All Jokes Here.

[gUy]

KEEP ALL THE FUCKING ONE JOKES IN HERE. STOP MAKING NEW THREADS. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS THE JOKES FOURM GOT CRAPPY.

Three men are captured my cannibals. 1 German, 1 French, and 1 Amercian. the chief said, "Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, then you can go."

The German says, "I want a pillow strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.

The French say, "I want 2 pillows strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillo gave out and the French walked off limping.

The chief says to the Amercian, "Since you are from a great country, I shall give you 2 wishes." The Amercian says, "Thank you. For my first wish, I want not 30 lashes, but 100 lashes." The chief says, "Not only you come from a great country, you are noble to, what is your last wish?" The Amercian replys, "Strap the frenchman to my back."

[Eminem]

that was great guy. i laughed. rep for you







One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building
materials for his home.

She read. "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think
the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said excitedly, "I know! I
know! He said, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

[gUy]

i'm pretty sure you guys have heard this before, but whatever.

Seamus was badly burned at the fire at the bar, and his two friends, Patrick and Myers were called to the morgue to identify the burnt body. Patrick goes in first and says, "He's burnt pretty bad, might be him. Turn him over." So the doctor turns him and Patrick replys, "It's not him."

Myers was called in and says, "He's burnt pretty bad, might be him. Turn him over." So the doctor turns him and Myers says, "It's not him." The doctor is amazed and calls both of em together and says, "How do you know its not Seamus?" Patrick replys, "He has to arseholes. Every time the three of us walk in a bar, the bartender yells out, 'ITS SEAMUS AND HIS TWO ARSEWHOLES!'"

edit: more i found this one here. \/

A man walks in to a bar, seething with rage.
He asks the barman for a large whisky & knocks it back, then demands a refill, and necks that one too.

The barman asks, "Without meaning to interfere, are you having a bad day?"

"Bad day! Too right, I've just found out my wife is cheating on me with a younger man! I could kill her I'm so mad!"

"Calm Down!" whispers the barman, "There's no need for YOU to kill her, have a chat with Arty over there, he'll knock any one for a pound!"

The man walks over to Arty, tell him the story and pays his pound.
Arty asks "How will I recognise her?"

"Well," says the man, "every Thursday she goes to Sainsbury's and does the weekly shop, she always wears her Burberry Scarf & purple hat."

Thursday comes along, Arty is outside Sainsbury's as planned, out walks a woman wearing the Burberry scarf & a purple hat.
Without hesitation Arty runs up to her, and stranglers her until she is dead.
Then, just as he was about to run away, out comes a second woman wearing the same Burberry scarf & purple hat.
Arty thinks to himself "Well he did pay me a pound to off his wife, I'd best make sure I do the job proper", and with that he runs over to the second woman and strangles her too.

The next minute the security men come running in, having seen the kafuffle on the CCTV, they restrain Arty until the police arrive to take him away.
The next day the event was all over the newspapers...
.... "Arty-chokes two for a pound at Sainsbury's"

[flipineagle09]

KEEP ALL THE FUCKING ONE JOKES IN HERE. STOP MAKING NEW THREADS. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS THE JOKES FOURM GOT CRAPPY.

Three men are captured my cannibals. 1 German, 1 French, and 1 Amercian. the chief said, "Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, then you can go."

The German says, "I want a pillow strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.

The French say, "I want 2 pillows strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillo gave out and the French walked off limping.

The chief says to the Amercian, "Since you are from a great country, I shall give you 2 wishes." The Amercian says, "Thank you. For my first wish, I want not 30 lashes, but 100 lashes." The chief says, "Not only you come from a great country, you are noble to, what is your last wish?" The Amercian replys, "Strap the frenchman to my back."
^thats funny!

[Eminem]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!"

[gUy]

lil jonny jokes. cant get enough of em

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered, "An apple."

The teacher replied, "No, Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

"Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."

Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.

"Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it has a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[gUy]

another one. i might post more tomorrow

So these students are in a classroom and the teacher says "Im gonna go along the alphabet and you give me a word for each letter". So they start and for A everyone is raising their hand, but little Sisqo in the back is jumping up and down and she says, "Im not gonna call on little Sisqo he has a dirty mouth, he'll say something like ass" . So she calls on tommy and he says Apple,, very good. Same thing for B little Sisqo jumping up and down, but she doesnt call on him. Then finally they get to R and everyone has had a turn, except little Sisqo so she says "He has a dirty mouth hes gonna say something like......" then she thinks that there is no bad words that start with R so she is all reasured so she calls on him. "Ok little Sisqo give me a word for R" and little Sisqo says "A rat, A BIG MOTHA FUCKING RAT"

[Jay-Z]

A guy is in a bar and yells out, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A second guy stands up and yells, "I take offense to that buddy!"

The guy says, "What are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

[Eminem]

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch...
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me....
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl...)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl's clothes off.)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees!!!
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!!

[Volcom]

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch...
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me....
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl...)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl's clothes off.)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees!!!
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!!

ahh thats to funny..

[achegeefender]

KEEP ALL THE FUCKING ONE JOKES IN HERE. STOP MAKING NEW THREADS. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS THE JOKES FOURM GOT CRAPPY.

Why, I wouldn't want to be seeking high and low through this thread just to find a new joke. I think there should be a new thread for every joke. Its just a lot easier that way.

[JaCk-MeOpH]

there r 3 blondes sitting the a bar. one is 4rm russia the other 2 r 4rm america. the russian blonde said we were the frist one's 2 go 2 outer space. the american blonde said well we where the frist one's 2 land on the moon. the third blonde said and we will be the frist one's 2 go 2 the sun. the 2 other blonde's looked at each other and said what? you can't go 2 the sun it is 2 hot. the blonde replied don t worry we will go a night!!

[Splatter]

KEEP ALL THE FUCKING ONE JOKES IN HERE. STOP MAKING NEW THREADS. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS THE JOKES FOURM GOT CRAPPY.

Oh I get it.The jokes and humor forum should be only one thred.?!?
Thanks for clearing that up.I can see it getting better by the minute.
:confused:

[gUy]

there r 3 blondes sitting the a bar. one is 4rm russia the other 2 r 4rm america. the russian blonde said we were the frist one's 2 go 2 outer space. the american blonde said well we where the frist one's 2 land on the moon. the third blonde said and we will be the frist one's 2 go 2 the sun. the 2 other blonde's looked at each other and said what? you can't go 2 the sun it is 2 hot. the blonde replied don t worry we will go a night!!


holy shit, ive felt as if some just crapped out letters in my eyes.

3 guys are walking along when suddenly, Satan appers. Satan says, "I have 3 dicks right now, you must touch it, and if you make it melt, you get to go to hell." So the first guy comes along does his thing, dick melts, he goes to hell. The second guys does his thing, dick melts, he goes to hell too. When the third guy does his thing, the dick does not melt. Satan is baffled and utters, "WHAT? how can my dick not melt?" the third guy sharply responds, "Melts in your mouth, not in your hands."

[Nexon]

Heres four for now

A Straight guy goes into a bar and two steps in he realizes its a gay bar, but he thinks "what the heck, I want a drink" so he goes to the bar and the bartender asks "whats the name of your penis" the guy says "I dont wanna talk about that" the bartender gets angry and says "you gotta have a name to get a drink, so he looks over to his left and sees two gay guys shareing a margarita and asks them the name of there penis, the first guy says "Ford, Good Shape and for Quality" the second guy says "Chevy, Like a rock" So the Straight guy turns to the bartender and says "I got a name!" the bartender says "what is it?" the straight guy says "Secret" The bartender in question says " What does that mean?" the Straight guy says " Strong enough for a man but made for a woman"

A guy in the hospital was taking a series of tests and had a personality of making false alarm trips to the bathroom, he then one day had a big diarrhea on his sheets, he then paniced and jumped up and curled the sheets to a ball and hucked them out the window, there was a drugadict who was walking around the property when the sheets fell on to him and started waving his arms, yelling and cursing until the sheets were at his feet, a security gaurd who watched the incident asked "what the fuck just happened" the drugadict replied "I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

On the firstday of Grade 1 the teacher calls out " Okay class, this is grade 1 we dont talk baby talk anymore then changes the topic to know what everyone did on their summer vacation, she points to little suzie and she says "I rode on a choo-choo" No, we dont speak baby talk anymore, then points to little billy and he says "I saw the fisheis with my mommy" the teacher getting angry points to joe and he says "I went to see winnie the shit"

One morning a family wakes up and the dad goes to have a shower, his kid asks "can I come in with you?" the dad says "ok, just don`t look down" the kid then looks down and asks "Whats that?" the dad says "Thats my ummmmm van" then the kids mom gets in the shower and the kid asks "can I come in with you" the mom says "ok, dont look up or down" he then looks up and asks "what are those" the mom says "those are my ummmmm mountains" then he looks down and asks "whats that" the mom says "ummmm thats my ummm garage" Later at night the mom and dad are having sex and the kid barges in and asks "I had a nightmare, can I sleep with you? the dad says "ok, just dont look under the covers" he then looks under the covers and yells "daddy, turn your headlights on your goin into mommy`s garage!"

[Volcom]

One morning a family wakes up and the dad goes to have a shower, his kid asks "can I come in with you?" the dad says "ok, just don`t look down" the kid then looks down and asks "Whats that?" the dad says "Thats my ummmmm van" then the kids mom gets in the shower and the kid asks "can I come in with you" the mom says "ok, dont look up or down" he then looks up and asks "what are those" the mom says "those are my ummmmm mountains" then he looks down and asks "whats that" the mom says "ummmm thats my ummm garage" Later at night the mom and dad are having sex and the kid barges in and asks "I had a nightmare, can I sleep with you? the dad says "ok, just dont look under the covers" he then looks under the covers and yells "daddy, turn your headlights on your goin into mommy`s garage!"
u screwed that joke up

[Nexon]

u screwed that joke up

I heard that one about two years ago so I only put in what I remembered.
and added sme things I thought were right.

[coolestme]

This is suppose to be the worlds funniest joke. i am sure u guys heard it before


two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Killer-Medic]

funny but not the greatest... rep anyways :D

[Eminem]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[deagle crazy]

wanna hear somthing dirty?
rolling around in mud
wanna hear somthing clean?
having a bath while blowing bubbles
wanna hear somthin dirty?
bubbels is the guy next door

[achegeefender]

wanna hear somthing dirty?
rolling around in mud
wanna hear somthing clean?
having a bath while blowing bubbles
wanna hear somthin dirty?
bubbels is the guy next door
At first i was :mad: then i was :confused: for a second then i was :D .

[Bigheaded Chief]

One morning a family wakes up and the dad goes to have a shower, his kid asks "can I come in with you?" the dad says "ok, just don`t look down" the kid then looks down and asks "Whats that?" the dad says "Thats my ummmmm van" then the kids mom gets in the shower and the kid asks "can I come in with you" the mom says "ok, dont look up or down" he then looks up and asks "what are those" the mom says "those are my ummmmm mountains" then he looks down and asks "whats that" the mom says "ummmm thats my ummm garage" Later at night the mom and dad are having sex and the kid barges in and asks "I had a nightmare, can I sleep with you? the dad says "ok, just dont look under the covers" he then looks under the covers and yells "daddy, turn your headlights on your goin into mommy`s garage!"i posted that one maybe a month ago

[coolestme]

~Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[ferrari_fan]

A priest and a rabbi have been living together for a few years and they're gathered enough money to but a car. they bought a car for $3000 and placed it in their garage. The next moring, the rabbi goes tot he garage and take the car for a spin but sees the priest pouring water over the car.

The rabbi asks, "What da hell r u doing?"

The priest replies, "Im baptizing the car."

So then after the priest finishes baptizing it the rabbi gets a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the hood of the car.

[James Bond 007]

What do you call a fat goth????????

Vampire the buffet slayer.

[James Bond 007]

A man walks into a pub to get summat to eat, he looks around and sees a board on the wall saying

Menu

Ham salad sandwich - £2
Salmon sandwich - £3.50
Hand Job - £10

He looks across the bar at the barmaid and asks "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" She says "Yes" to which the guy replies "Well go and wash your hands and make me a ham salad butty".

[coolestme]

Another joke which i though was funny ....

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[PsiRedEye22]

Another joke which i though was funny ....

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

I have never heard that before, and it was great. Reps. :D :D :D

[Thurst]

You might of heard it ...but...meh...

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”
The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”
''951.”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”

[VietExpression]

LOL that was good!

[gUy]

Another joke which i though was funny ....

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

You bastard, you got that from Crockadile Dundee(sp?) in LA. he was saying a guy wheels in a barral of manure in a wheelbarrow full of manure. you kno0w the rest.

[Rockafeller312]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boyeverything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy....2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[James Bond 007]

Two girls have been out in town for the night gettin pissed; they were on their way home when they both decide they need a piss so they nip into the cemetery to relieve themselves. When shes finished the first woman takes off her knickers and uses them to wipe her clout, she then throws them into the bushes, however the other girl is wearin an expensive pair so she doesnt want to do that so she picks up a ribbon off a grave, wipes herself and then they both go home.
The following day their husbands are talkin and one of them says to the other "I think we should keep a close eye on our wives, last night my wife came home wearing no knickers."
The second guy replies "Thats nothin, my wife came home with a card stuck to her snatch saying We will never forget you."

Havent heard that joke in ages so if its a bit wrong I appologise. :)

[JROC]

One day while the two boys were hanging out together the little black boy says to the white boy "hey, my daddy just bought a brand new caddilac and when he presses on the horn it goes HONKEY!
That's cool says the little white boy..."my dad just bought a new chain saw and when he fires that thing up it goes "run nigga nigga niggga nigga nigga"
He he he...

[JROC]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck in his pants.
The bartender leans over the bar and says "hey buddy, I notice you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants, what's the deal?"
The pirate looks down and replies " I know matey and it's drivin' me nuts!"

[Devastation]

I guess since I just had a beer, I find that kind of funny

[Awesome Andrew]

Your mama is like a hockey player, she doesn't change her pads for 3 periods. :D

[Roland]

Nice one awesome andrew, im gona have to use that :D

[JaCk-MeOpH]

there is a bus load of ugly people then the bus crashes into a building and all the ugly people go to haven. when they are at the gates of god. god at the gate feels sorry for the people so he decides to give them each i Wish. so the people formed a line and the first lady says "i would like to know how it would feel it to be pretty. so he grants her wish. the next guy asks to Be handsome so he grants him the wish. so this goes on for about 10 people then the last guy starts laughing but god does not mind it. after the next 10 people ask to be pretty god notices that the guy in the back has tears in his eyes from laughing so hard but god looks away after the last 10 people asking to be pretty the guy is rolling on the floor laughing so god says "i have been whacting you cracking up back there so what is your wish" the guy stops laughing and says " i wish for all the people in front of me to be ugly again"

[Senor_Queso]

A guy walks into a bar to get some drinks before he calls it a night. He notices a huge jar of money that the bartender is paying very close attention to. He asks what the money is for. "A challenge," replies the bartender. He asks what the challenge is. The bartender replies, "Knock out the bouncer, fuck that fat lady over there, and give the dog downstairs a rabies shot and I'll give this jar to you." "Hell no," replies the man. He forgets about it and has a few more beers. Completely smashed, he realizes he doesn't have enough money for the taxi ride home. He asks the bartender what he has to do for the jar. He knocks out the bouncer and goes downstairs, not coming back for a full 20 minutes. The bartender hears yelping the whole time, and when the man comes back up, he's zipping up his pants. He walks over to the bartender and asks, "Now where's that woman you wanted me to give a rabies shot?"

[Mr_Bubbleman]

lol thats sick


Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland
on Business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway
he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a
assortment of Human Skulls.

"What are you doing?" asked the American.

"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St.
Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916
rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland...God bless his soul.."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.
People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a
fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his
retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made
him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw
the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

"Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St.
Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916
rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland...God bless his soul.."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's Correct!" said the Irishman.

"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull
a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the
skull was St. Patrick."

"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is
St. Patrick when he was a Boy......!!"

[Mr McIrish]

I got a good one...

An old couple have been married for nearly 40 years now,and it is only a week until their anniversary. Like every couple, there are some problems. The man wakes up every morning, and farts loud enough to tear the bed sheets. One day they have an argument, and the subject shifts to his habits, and the wife screams out in anger "One of these days you are going to fart your guts out!"
As the wife has been trying to stop this for 30 years now, she thinks to herself that she is going to have one last attempt to kill off this habit before their anniversary. She wakes up an hour early one morning, takes the giblets out of the turkey in the freezer for their anniversary dinner, and place them in the mans pants very discreetly, trying not to wake him up. As she makes a cup of coffe, she hears a fart loud enough to kill a cat, followed by a scream. 5 minutes later the man comes down, pale as a ghost and shaking, and the wife asks him what is wrong. He says "You were right honey, i did fart my guts out, but by the grace of god and these two fingers i managed to push them back in!"

[Wild Phoenix]

I heard that this was one of the funniest jokes in america (I'm not american so I wouldnt know :D jk) It's pretty much for more mature people than most of us in here so im not sure if everyone would like it.

A middle aged man was at the golf course on a sunny day, followed by his caddy, just relaxing. On the 18th hole, they both notice a funeral near by, where they were lowering the casket in the ground. The caddy sees the middle aged man take off his hat and put it to his chest, closes his eyes and lowers his head in prayer. The caddy says "Wow, that's really deep" and the man says "Well, we've been married for 36 years now, it's the least I could do."

Yeah I know, I didn't laugh either.

[Darkness]

One morning a family wakes up and the dad goes to have a shower, his kid asks "can I come in with you?" the dad says "ok, just don`t look down" the kid then looks down and asks "Whats that?" the dad says "Thats my ummmmm van" then the kids mom gets in the shower and the kid asks "can I come in with you" the mom says "ok, dont look up or down" he then looks up and asks "what are those" the mom says "those are my ummmmm mountains" then he looks down and asks "whats that" the mom says "ummmm thats my ummm garage" Later at night the mom and dad are having sex and the kid barges in and asks "I had a nightmare, can I sleep with you? the dad says "ok, just dont look under the covers" he then looks under the covers and yells "daddy, turn your headlights on your goin into mommy`s garage!"

I herd it differently, for me it was:
mom+up=headlights
mom+down=garden
dad+down=snake
then when he looks under the sheets he yells "Mommy turn on your headlights, daddy's snake's going up your garden!" :lol:

[rvdVit]

Your mama is like a hockey player, she doesn't change her pads for 3 periods. :D



AUGH that's some NASTY shit


((((RING))))
**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Frank"


"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey? " he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! "

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? "

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it,
he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? . . . Is this 555-7039?

[truthful]

There was this blonde and she suspected her boyfriend of cheating. So one day she leaves him alone in their apartment and she goes and buys a gun from the local pawn shop. She returns home and finds out that here assumtions were true. She shots the other girl and points the gun at her head and says to her boyfriend dont worry your next.


There was this blonde driving down the road and all the sudden she sees a tree in front of her so she swirves to the right and another is infront of her so she swirves left and another one is infront of her so finally she swirves right into a ditch. When a officer arrives at the scen he asks what had happened and she says officer I was driving and I kept having trees in front of me so I swirved to avoid them. the offer goes to check out the scene and returns only to say that she had mistaken a tree for her peppermint tree air freshener.