family guy quotes! [Archive] - eBaum's World Forum

netsurfer

08-20-2004, 03:50 AM

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Quagmire: Hey there Gorgeous, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18?
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I Like where this is goin'!

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris: Thanks.

Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.

Krack

08-20-2004, 05:30 PM

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Peter: Hey, anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.

The Stranger

08-20-2004, 05:34 PM

(after catching Brian masturbating)

Peter: Was he just-
Lois: Yes.
Peter: Should we rub his nose it in?

turdlicous

08-20-2004, 05:37 PM

peter:so your saying i should sleep wit fat woman 2 get money
quagmire:yeah fatwomen need loving 2...but they gotta pay :D

Nexon

08-20-2004, 07:45 PM

Few of my faves
(Meg walks in the door)
Meg: *Crying*
Lois: Whats the matter sweetheart?
Meg: Its my big stupid purse
Peter: (taking the purse from megs hands) Ok you bastard,what did you do to my daughter

Peter: I call this country petoria!
Peter: I was gonna call it Peterland but that gay bar down at the airport took it.

(Peter walks in the door)
Lois: Did you take care of that "thing?"
Peter: The growth? Oh yea I got it looked at
(Scene where peter is with doctor naked)
Peter: Whats that growth there
Doctor: Thats your penis.
Peter: Oh, Then what about the--
Doctor: Testicles
Peter: Oh.

Old Lady: (spits) what is this snot soup?!
Brian: Tomato Bisque
Old Lady: (spits) what is this spit soup?!
Brian: Tomato Bisque
Old Lady: (spits) what is this diarrhea soup?!
Brian: Tomato Bisque
Old Lady: (spits) what is this mucus soup?!
Brian: Thats it you old hag! Just eat it cause Im not making anything else
Old Lady: Fine, I`ll call the judge and you`ll go to jail and youll be getting a human booster shot from a man named Molly!

Quagmire: Hey Im a Pole in the strip club! alright!
(Fire Bell Rings)
Quagmire: Show time
(Firemen go down the pole)
Quagmire: Oh ooh ah Ee Ow ooh aw

Peter: Im flying Im flying
Peter (on a plane): I`ll have a diet sprite

Thats all for now

Nerdcraft

08-20-2004, 07:54 PM

http://www.familyguyquotes.com/

ZeroTigerX

08-21-2004, 12:42 AM

Peter: "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made."
Peter: "You better be careful of who you call a child, Louis. Cause you know what that makes you? A petifile!"

Dual

08-21-2004, 02:33 AM

Stewie: "Right. It'd probably get lost amongst the pin-ups of Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise and...blast! Who the devil do teenagers like these days? Morgan Freeman...."

ferrari_fan

08-21-2004, 12:27 PM

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to say the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Peter: I do....................you bastard.

Chris: Im scared. What if the hurricane will sneak up on me and give me a visectimy?

Neil Goldman's mom: You should see Mort's dating tape he was so charming.
Mort Goldman (on tape): Ow, can you turn down the lights a little its burning my retinas. Ladies, im a very desperate man, I have very low standards and I live with my mother. (Sneezes) O MY GOD THERES BLOOD IN MY MUCUS!

Peter (drunk): Hey wheres that Peter Griffin guy, he said he'd give me 100 bucks if i took off all my clothes off.

Chris (on the phone): Good evening, Stevenson's residence.
Lois (on phone): chris we've been over this its pronounced Griffin.

Brian: So how was the shower, Peter?
Peter: O its terrible, and the rumours about the soap are true. You cant hold it to save your life.
Prisoners: Hey thats the guy who couldnt hold the soap. That was a classic.

Man in chicken costume: The whole world is going to end tonight, Y2K.
Peter: Y2K? Are you selling me chicken or sex jelly?

Stewie: I say these are egg whites only. Are you trying to ive me a bloody heart attack? (Throws plate on floor) Make it again!

Peter's voice on tape: Please leave the lights off Lois, I dont want to be seen.
Lois: I imagined you would after the way youve been acting a while ago.
Peter's voice on tape: I thought you might say something like that.
Lois: Anyways, Ive convined Meg to go to the dance.
Peter's voice on tape: Please dont yell Lois Ive learned my lesson!
Lois: But I wasnt-
Peter's voice on tape: O you would happen to bring that up Lois, Cant you leave the past where it belongs.
Lois: Peter what's gotten into you-
Peter's voice on tape: Because Ive already said it was a scavenger hunt.
Lois: (pulls over bed sheets and see pillows and voice recorder) What the-
Peter's voice on tape: Lois if you still havent discovered Im gone please flip the tape over to side B.

CHSDrummer

08-21-2004, 01:02 PM

(At AA meeting)

Attendant: Sir may i please have your name?
Peter: (thinking) Oh crap i better not give him my real name.... Hmm lets see (looks around the room) P...... ok that lady is crying..... tear..... hey look at that griffin up there..... PETER GRIFFIN!! CRAP!

CowKillaMooMan

08-21-2004, 02:30 PM

I hope this isn't taken.

'Peter at disco' 'in blindfold, starts swinging at the disco ball' 'breaks ball' 'takes a piece of the broken ball' "OW crafty mexicans and their glass candy...." 'mouth starts to bleed' 'music stops'

steakii420

08-21-2004, 06:06 PM

Man1: U put your seed in my daughters belly
man2: im sorry pa,
Man: If u were not my brother id kill u.

Peter: Chris isnt exactally the smartest kid in the world (smacks cris on the back of the head)
Chris: HEY!!
Peter: He did it (points to the lamp)
Chris startes wrestling the lamp
Chris: DAD DAD HELP ME!!
Peter: see

not sure if this one is exact but

Brain walks into the room, the guys start to laugh.
Brian: o u told them you caught me playing with my self.
Peter: no we were laughing at a joke by (some comidean i forgot)
Brain: o great
The black guy(i forgot his name): dont worry about it every one does it
Quagmire: its ok buddy i remeber the 1st time i got cought.
(flash back)
Mrs. Quagmire: Well is it a boy or a girl.
Docotor: Well mrs. Quagmire, according to the ultra sound it a boy and hes O MY GOD,(bouncing starts and docotor faints)

Raine

08-21-2004, 11:54 PM

*Can't Thouch This music starts playing*

"Just like the Bad Guy, in Leathal Weapon II
I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue

Can't touch me!"

:D

Peter: Hey, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phonebook.

Peter: Lois, my penis belongs on stage!

Peter: I didn't even fart until I was 30.
(Flash back, Peter hears a farting sound)
Peter: What the hell was that?

Peter: If I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is ...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite bed-time story is ...
Brian: Goodnight Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is ...
Brian: Stan Thompson.

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois: Nothing.

And my favorite of all time...

Peter: Oh no. I gotta fart, but I don't know which way to lean.

w00tbot47

08-22-2004, 11:45 PM

Peter was in Knight training(wearing a suit of armor), and the Black Knight's girl goes by
Guy 1:*Ding*
Guy 2:*Ding*
Peter:*Ding*
Mort Goldman:...ding!

G-Prime975

08-23-2004, 03:01 AM

Chris: I found my baby book! Hey...here's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois: And the resulting lawsuit that bought us this house. (kisses Chris) You're my favourite mistake.
Chris: You see Meg, I'm the favourite!

Kookyman1314

08-23-2004, 09:55 PM

Peter Griffin : I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer : And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

[the family is relocated to a small house in the South]
Meg Griffin : Eww, we're going to be living here?
Lois Griffin : Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: I can't believe you ordered a pie for an appetizer!
Peter Griffin : It's okay, I'm gonna go to the John and fire one out in about five minutes. That should make room for dinner.

Peter Griffin : Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin : Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin : [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
[imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin : Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin : [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin : Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin : Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarass me.

Peter Griffin : [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin : Cool! I get to be black AND Irish.
Meg Griffin : Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.

Stewie Griffin : Hey! Look at this
[bow tie spins in a circle]
Stewie Griffin : Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee!
[pulls out a cigar]
Stewie Griffin : Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!

Peter Griffin : [Peter's letter to Fox about "Coach", hyphens around the sections that get deleted by TippEx] if you don't put 'coach' back on the air i'll -be really upset. the s- kill -ful acting of- craig t. nelson -will be missed a lot- signed peter griffin

Meg Griffin : Oh no! I'm missing the news!
Peter Griffin : We all miss The News, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we need to be patient.

Peter Griffin : [doing the laundry] Hey, where's my sock? Hey!
[crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia]
Goat Man : Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr. Tumnus.
Peter Griffin : Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!

Cult Leader : Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin : [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West : What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin : Can't Touch me.
Cleveland : I believe it's the worm.
Peter Griffin : [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

DragnMastr

08-24-2004, 03:27 AM

Stewie and Brian and Brians mothers funeral.

Brian: Say something.
Stewie: Like what?
Brian: I don't know just say something!
Stewie: Umm, I never knew her as a dog, but I knew her as a table. She was a fine table, very sturdy, all four legs the same length...

I don't remember after that.

Stewie crying because he found out his favorite TV program wasn't real

Brian: You want some ice cream?
Stewie shakes his head
Brian: You want to go to McDonalds?
Stewie shakes his head
Brian: You want to go take a dump in Mother Maggies shoes?
Stewie nods his head
Brian: Ok, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggies shoes.

gUy

08-24-2004, 03:44 AM

Peter: Hey Brian, theres a message in my cereal, it says OOOOOOOOO
Brian: Peter those are Cheerios.

madadder

08-24-2004, 04:02 AM

When Peter goes in to try out for Lois' play
Peter:I tried many things before I decided to act, I did art. 'Do I...Do I have to draw the penis?' I did sculpting. 'Do I...Do I have to sculpt the penis?' And then I tried music. 'Do I...Do I have to conduct with my penis?' :D

skizz0r

08-24-2004, 04:21 AM

Peter: Hey, whats bug juice made out of?
Brian: Uh, bugs?
Peter: No....Come on......shut up.

Nexon

08-25-2004, 09:54 AM

I noticed how some people are bein ignorant and not caring that some of the qoutes they post were taken. but heres a few more anyway

(Megs working at the Flappy Jacks)

Meg (Sadly): This is the first time hes eaten anything besides dog food.
Old Lady: Your little baby?, but your just a baby yourself,
Old Lady: Here (Looking at her husband), Give the little skank a tip
(Puts $20 on table)
Meg: Wow 20 bucks!

(In British Bar When the Drunken Clam Explodes)
Cleveland: The only British I know is that Fag means cigarette
Peter (Pointing at British Guy): Well someone better tell this Cigarette to shut the hell up.

(Peters Talking to Chris About Spying on girls)
Peter: Its perfectly normal, even Mr. Rogers Does it
(Flashback of Mr Rogers looking out at window of girl stripping)

My Personal Favourites...

Chris (on the phone): Hey, Whatcha doing
Chris (on the phone): What are you wearing
Lois: Chris, who you talking to
Chris (on the phone): Grandma.

(Lois goes down to basement)
Lois: Peter what are you doing?
Peter (Sitting in front of dryer): the new season of Friends, the one where Megs Trousers has an affair on Chris`s Underwear for Stewies Shirt

(Chris and Brian sitting in Child Protection)
Chris: Brian, this were babies come from?
(Girl Runs out with babie)
Brian: Yes
Chris (yelling at lois): YOU SAID I CAME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!

_Phantom_

08-25-2004, 11:59 AM

The one in my sig =\

NDIrish048

08-25-2004, 03:59 PM

(at the foster care place)

Chris: so this is where babies come from?
Brian: yes Chris this is where babies come from
Chris:(taps Lois on shoulder) You told me I came out of your vagina!

netsurfer

08-25-2004, 11:21 PM

Peter: Hey Brian, theres a message in my cereal, it says OOOOOOOOO
Brian: Peter those are Cheerios.

I already posted that, read my first post.. in this thread

ferrari_fan

08-26-2004, 06:44 PM

Peter: I dont believe this, why do I have to pay this bill.
Brian: Its a shame youre not dying.
Peter: Brian, thats it, they cant make a dead guy pay his bills. Where it says name ill write deceased, and where it says sex, ill write, "no thanks I'm dead". Its bulletproof.

Peter: Hey, where did you get that?
Death: This form was emailed to me by your HMO.
Peter: Look, I know my doctor was hitting on me but it doesnt mean you have to call him names.

Lois: Stewie, dont play with Death.
Death: Its alright, I like him, I just hope his teenage years go better than mine, talk about akward.
(Flashes back to make-out creek outside of the car)
Death: Oh Sandy!
Sandy: Oh death!
Death: Oh Sandy, ohhhhhhhhhh! (car stops shaking) Sandy? O not again! Im gonna be a virgin forever....................or am I? (car resumes shaking)

(Peter is in a plane)
Pilot's voice from speaker: Okay if you look towards your left of the plane you can see the place where my brother Gary makes a nice living directing porn.

_Phantom_

08-26-2004, 06:52 PM

( When the street gets together to build a raft for the parade )

Brian: " Wow, it's amazing how you got all these people to work toether Peter."
Peter: " What's REALLY amazing is...I havn't brushed my teeth in 3 days and NOONE has said a thing."

Devastation

08-26-2004, 06:54 PM

Peter: It doesn't matter where we come from, just as long as we're all the same religion.

_Phantom_

08-26-2004, 06:59 PM

Surprise noone has posted this, and someone has sorry

(Peter at a Sculping class and the figure is a nude male.)

Peter: Am I..Am I Suppose to draw the penis?

(Peter at a Sculping class and the figure is a nude male.)

Peter: Am I...Am I suppose to sculp the penis?

(Peter at a music class)

Peter: Am I....Am I suppose to conduct with my penis?

Grimace

08-26-2004, 07:12 PM

It's funnier when you actually see it in the cartoon :rolleyes:

p.o.d

08-26-2004, 07:15 PM

Episode where peter and meg hit satellite.

Stewie:I am alomost done with my weather pattern connection(pushes stormy weather)

stewie:finnaly (falls of roof) shit shit shit shit damnit!!!!

Massimo

08-26-2004, 07:17 PM

Peter: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

Peter: And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Stewie (picking his nose): Does this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you're talkin' to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Peter: Wait wait wait wait a second, you're tellin me that I came all the way to kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the colonal isn't even workin today?!?

ferrari_fan

08-27-2004, 05:09 PM

(Cop pulls over Peter for speeding)
Cop: Hey, youre that black guy arent you?
Peter:Yeah.
Cop: (Talking into walkie-talkie) Im gonna need additional support here.
Peter: Huh?
Cop: Hes got a gun.
Peter: No I dont.
Cop: Officer down!(falls down and cop cars pursuit Peter)

Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever invents the greatest toy wins a bonus.
Chris: Hey dad, why dont you invent the frisbee? Thats an awesome toy.
Meg: They already invented it.
Chris: Then how come Ive never heard of it?

Peter: wGat am I supposed to do with all my great ideas, put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause thats what soap is for, Lois.

DEFinition

08-27-2004, 07:10 PM

Not sure if these are the exact words:

(whilst playing pictionary)

Man: Jackal, jackal, is it a jackal? Jackal, jackal it looks like a jackal, is it a jackal?

(times up)

Stewie: For God's sake man if it wasnt right the first time you said it why the hell would it b right the next 10 times?

HaLo_CrAzY

08-28-2004, 05:44 PM

When they got the mansion:

Stewie: You there cut my eggs.
Butler:Your eggs are cut.
Stewie:Now cut my milk.
Butler:Sir, I cant cut it, its liquid.
Stewie: IMBICILE! Freeze it, then cut it! Is that SO hard!
*Butler walks away..*
Stewie points at 2 butlers.
Stewie:You 2, fight to the death!
Butlers start fighting...

Breakfast at the Griffen house...

Lois:Here are your eggs sweety.(talking to stewie.)
Stewie:What the hell is this!? I said EGG WHITES only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack!?
*Smashes Dishes on the wall.*
Stewie:MAKE IT AGAIN!

steelscout

08-29-2004, 07:06 PM

Hope it hasn't been posted:

Brian: "Is there anything on this remote lower than mute?"
:D

hendrixfan13

09-12-2004, 12:52 AM

Jesus: and now, for my next trick, i will turn water, into.....FUNK!!!

Stewie: (after hearing a joke) Ok Ok, I got one, ok so there are these two guys at the pearly gates, oh im so bad at this(laughing) uhhh uhhh, well it turns out they were siegfred and roy. hahaha(nobody laughing)

Peter(after house burns down): What the hell did you do???
Brian: What the hell did i do, who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher for there household?
Peter: I'll tell you who, someone who cares enough about comedy to put there family safety into risk

Peter after killing chicken: (in office building, bloody with a dead chicken next to him) Chicken...gave me a ...(gasping)bad coupon.

Peter: Heres your paycheck Frank.
Frank: Get out of my sight.(peter leaves)

Peter: God he's such a badass.
Guy#1: Oh yeah? well that badass just gave half his paycheck to kids, kids with diseases.

Peter(telling a joke): Ok ok heres another one, why do women have boobs...*long pause*....so you got something to look at when your staring at them.(all the men laugh)
Woman: are you guys telling jokes?? I like jokes.
Peter: Ok Ok Ok, why do women have boobs....waits a while....so you got somethin to look at when your talking to them....*woman stands open mouthed*.....so you got somethin to look at when your talkin to them hehehehe

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

TheDawgPound72

09-13-2004, 12:11 AM

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh since I said, 'Come.'

theViBe

09-14-2004, 02:22 AM

in warner bro's executive office when naming the rabbit
CEO: Okay, who's for Bugs Bunny? (all but griifin puts his hand up)

(sigh) and who's for effron the retarded rabbit? (griffin puts up his hand)

funny stuff

TDK12345

09-14-2004, 03:14 AM

2 random guys at softball game:

1:You want some bubblegum?
2:Sure.
1:Haha, that was trick gum.
2:What do you mean?
1:Now you're addicted to heroin.
Then they both laugh

Also at softball game when Peter finds out that his neighbor is in a wheelchair:

Peter:Holy crip he's a crapple!

Trickee

09-14-2004, 02:56 PM

chick at quagmires: "I have a question for you: What do you do for a living?"
quagmire: "Hey I have a question for you too: Why are you still here?"

Stewie: *plinks a banjo* "Ooh, I feel so deliciously white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet!"

west495

09-25-2004, 06:41 PM

well... i dont know if it is already posted, cause im to lazy to read all of them but here it is

Chris: " hey dad, you know what i just realized? your name is Peter, hahaha"
Peter: haha yeah ur right it is

skeen

09-26-2004, 12:43 AM

GO BROWNS!
<Chris> Brown is the color of poop

ddrsoccerdude

09-26-2004, 12:49 AM

Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the blang-blang.
-Chris Griffin

blade_700

09-30-2004, 08:15 PM

heres some. srry about it being old i had to put one in and srry if these are reapeats.

stewie becomes a cheer leader.

quagmire:dear diery, jackpot!

Stewie gets adopted

All: Peter, Quagmire, Joe, Lowis, Cleveland, Joe, Peter, Lowis, Quagmire, Quagmire.

Laretta:Hm-hm!

Cleveland: Larreta

Counsaler: I have a question, what do you do for a living?

Quagmire: I have a question too, why are you still here?

peteria

Stewie: If you find a skeliton with a linking-log jammed in the back of his head, i didn't do it but i need the linking-log back.

kiss concert

Peter: stay away from the candy tree.

Tree: hes right to warn you I feed on children.

Chris become a Jew

Peter: Wow alot of famus people are Jews Steven Speilberg, Optamis Prime..

Stewies birthday

Brian: Shes a whiney little runt isnt she?

Lowis: Gasp

Brian: I said runt

Chris: they even have games in the bathroom, i won a balloon.

Peter: All I got the works a cake and the bigass pinata.

Brian: I sure hope candy comes out of that thing.

Meg isnt accepted into a collage.

Meg: Im just gonna wait in my room till i die!!

Stewie: i'll be up in 5 minutes.

peters flash back of the musieum

Peter: why did the dinosaurs die out

Tourguide: because you touch yourseft at night.

lowis has a hit on her

Peter: There are times when my appitite got the best of me

He slowly eats a chip while hiding with Jews.Cronch!!the Jews Gasp and Nazis kick down the door.

troutflosser

09-30-2004, 11:48 PM

Peter: I know all about this, i read about it in a book once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book, are you sure it wasnt NOTHING

*peter falls through the stairs* "Hey meg, I O CRAP IM STUCK IN THE STAIRS"

*brian slams against closed car window, knocking himself out*
peter: brian? briiiiiian? helloooooo? wakey wakey sleepyhead...

*Peter walks into the criminal lineup* hey, has anyone seen my son chris girffen, hey i might have a picture of him, here you can keep it, he skrewed it up by writing his class schedule and a list of his fears on the back of it.

callmejulio

10-03-2004, 06:41 PM

I'm not sure what the words are, but its the whole letter that stewie writes to brian when he leaves for europe.

Also, "Ok, I got one, how many dirty stinkin apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb. Three, one dirty stinkin ape to screw in the lightbulb and two dirty stinkin apes to throw their feces at each other.

ddrsoccerdude

10-03-2004, 06:48 PM

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin : Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin : Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin : You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin : A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin : ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Sybexia

10-04-2004, 05:16 PM

This is one of my favs

Chris: Grandpas ears remind me of pussywillows

Lois: Chris thats such a horrible word...pussywillow

spydermonkie

10-04-2004, 05:20 PM

Stewie: and the weird little british girl : The life of the wife shall be ended by the knife....that episode came on last night.

Baby J

10-04-2004, 08:07 PM

don't know if these have been posted but i'm not up for looking

(from smoking episode)
Cigarettes killed my father, and raped my mother!

According to recent polls, air is good

(from Stewie goes to Jolly Farm)
Street Vendor: We've got amarican movies like, Dude, my car is not where I parked it, but thank Allah we are not hurt.

Brian to German Tour guide (i don't remmember the exact wording):There's nothing in this guide from 1939-1944
Tour guide: NOTHING HAPENED! EVERYBODY WAS ON VACATION!
Brian: You can't just ignore 4 years of history, you invaded Poland
Tour guide: We where invited! Punch was served! Ask the Poles!!

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin : Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin : Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin : You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin : A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin : ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

found it.

Nexon

10-05-2004, 02:45 AM

(at the foster care place)

Chris: so this is where babies come from?
Brian: yes Chris this is where babies come from
Chris:(taps Lois on shoulder) You told me I came out of your vagina!

I posted that one

fazial5k

06-29-2005, 01:44 AM

ONE OF MY FAVORITES:

Guy on Airplane: "Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby."
Stewie: "What did you just say?"
Lois: "Stewie, stop fussing."
Stewie: "Pipe down Lois." (Slaps guy on head) "Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, your my bitch."

Solid Snake

06-29-2005, 01:46 AM

You didn't have to resurrect this thread. There's a fresh one here.
http://forum.ebaumsworld.com/showthread.php?t=78353

RussianPride24

06-29-2005, 02:04 AM

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin : [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West : What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin : Can't Touch me.
Cleveland : I believe it's the worm.
Peter Griffin : [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

What episode is that from? I wanna see that!

bobooh17

06-29-2005, 01:04 PM

its from the episode where he forms his own country called petoria.

and I would post my favorite quotes but they have been posted already...most of these are classic.

twiztid one

07-04-2005, 05:06 AM

What episode is that from? I wanna see that!

thats the episode when peter gets his own country...yeah the actual dance he does is hilarious...

Jimothy51

07-05-2005, 01:04 PM

I'm doing this from memory.
Salesman: Hello sir
Peter: Enough with the foreplay, now what are you sellin
Salesman: Well, I was going to try to sell you some handsome cream, but I see you already bought out the whole store.
Peter: Go on
Salesman: So perhaps you will be interested in something no house can be without...volcano insurance.
Peter: Go on
Salesman: According to my uncle who is a real whiz with volcanoes, a volcano is coming this way.
Peter: *thinking to himself* hmmmm, I too have an uncle. Come in.

paint52baller

07-06-2005, 01:48 AM

peter on the way to a womans retreat: I will be charlie and you will all be my angels, (points to fat woman) except you, you can be bosley.

twiztid one

07-13-2005, 01:44 AM

peteris the quhaoug clam swimin 2 shore......

brian:hmm so thats wat peterspenis looks like

Ænema

07-13-2005, 10:18 AM

Jeppeto: You know, Pinnochio, did you steal a cookie from the jar?
Pinnochio: Yes, i did.
Jeppeto: It's ok if you didn't I'll believe you.
Pinnochio: But I did, I would never lie to you.

Shiggedyswa

07-19-2005, 11:33 PM

I can't remember exactily

Stewie: So Brian how's that novel you've been working on. The one you've been working on for about three years. ............

You would only understand it if you've seen the episode.

Shiggedyswa

07-19-2005, 11:37 PM

Trisha Takinawa: I am heeeeeeeere outside the _________ Hotel because asians arn't aloud inside.

Shiggedyswa

07-19-2005, 11:47 PM

(The house is a huge mess there are things everywhere. Stewie crawls infront of the couch with his diaper trailing behind him.)

Stewie: Agggggg I havent eaten for four days because i can't hold and more in my diaper.

MiKe

07-19-2005, 11:53 PM

(Stewie interviewing potential babysitter)
Stewie: Yeah, I know the application didn't say no Portuguese....but....um......no Portuguese.

Shiggedyswa

07-19-2005, 11:55 PM

(Evil monkey pops his head out of the closet and points at chris)

Chris: I am not in the mood right now.

(Evil monkey goes back in the closet.)

Stewie: (after seeing brian cross dress) I am going to go in the hall and throw up because something.... not related to you....

Peter: Awwww look at him. I could have been a great mother. ( Peter picks up stewie and has him "breast" feed. then stewie wakes up and almost throws up.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Shiggedyswa

07-20-2005, 12:01 AM

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectufl than that."
Stewie: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah...now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

Stewie: Oh damn! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead.

Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.