Pete Doherty has asked for the biggest, cheapest, dirtiest piece of crack to be delivered to his cell ... the wardens brought Karen Matthews to see him.

Karen Matthews ? I mean, where is the Yorkshire Ripper when you really need him ...?

A reporter was asking Gordon Brown several questions at number 10 regarding the Iraq war. Reporter: 'What proof did you have that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction ?' Brown: 'We kept the receipts ...'

Paul McCartney should consider himself lucky ... in olden times most people who found themselves being robbed by someone with one leg would have had to walk the plank as well ...

I see a lot of women are using this site ... the dinner wont cook itself you know.

[ukgoon]

I'm poo at this game ______
| |
| 0
| /|\
| /\
|
M_RK SPE_G_T

[4savo4]

I'm poo at this game ______
| |
| 0
| /|\
| /\
|
M_RK SPE_G_T

:D:D:D

You brilliant twat.

[lovestospooge]

the meaning of mung

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mung

is a joke in itself

[Hemlock]

Typical isnt it, just when you thought that Maddie Mccann had pissed the World Hide and Seek championship, a bloody Austrian romps away with the title with '24 years' ...

Austrian authorities have said that Josef Fritzl has, in recent days, been improving as a father. In fact, Police have said that he has 'Been coming into his own' ...

Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, 'what the fuck are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night ?'

[Hemlock]

A journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Fritzls daughter 'Alice'.

'Alice ?' he replied, 'who the fuck is Alice ? ... For 24 years ....... Ive been living next door to Alice ...'

[Hemlock]

Austrian women are like fine wines, they should be kept in a cellar to mature ...

'Shag' ... funny word isnt it ? To a smoker its a type of tobacco. To an American its a dance. To an ornithologist its a bird. And to you its just a remote possibility !

In my cellar, Ive got a fridge full of beer, a dartboard and a pool table. Trust the fucking Austrians to go one better ...

Whats the worst thing about gang rape ? Waiting your turn ...

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, 'morning'. 'No', he replied, 'just having a shit ...'

[cybrarian]

A judge was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to empanel anyone available.

He found a dozen economists and told them that they were a jury. The economists thought this would be a novel experience (none had ever been at a trial before, except as a defendent or an expert witness) and followed the judge into the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After three hours, the judge sent the bailiff into the jury- room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they arrived at a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, Judge, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


http://ifundb.com/jokes/financial/10329-drunk_driving_case

[Andy999]

Outstanding! All of em!

[cybrarian]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

more stuff: http://ifundb.com

[Refuse]

A journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Fritzls daughter 'Alice'.

'Alice ?' he replied, 'who the fuck is Alice ? ... For 24 years ....... Ive been living next door to Alice ...'

Is that a bar song?
While I was in Belgium, during one Octoberfest there was a band singing something like that and everyone was singing along with them. People on the tables everywhere.

"Alice!? Who the Fuck is Alice!?"


What is that song? Is that the name of it?
Guess I could google it but well...I've already posted this now.

[Nemo]

Is that a bar song?
While I was in Belgium, during one Octoberfest there was a band singing something like that and everyone was singing along with them. People on the tables everywhere.

"Alice!? Who the Fuck is Alice!?"


What is that song? Is that the name of it?
Guess I could google it but well...I've already posted this now.

Smokie- Living next door to alice.

Their version didn't have the 'who the fuck is alice'. I could be wrong, but i think Chubby Brown was the first one who used those lyrics (correct me if im wrong). But he was the first person i heard sing it.

I remember like 8 years ago, in Spain, the hotel we were staying at (full of Germans, Australians etc) and they all knew the song, it was played at this big party the day before we left.

[cybrarian]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[Hemlock]

A few years ago, to gain more 'street cred' and a career lift, Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the first syllable of her surname and rebranded herself as 'J Lo'. With his career on the rocks, I just cant understand why Pete Docherty hasnt done the same ...

Who said men cant multi-task ? I mean, have they never seen a bloke watching porn ?

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers, so he asks the barman, 'what the fuck is that ?' The barman replies, 'its a moose.' The Scottish bloke says, 'fuck me ! How big are your cats ?'

My cousin has just died. He was only 18. He got stung by a bee ... the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

Inside every fat person is a thin person crying to get out ... but you can usually shut the bastard up with chocolate ...

The Austrians have taken their fondness for the 'Sound of Music' way too far. They even have their own Von Trapped family ...

[Hemlock]

Picture the scene:

Its 1984, and in a supermarket in Austria ...

Josef Fritzl - 'Elisabeth, give me a hand with putting the groceries into bags ...'

Elisabeth - 'Up yours, Dad ! Im eighteen ! I wanna go to the Wham concert with my friends, then see Ghostbusters at the cinema, and theres nothing you can do about it ! You old git !'

Josef Fritzl - 'Just wait until I get you home young lady ! Youre gonna get such a good hiding ...'

[harroe-harroe]

can anyone help me to find out any kind of information about the history of dead baby jokes?

Did they start through the internet? Did one person invent them? Is there any books published on them? how long have they been around for? Why did they catch on? etc....

any information would be greatly appreciated!

[Jakobee]

Whats the worst thing about gang rape ? Waiting your turn...

Hehehe, its funny cause it's true...

A new map of the world has been made. South Poles in the South. North Poles in the North, and every other fucking Poles in England!

[Scenester]

A comedian.

[DLoFunk]

What's the difference between a coal miner wearing glasses and Al Sharpton?


The miner is a nerdy digger.

[Hemlock]

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ... I took her to a petrol station ...

[cybrarian]

This notice was found in a London office building. It was dated 1852.

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

[Hemlock]

I take rape very seriously ... the planning, the gagging ...

Just been down to the new sperm bank in town, they actually pay you for your sperm ! When I think of all the money Ive let slip through my fingers over the years ...

How many of the 'Lost' cast does it take to change a lightbulb ? 1, but it will take 20 episodes ...

Did you hear about the new 'Chelsea Bra' ? Lots of support but no cups ...

GOOD News ... Josef Fritzl will receive the death penalty. BAD NEWS ... John Terrys taking it ...

John Terry Photo Joke: http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e122/mrsbeak/terry.jpg

Bloke's 'Sheilas Wheels' advert: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yXSx5ltW-0

[Hemlock]

Breaking News: It has been announced that they're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps. So you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you ...

Ann Summers has brought out a new lubricant called 'KY Terry'. Its designed to help you slip in the box more easily ...

Why do bulimics love KFC ? Because it comes with a bucket ...

I know the cost of food is rising, but fuck me, you have to dig deep for a Chinese these days ...

[Hemlock]

I keep having my profile rejected on that dating website 'match.com'.

One of the questions is 'what do you want in a woman ?'

Apparently 'my cock' is not an acceptable answer ...

[Hemlock]

Ive got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well though. Im just seeing less and less of her ...

I showed this bird my dick the other night. She said, 'thats small, I thought you said that you had at least a foot !' 'No,' I replied, 'I said I had athletes foot ...'

A friend of mine tried to talk me into going to a party tonight. 'Come on,' he said, 'you might meet the woman of your dreams ...' I said, 'no, Im not sure I want to be seen in public with that filthy slut ...'

Have you tried those new 'super sensitive' condoms ? They hang around afterwards and talk to the woman ...

My girlfriend watched a porno with me for the first time last night. She was ok with the graphic scenes of sex, but found the masturbation very 'off putting'. She kept slapping my hand to make me stop ...

I dont know whats happening in this country. Youve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. Its a nightmare ... you just dont know whether to carry sweets or money !

For years, I thought my Dad suffered from 'tourettes'. Turns out though, he just thought I was a wanker and a fucking cunt ...

Stallone, Schwarzenegger, van Damme, and Seagal are sitting in a pub discussing forthcoming projects. Stallone says, 'why dont we do some sort of action movie about classical composers ? Ive always fancied playing Beethoven.' 'Brilliant,' says van Damme, 'Im sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky.' Seagal nods and says, 'Ive got Rimsky-Korsakoff down pat, guys.' Schwarzenegger finishes his beer and says ... 'Ill be Bach ...'

Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but Ill never know why ...

[Phat_Jakk]

Funny jokes up in here.

[Hemlock]

I went to a 'Premature Ejaculation Anonymous' meeting the other day but nobody was there. I think I came too early ...

Please note: men do not suffer from premature ejaculation. In fact, we quite enjoy it ...

Is Barack Obama the first black man to beat a white woman and not serve time for it ...?

Whats hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with 'c', ends with 't', and has a 'u' and an 'n' in the middle ? A coconut ...

A man hates his wifes cat so much, he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, its there ! Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, its there again ! So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, 'is the cat home ?' 'Yes, why ?' asks his wife. 'Put the black and white bastard on,' he says, 'Im fucking lost ...'

[ukgoon]

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

[Hemlock]

lol, nice one !

Being a dyslexic at school, my English teacher always used to insult my grammar. I said, 'you never even met her ...'

Despite the high cost of living, it remains hugely popular ...

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that ...

[Hemlock]

They say alcoholism is an illness. So why cant we phone in 'drunk' to work ...?

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, 'gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ...'

Paddy took his chainsaw back into 'B&Q' and says to the bloke at the returns counter: 'you told me this chainsaw would cut one hundred trees down in a day, well today its only cut fifty.' So the bloke gets the chainsaw and pulls the start up cord and it goes 'brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.' Paddy looks him up and down and asks, 'whats that fuckin' noise ?'

Have you seen those new adverts for the Citroen C5 car ? Basically, they are marketing it as an 'unmistakably German' car that turns out to be French. What the fuck does that mean ? A car that goes around starting wars and then immediately surrenders ?

I was reading the Sun this morning when I saw the headline 'John Leslie in Police Rape Quiz'. Imagine my disappointment when I realised it wasnt a gameshow ...

[ukgoon]

An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzl’s daughter Alice.

"Alice" he replied "Who the fuck is Alice?.... You mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice?!"

[Master Bates]

A survey across England, asked the general public whether they prefered to be known as 'British' or 'English'.

The overwhelming majority answered 'Polish'

[Hemlock]

Half of all marriages end in divorce, but Id say that its better than the alternative ...

When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house ...

If size doesnt matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isnt three inches long and crooked ...?

I just dont see why we Brits dont celebrate the 4th of July ? Surely 232 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about ...

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one youll get a great view of her arse ...

New website for people with dyslexia. 'www.dailysex.com'

[Hemlock]

Quick one ...

Im going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle, jumps in the car and fucks off !

[Hemlock]

Another ...

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost £5000 to ship her home or £500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said 'ship her home'. Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir, why dont you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?' The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the fucking chance !'

[longstoryshort]

nazis have a clock tied up

clocks mad nervous going "tick tick tick tick tick tick"

german general comes in and in deep german accent says

"we have ways of making u tock"

[ukgoon]

Paddy says to Mick "I hear that the girl who played Pussy Galore in James Bond has split her fanny open!" ... Mick replies "Honor Blackman?" .. "No" says Paddy "on a dildo!"

[kirchow]

[QUOTE=Hemlock;3747403]A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. 'Follow me' he sayes. Off they fly, over hills, over rivers, through valleys and into the dark forest ... 'See that tree over there ?' he sayes. 'YES' they all say. 'WELL I FUCKING DIDNT !'[/QUOTE


I don't even know why this one is funny, but it seriously is.
:lmao: :lmao:
fail quote

[Hemlock]

Paddy says to Mick "I hear that the girl who played Pussy Galore in James Bond has split her fanny open!" ... Mick replies "Honor Blackman?" .. "No" says Paddy "on a dildo!"

LMAO ! One of the best Ive heard in ages.

Nice one (texts all mates).

PS I'll try and get around to posting a few this week if I get chance.

[ukgoon]

an old lady is walking in the cemetery and sees a man behind a gravestone she says "morning" he says "no just having a shite"

[kirchow]

yo hemlock... is a "twat" british slang for pussy?

(contrary to my avatar I'm from America)

by the way...quit double posting...or in your case x10 posting

[Hemlock]

yo hemlock... is a "twat" british slang for pussy?

(contrary to my avatar I'm from America)

by the way...quit double posting...or in your case x10 posting

And who are you ... the 'posting' police ? Twat.

Anyway ...

The wife complained to me the other day that I dont take her seriously. I had to laugh ...

Heather Mills is such a money grabber. I just dont know why she wanted all that money. Shes only going to spend it on handbags and shoe ...

I just ended a long-term relationship today. Im not too bothered, it wasnt mine ...

Remains of five children have been found in the search of a childrens home in Jersey. However, police say there is unlikely to be a murder inquiry because its impossible to date the remains. Michael Jackson says hes willing to give it a go ...

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred ... like in a sandwich or something !

I feel that Mikey, the blind guy, is the Big Brother contestant who best represents the British public. We arnt watching anything in the house this year either ...

One thing that always amazes me is people who don't believe in sex before marriage ... when clearly, its sex after marriage which doesnt exist.

What do you call a woman who is standing in a bar, playing pool, with a pint of lager on her head ? BeerTricks Potter.

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

[BlueQuarter]

^^

haha =)

Thanks for the laughs today dude

[Run You Down]

I don't know if i am allowed to post racist jokes and i am sorry if they offend anyone but heres a couple:

Whats the difference between a hard working nigger and bigfoot?
Bigfoots been spotted.

Why don't niggers like blowjobs?
Because they don't like any jobs.

How many niggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2 one to screw in the lightbulb and another to drive the pink Cadilac.

How do you starve a nigger?
Put his welfare check under his work boots.

What do you get if you get 32 niggers in 1 room at the same time?
A full pair of teeth.

I got loads more so you can send me a PM and ask me to post them or i can PM all the ones i know back to you.

PS

I have a fast car. Watch out.

[Hemlock]

/\ /\ /\
We used to have a racist thread on here, but they took it down in Feb/March this year because apparently it was so big that it was causing probs for the software or something.
The admin people did promise to bring it back, but alas it has never reappeared. Maybe they got a lot of complaints ?
You could start another one if you have loads of jokes to start it off with, I was considering starting one myself as I was in the top 3 contributors to this now defunct thread, but dont contribute to the forum as much as I used to, so cant really be arsed.
Also, alot of jokes just got repeated time and time again which was just annoying ....

Anyway ...

If any members of the Chinese Government or Olympic Organisers are reading this, I would like to make this firm statement on behalf of myself and millions of other Britons: We dont give a fuck about Tibet. Now please get the womens Beach Volleyball started ...

If God didnt want us to eat animals, he wouldnt have made them out of food.

George W Bush is on his 134th state visit which makes him ... and I shit you not, the most internationally travelled President in US history. He must have an unquenchable thirst for international diplomacy. Well, either that, or hes a drugs mule ...

News reports today tell that British hospitals are 'plagued by vermin and pests'. Well, if we didnt give them asylum in the first place ...

Just remember, there are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shitheads ...

I just dont get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick ... but no cunt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they ...?

[kubo76]

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

[kubo76]

one more

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[fake]

bahahaha i'll have to remember that one.and i will share with some one.

[particlephysics]

thats a really gaY JOKE

[Hemlock]

Im one of those people that likes to read while I'm having a shit. This is also the reason why Im banned from Waterstones ...

My wifes back on the bottle. She said fisting just wasnt the same ...

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low ...?

I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you 'live forever'. So far so good ...

We were watching James Bond the other day when my wife said, 'phwoar, I could do him some damage !' I said, 'hows that then ? Youd go on top ...?'

Stockings and suspenders ... lacy black bra ... crotchless panties ... micro miniskirt ... see through blouse ... Carlsberg dont make school uniforms ...

I think our Olympic canoeists did a really great job. And none have gone missing so far ...

A big row broke out yesterday in the Irish synchronised diving team in Beijing. Paddy says Mick was copying him ...

According to Sebastian Coe, 'There is no greater feeling than representing your country at the Olympics.' Really ? Surely having Angelina Jolie sitting on your cock, whilst you snort coke off Jessica Albas tits would feel greater ...?

The Paralympics is to start soon. So, take care not to offend any disabled people nearby ... by referring to it as 'The Real Robot Wars' ...

Jade Goody has cancer and must undergo chemotherapy. She has said that she is worried that 'hair loss' might ruin her looks. Nice to see she hasnt lost her sense of humour ...

'Its too hot to wear clothes today,' my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower. 'What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this ?' he asked. 'Probably that I married you for your money,' I replied ...

The Muppet Show is set to return to TV for the first time in 27 years. Thats nice. Miss Piggy will be able to get a proper job instead of doing those Iceland adverts ...

So, Gary Glitter likes to have sex with six-year-old girls, doesnt like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think hes the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed ?

Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board. If you ask me, anyone who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the fucking plane ...

I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over. My wife was not impressed and said, 'how about finishing me off now ?' So I smothered her with my pillow ...

[cleve1212]

I think it was Mark Twain that said “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky because it's always twenty years behind the times”.

I can post this because I'm from Kentucky.

[EpicSmurfz]

One for the UK Mobiles --

You're invited to a big family BBQ at a mansion in Shropshire. There'll be plenty of beer, but sadly, no Fosters!

[particlephysics]

/ / /
We used to have a racist thread on here, but they took it down in Feb/March this year because apparently it was so big that it was causing probs for the software or something.
The admin people did promise to bring it back, but alas it has never reappeared. Maybe they got a lot of complaints ?
You could start another one if you have loads of jokes to start it off with, I was considering starting one myself as I was in the top 3 contributors to this now defunct thread, but dont contribute to the forum as much as I used to, so cant really be arsed.
Also, alot of jokes just got repeated time and time again which was just annoying ....

Anyway ...

If any members of the Chinese Government or Olympic Organisers are reading this, I would like to make this firm statement on behalf of myself and millions of other Britons: We dont give a fuck about Tibet. Now please get the womens Beach Volleyball started ...

If God didnt want us to eat animals, he wouldnt have made them out of food.

George W Bush is on his 134th state visit which makes him ... and I shit you not, the most internationally travelled President in US history. He must have an unquenchable thirst for international diplomacy. Well, either that, or hes a drugs mule ...

News reports today tell that British hospitals are 'plagued by vermin and pests'. Well, if we didnt give them asylum in the first place ...

Just remember, there are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shitheads ...

I just dont get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick ... but no cunt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they ...?
Chinese doesnt give a shit about Tibet. Blame it on those white people that protest things that dont concern them.

[Hemlock]

One for the UK Mobiles --

You're invited to a big family BBQ at a mansion in Shropshire. There'll be plenty of beer, but sadly, no Fosters!

lol, not heard that one dude !

Chinese doesnt give a shit about Tibet. Blame it on those white people that protest things that dont concern them.

Well, thanks for coming out to play, but probably best if you stick to window licking eh ...?

Anyway ...

The paralympics ended today in disgrace as one of the wheelchair competitors tested positive for WD40 ...

I was gutted when the Large Hadron Collider experiment failed, I was hoping that the DFS sale would actually end ...

Definition: Sexual harassment - the feminist words for 'flirting' ...

The 90 minutes or so, the teamwork, the scoring, the noise, the passion, the ecstasy, the intensity, the satisfaction after the end of it all ... I love gang rape.

My wife came to me and asked my advice on what she should wear out tonight. I told her, the carpet between the kitchen and the bedroom ...

I read that Simon Cowell is so wealthy that he spends £500,000 per year on his personal security. Wouldnt it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a cunt ...?

Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your prick ... particularly when you werent wearing one when you started.

The French government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision came the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Polish tourists ...

I dont want to perpetuate the stereotype of all Essex girls being dirty sluts, but a while back, I raped a girl from Romford, and afterwards she gave me her phone number ...

Whats the difference between a woman and a condom ? Its a lot easier to piss a woman off ...

[Stoink]

I lol'd

Do you make your jokes up yourself Hemlock or do you get them from somewhere?

[Hemlock]

No, they are not my jokes. They are just jokes that my mates have text me on my phone.

They probably have too much time on their hands ! Damn roofers, builders and scaffolders.

I dont contribute to the forum as often as I used to, particularly since the racist thread was deleted earlier this year (sorry if that offends you, or anyone else). But just post the best jokes that Ive received in the previous few weeks. Its like today, Ive quite a few jokes about the millionaire Fosters mansion blaze, but its kind of old news now, so didnt post them.

I know quite a few are from the likes of Billy Connelly (the funniest man alive), Roy Chubby Brown, Jethro and Jim Davidson as Ive seen the jokes in their videos and TV performances etc. if that helps ?

But no credit to me whatsoever and total respect for those who do write them. God really gave them a funny bone !

[HopeInHer]

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St Peter asks the first nun 'have you ever had contact with a penis ?' She replies 'I once touched one with my finger ...' St Peter tells her to dip her finger in the holy water behind him. He then asks the next nun and she replies 'I fondled one ...' He sayes 'put your hand in the holy water.' Suddenly theres a commotion and a nun pushes to the front of the queue. St Peter asks 'whats going on ?' The nun replies 'if Im going to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne sticks her arse in it !'

twisted and fantastic...

[ukgoon]

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. “Dad”, he says, “What’s the difference between ‘potentially’ & ‘realistically’?” Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says “Hmm, that’s a tough one; it’s probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she’d sleep with the milkman for £1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question”... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. “Dad, they both said for £1 million quid...? Definitely!!!” “Well son,” says the old man, “There’s your answer; potentially, we’re sitting on £2 million quid; realistically, we’re living with a pair of slags....”

[The_Arcane]

reading this thread must have been the funniest shit i´ve read on teh intarwebs in some time, keep it up :D

[Stoink]

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. “Dad”, he says, “What’s the difference between ‘potentially’ & ‘realistically’?” Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says “Hmm, that’s a tough one; it’s probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she’d sleep with the milkman for £1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question”... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. “Dad, they both said for £1 million quid...? Definitely!!!” “Well son,” says the old man, “There’s your answer; potentially, we’re sitting on £2 million quid; realistically, we’re living with a pair of slags....”
:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[joric]

Whats the only animal with a dick on its back?
A police horse :D

nice one. LOL

[Hemlock]

Two blokes sitting in a pub. One says to the other, 'I fucked your mum last night. We did everything. She sat on my face and rubbed her tits up and down my cock. She let me fuck her doggy style and even told me to give it to her in the arse. She finished me off by sucking my prick until I came in her mouth !' The other bloke replies ... 'Lets go home Dad, I think youve had enough to drink ...'

Been to the optician today, he told me I was colour blind. Fucking worried now that some of my mates are niggers ...

I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said 'Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in.' So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...

I love blind dates ... cos you can stare at their tits.

Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever ... I wonder where shes going ?

[Hemlock]

Quickie before I go to the pub ...

Three bodys turn up at the mortuary, all with smiles on their faces. Cop asks the coroner 'why are they all smiling ?' Coronor says '1st guy died of a heart attack shagging his wife, hence his smile. 2nd guy won the lottery, spent it all on fine whiskey and died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. 3rd guy was unusual ... Paddy, from Belfast, was struck by lightning !' Cop asks 'why the fuck was he smiling ?' Coronor replies 'silly twat thought he was having his photo taken !'

[ukgoon]

Dear Jonathan Ross. I`ve just shagged your daughter! Who`s laughing now.... Lots of love, Gary Glitter. x


Breaking News ... Gardener Sacked at the White House. It has been reported this morning that the Head Gardener at the White House has today been sacked. On protesting his innocence, he is reported as saying "honestly, I did nothing wrong. All I did was walk in to the Oval Office and ask if anyone had seen the spade".



Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut? Apparantly it happened as a result of a misunderstanding when Playboy Magazine offered Colleen £100,000 to shave her twat.


paralympic officials are reeling after several paralympian athletes have teated positive for using a banned substance .. WD-40..

[Ulio]

twisted and fantastic...

Yup that was pretty good one , not a fan of religious stuff but its alright at times.

[Hemlock]

A little bit of Monica on the floor ...

A little bit of Erica near that door ...

A little bit of Rita on her knees ...

A little bit of Jessica in the trees ...

(Mumbai No 5)

[Kikomann]

LOL! Guys can I tell black jokes? U know racist humour? Or only dead baby jokes? Like, what do you get when u put baby in the blender??? And erection!

[Hemlock]

A few quick ones ...

My new Muslim Girlfriend is always talking about 'blow jobs' ... Im not sure whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport ...

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez ... apparently they were after his naughty brother Dennis ...

My Grandma said to me, 'young men today just arent as polite and charming as they were when I was young ...' I had to explain to her, 'thats because they arent trying to fuck you now ...'

The temperature outside tonight is very much like John Travoltas family ... -1

And finally ...

As part of our marriage guidance, the counsellor has told me to come up with the top 10 reasons why my wife 'calls me lazy'.

Heres what I came up with ...

1.

[Hemlock]

Stumbled on this earlier and had to share it !

Amusing image regarding the Travolta tragedy (http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/70675/1231279357/JT.jpg)

[TriggerOfDemise]

What did the 1st clock said to the 2nd clock after the 2nd clock asked what time it was?






"Heyyy! WTF? clocks can't talk?!?"

[ukgoon]

My ex wife is deaf and she's left me for a deaf friend.... I suppose I should of seen the signs........



John Travolta has decided to make a film about his sons death and he's gonna call it Saturday Night Seizure...



Jill dando and her Husband had been arguing about what colour they should paint the front door , he said 'Green' but she was 'dead against it'



why did the jewish farmer kick his son in the balls for his 18th birthday ? he promised he would give him a couple of acers


Last night I shagged a girl with brittle bone disease, what a fucking little cracker she was....

How many recovering alcaholics does it take to change a light bulb only? only one but the light bulb has to want to change




In Scotland a man has been arrested for keeping a black woman in the boot of his car for 11 days, in his defence he said a weather man indicated heavy snow and advised keeping a spade in the boot....

[Edgecrusher]

My ex wife is deaf and she's left me for a deaf friend.... I suppose I should of seen the signs........



John Travolta has decided to make a film about his sons death and he's gonna call it Saturday Night Seizure...



Jill dando and her Husband had been arguing about what colour they should paint the front door , he said 'Green' but she was 'dead against it'



why did the jewish farmer kick his son in the balls for his 18th birthday ? he promised he would give him a couple of acers


Last night I shagged a girl with brittle bone disease, what a fucking little cracker she was....

How many recovering alcaholics does it take to change a light bulb only? only one but the light bulb has to want to change




In Scotland a man has been arrested for keeping a black woman in the boot of his car for 11 days, in his defence he said a weather man indicated heavy snow and advised keeping a spade in the boot....

You're not funny.

[Hemlock]

Well ... I guess you're funny. Forgive me, but Im not laughing. Maybe its you who's not funny ... brain the size of a rodents wedding tackle etc..

Anyway, I though they were f**king funny !

And, you just cant legislate for morons.

When you want a moron you just cant find one ... but then Edgecrusher comes along.

Tosser.

Ok ... here we go, a few from the last couple of weeks or so:

Come on, be honest, how many of you out there were only watching the inauguration to see if he got shot ...?

I dont know why all the Americans are so excited about having a black president ... Zimbabwe have had one for years and hes really shit ...

Christmas was great at the Travolta house. John got a PlayStation 3, his wife received an XBox 360, and his son had a Wii Fit ...

My wife said, 'When youre watching porn, do you think of me ?' I said, 'When youre eating a cake, do you think of shit ?'

Prince Harry: Hes just like me and you really. He uses words like 'paki' and 'raghead'. I wonder if hes got any good Princess Diana jokes ...

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

In bed, I touched my wife on the bum, but just got a repelling reply from her, 'dont touch what you cant afford.' So I said, 'Why ? Are you selling it by the ton now ?'