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SublmnL
08-22-2009, 01:32 AM
Basic Weapons For Kids
Posted at: 2009-06-27 18:00:50
Original ad:
summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org

Hello,

I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

Thanks,

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

-Donna

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job.
SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious.

I am not interested. Thanks.

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle.

If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pussies, let me know.

SSG Partlow




Source: http://dontevenreply.com

SublmnL
08-22-2009, 01:33 AM
The Plumber That Can't
Posted at: 2009-07-21 09:40:44
Original ad:
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call
From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org
Hello,

Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life.

I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge.

Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended)

Thanks,

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

you must be out of your fucking mind.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing.

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no.

you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Well I just thought that was implied with "I do plumbing." I didn't realize it meant that you didn't take jobs that you are too scared to do.

I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife's engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50.

I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you.

Are you going to help me now or what?

From ivan ******* to Me

Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn't even a hard job, so I don't know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I'd ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona.

Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I'll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit.

From ivan ******* to Me
gee i wonder why your wife took your kids...FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!!

MerchantIvory
08-22-2009, 09:02 PM
good stuff

MerchantIvory
08-22-2009, 09:56 PM
Original ad:
i need a miracle. looking for ticket to phish @ jones beach for friday june 5th. please!
From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org at 1:30 PM JUN 08 2009

Hello,

I have an extra ticket for Phish at Jones Beach on June 5th that I will sell to you for $60. Let me know if you want it.

Mike

From ********@yahoo.com to Me

why the fuck would i want that the show already happened.

From Mike Anderson to ********@yahoo.com

Well why did you put the ad up then? I just thought you wanted the ticket stub for nostalgic value since the show was so fucking good.

From ********@yahoo.com to Me

I PUT THE AD UP ON JUNE 3 DUMBASS BEFORE THE SHOW HAPPPENED. A LOT OF FUCKING GOOD IT DID I MISSED THE SHOW CMON MAN $60 FOR A STUB ARE YOU NUTS

From Mike Anderson to ********@yahoo.com

So I guess you don't want the stub?

If you want, for $60 I can come to your house and play a clip of the show I taped on my cell phone. It is 30 seconds of trey jamming out during Split Open and Melt. You can't really see anything but a bunch of lights and you can't really hear anything either, but a true phan would appreciate it.

From ********@yahoo.com to Me

MAN YOU ARE AN IDIOT STOP TRYING TO SELL ME YOUR WORTHLESS SHIT

square eyes
08-24-2009, 12:25 AM
Plot hole. 6 months leave but desperate for a job.

Armanio
08-24-2009, 12:30 AM
PSHH that first mom was a pussy. I started firing .22`s when I was five.

jacson333
09-16-2009, 08:07 PM
what kind of client would want his plumber to swim into the septic tank? :lmao: he must be insane.
and for that babysitter thing, i would most probably agree on having him as my babysitter than having teenagers sit for my child. at least i know that sgt can protect my children better. :rollseyes