One-Liners

[heidelicious]

* Marriage - is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

* A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

* Hate is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.

* People never say, "It's only a game", when they're winning.

[BlueQuarter]

See:

Mitch Hedberg

[kubo76]

How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.

[proton]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[Mattjam]

Proton is one clever motherfucker.

[raven99]

if we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

if evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

[joric]

* Marriage - is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

* A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

* Hate is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.

* People never say, "It's only a game", when they're winning.

Quite educational.

[blueeddie]

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

[proton]

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

[blueeddie]

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

[MattyB]

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

[blueeddie]

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

[Josh122]

That's what she said..

[blueeddie]

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

[Devastation]

Your inferiority complex is better than mine.

[proton]

Don't sweat the petti things and don't pet the sweating things.

[Shaster]

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Yesterday it worked, today it doesnt. Microsoft Windows is like that.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness!

A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Avoid hangovers by staying drunk.

Exercise and diet... but you still die.

Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

Save a tree, kill a beaver.

Statistics are used by people who have no proof.

Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet"

The funny thing about common sense is that it's not very common.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember

[proton]

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

[Squeezymo]

Flying is easy, just throw yourself at the ground and miss

[jamesgregory]

Flying is easy, just throw yourself at the ground and miss

This one's nice! ;)

[proton]

Flying is easy, just throw yourself at the ground and miss

Nice quote. I think I shall get this book. (http://www.illiterarty.com/files/www.illiterarty.com/img/197/so_long_and_thanks_for_all.jpeg)

[SmokedYaNerd]

See:

Mitch Hedberg

You know what i like about escalators, they dont break they just become stairs.

That would be cool if you live with a monster, you'd never get hickups.

[proton]

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[Squeezymo]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to also.

[pantomime]

Mitch Hedberg! The king of one-liners.

[poot]

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

[IGneois]

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."
"People read me but they don't subscribe."
"I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm."
"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

[Ulio]

don't teaze me bro !

[cocacolacowboy]

if at first you don't succeed ... maybe parachuting isn't for you.

Rice is good. when you're hungry and you want 1000 of something.

if at first you don't succeed, maybe russian roulette isn't your game.

Yo momma so dumb , she plays russian roulette with a glock .

I order the club sandwich and I'm not even a member.

[.P.F.X.]

why is abbreviate such a long word?

[kubo76]

I've never smoked marijuana in my life, because I get really sleepy afterwards...

[MaltLiquor]

Life's a bitch, fuck her.

[karyl]

I don't get mad, I get even.

[proton]

Revenge is a dish best served cold.



KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!!!!

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!!!!

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!!!!

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!!!!

[kubo76]

Q. What's the difference between a good joke and this?
A. Everything.

[proton]

don't taze me bro !

fixed.

Confucious say, man who go to bed with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.

[Lunacy182]

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

[Amadeus]

fixed.

Confucious say, man who go to bed with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.

Confucius say: Don't taze me, bro!

[SoSlick]

Remember the golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules.

Sex is like nose picking. It's fine as long as you do it yourself, but it's disgusting watching someone else doing it.

[Amadeus]

Sex is like nose picking. It's fine as long as you do it yourself, but it's disgusting watching someone else doing it.[/COLOR]

The Business Of Smut: What Is It Worth?
Adult Video: $500 million to $1.8 billion
Internet: $1 billion
Pay-Per-View: $128 million
Magazines: $1 billion
Total: $2.6 billion to $3.9 billion


All the people who watch porn tend to disagree.

http://www.forbes.com/2001/05/25/0524porn.html

[heidelicious]

Life's a bitch, fuck her.

No one's virgin anymore. Life screwed us all.