Zeeboe
01-09-2008, 07:28 PM
1. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. EVER.
2. Chuck Norris DOES NOT sleep...he waits.
3. Chuck Norris DOES NOT go hunting.....because "hunting" implies a chance of failure....Chuck Norris goes killing...
4. There is NO "ctrl" button on Chuck Norris's computer....Chuck Norris is ALWAYS in control.....
5. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open...
6. Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.
7. Chuck Norris is suing "My Space" for taking the name of what he calls everything around you...
8. A handicap parking sign does not signify that the spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning sign...that the parking space belongs to Chuck Norris...and that YOU will be handicapped if you park there.
9. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
10. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
11. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
13. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
14. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up...he's pushing the earth down.
18. Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
20. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
21. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a "Delta Force" marathon on Satellite television.
22. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
23. The leading causes of death in the United States are:
1. Heart disease.
2. Chuck Norris.
3. Cancer.
24. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
25. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
26. There is no such thing as "crippled people". Only people who have pissed off Chuck Norris.
27. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
28. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably...
29. There are no steroids in baseball. Only players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
30. Chuck Norris has sex with men, not because he's gay...but because he's run out of women.
31. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's butter.
32. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
34. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
35. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Chuck Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
36. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
37. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
38. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris.....HE finds YOU!
39. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
40. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 2,387.
41. Stephen Hawking once tried to prove that there was a human being tougher than Chuck Norris. That was the last time he walked...
42. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents everytime he listens to a song.
43. Rather then being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
44. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
45. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.....Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes...EVER.
46. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice.
47. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry...the man once ate a fucking jeep.
48. Chuck Norris's blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks and fighter jets.
49. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was still flying over the Pacific Ocean.
50. If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money then you do.
51. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. Only another fist.
52. The only person to ever survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick was Christopher Reeve.
53. Chuck Norris once went to Burger King, ordered a Big Mac and got one.
54. They once tried to carve Chuck Norris's face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
55. Chuck Norris has two speeds...walk...and kill.
56. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
57. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
58. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
59. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
60. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
61. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
62. God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris DOES NOT sleep...he waits.
3. Chuck Norris DOES NOT go hunting.....because "hunting" implies a chance of failure....Chuck Norris goes killing...
4. There is NO "ctrl" button on Chuck Norris's computer....Chuck Norris is ALWAYS in control.....
5. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open...
6. Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.
7. Chuck Norris is suing "My Space" for taking the name of what he calls everything around you...
8. A handicap parking sign does not signify that the spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning sign...that the parking space belongs to Chuck Norris...and that YOU will be handicapped if you park there.
9. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
10. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
11. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
13. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
14. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up...he's pushing the earth down.
18. Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
20. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
21. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a "Delta Force" marathon on Satellite television.
22. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
23. The leading causes of death in the United States are:
1. Heart disease.
2. Chuck Norris.
3. Cancer.
24. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
25. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
26. There is no such thing as "crippled people". Only people who have pissed off Chuck Norris.
27. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
28. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably...
29. There are no steroids in baseball. Only players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
30. Chuck Norris has sex with men, not because he's gay...but because he's run out of women.
31. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's butter.
32. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
34. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
35. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Chuck Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
36. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
37. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
38. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris.....HE finds YOU!
39. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
40. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 2,387.
41. Stephen Hawking once tried to prove that there was a human being tougher than Chuck Norris. That was the last time he walked...
42. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents everytime he listens to a song.
43. Rather then being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
44. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
45. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.....Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes...EVER.
46. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice.
47. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry...the man once ate a fucking jeep.
48. Chuck Norris's blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks and fighter jets.
49. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was still flying over the Pacific Ocean.
50. If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money then you do.
51. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. Only another fist.
52. The only person to ever survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick was Christopher Reeve.
53. Chuck Norris once went to Burger King, ordered a Big Mac and got one.
54. They once tried to carve Chuck Norris's face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
55. Chuck Norris has two speeds...walk...and kill.
56. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
57. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
58. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
59. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
60. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
61. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
62. God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.