Lame jokes kick ass

[west495]

I love lame jokes, so post them here

what red and looks like a bucket?
a red bucket!!!! lol

whats brown and sticky?
a stick!!!!!! hahaha

[Devastation]

Two peanuts are walking down a dark alley. One's a salted.

[GrammarFocus]

Lame jokes rule, shame I don't know any :shuffle:

[Jagang]

Since when is a stick sticky?

[Nelo Angelo]

Which english word is always pronounced wrong?

[Devastation]

Which english word is always pronounced wrong?

uhhh, "wrong?"

[J0e.]

What did the one penis say to the other penis?
European.

[ddrsoccerdude]

Why did the trumpet play put his trumpet in the freezer?



So he could play cooooooooool music!!!!

This semi-retarted kid told us that and it was awsome.

[BlinkingViki]

Did you hear about the light bulb convention?
They had watts and watts of fun.

:thud:

What's Irish, sits out in the sun all day, and still remains white?
Pati O'Furniture

[candlestickjack]

Did you hear about the guy who lost a tire off of his car?
He was wheely, wheely mad.

[west495]

a Mom tomatoe, a dad tomatoe, and a baby tomatoe are walkin down the road, the baby tomatoe is falling behind and the dad is geting angry, goese behind the baby, steps on him and says " ketchup"


if u didnt get the joke, ketchup sounds like catch up!!!

[Roland]

two muffins where in a oven

one say "crap its hot in here:

the other says.....HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Scud]

This is a good (lame) one to say at someone you're pissed off at.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face?

[Philhouse]

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how the hell do you drive this thing?!"

[S10000]

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how the hell do you drive this thing?!"

Holy shit. You owe me a new keyboard. I fucking spit soda all over it.

[123man]

Holy shit. You owe me a new keyboard. I fucking spit soda all over it.

This was as funny as the fish/tank joke that you ruined your keyborad because of! :lol:

Did you hear the one about the jump rope?

Skip it.

(Not very good, but it's all I had.)

[S10000]

A fireman runs into a schoolbuilding holding a screw-driver. He yells, "This is not a drill!"

[Zooch]

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how the hell do you drive this thing?!"

Holy shit I just wet myself, that was the greatest joke ever. You also know what's funny? I threw away my "100 corny jokes" book just yesterday!

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

[Kusanagi]

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who go sideways through revolving glass door at airport going to Bangkok.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

[DeftonesBoy]

You also know what's funny? I threw away my "100 corny jokes" book just yesterday!


Haha! That's a good one, did you get that out of your "100 corny jokes" book? :lol: I keed I keeed.

[candlestickjack]

K, this is for the guys.
Do you all know that game where you ask "what's the capital of thailand?" and then you say Bangkok and you sack them. Well you say a bunch of those, like "what's the capital of california?" "SACramento". I forget the other ones, but after a few, they start guarding their balls, and you pull out the "Name a country in Europe" and you say "EYE-erland!" and you poke them in the eye! lol, sounds funnier in person, when you actually do it.

[skeen]

Why did they have to call off the lepers hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

[DJ-Z]

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how the hell do you drive this thing?!"


LOL!!! i pissed myself. The BEST!! one i ever heard.

HAHAHA!!

[-=H[u]lio=-]

Why did the person cross the road???
Because there was a green light!!!!!!!!!

ROFL

[p.o.d]

What's gay and starts with a W?

Yup you got it,it's west495

[DeftonesBoy]

How do you know when someone is a retard.

Their name spells "dop" reversed.

fatass.

[rebel at birth]

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor????

Wheres my tractor??? HAHAHHAHAHHA
i love that one

[-=H[u]lio=-]

Who is cool and has a name starting with -=H[u]lio=-?

-=H[u]lio=- U DUMBASS, who did you think it was

[f1 racer]

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

Longest Lame Joke:

A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,” Grandmother, how old are you"? She replied, "You shouldn't ask me questions like that, you rude boy". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weigh"? The grandmother replied, "You shouldn't ask me questions like that, that's also rude"!

The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the conversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her driver’s license, all the information will be there.

The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,” You weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy, with a grin, whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".

[EvilMann]

y is 6 afraid of 7?
because 789!!!!

oh thats the shit

[tard]

How do you catch an elephant?

Little know fact is that elephants love peas. So what you do is dig a hole, well, big enough for and elephant. You fill it up with ashes, and put some peas in the middle. When the elephant bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

I actually told this to a girl in a bar the other night, and she stopped talking to me. :insane:

[Devastation]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

[Philhouse]

What did the leper say while riding his bike?

Look mum, no hands!

[Zooch]

How do you piss off Whinney the Pooh?
Stick a finger in his honry

(think about it)

[west495]

i have got to say, as the creater of this thread, i am very happy with the turn out, it is my second one i have ever made, and it was top of the list in jokes and humor for a small piece of time, thanx for posting your jokes here, and feel free to post some more

[slope_style]

What should you do if you break a toe.

Call the Toe-Truck :D hhaha get it TOW-TRUCK haha

[Scud]

What was Piglet looking in the toliet for?

Pooh

What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?

Hell if I know.

[yad4u]

a sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Devastation]

This guy walks into a bar and says "ouch"

[callmejulio]

What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

A nurse goes to the doctor and says "a patient in the waiting room is claiming that he is invisible." The doctor says "Tell him I can't see him right now" :icon_rofl

[S10000]

What did one fat girl say to the other fat girl?

Who cares? They're fat.


What did the deaf, blind, crippled boy get for christmas?

Cancer.


Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is one badass motha fucka

[Danner]

Did u hear about the pirate with a steering wheel on his crouch???

"ARRRRRGGGHH....It drives me NUTS"

[dark lotus]

lame jokes do kick ass :lol: :lol: :lol:

[west495]

lame jokes do kick ass :lol: :lol: :lol:
haha you bet they do

[tard]

What did one fat girl say to the other fat girl?

Who cares? They're fat.


We have a winnar. :icon_rofl

[poopchow]

Why do elephants go swimming?

Because they have trunks...sorry i fucked it up.


A man walks into a bar.......ouch.

[Dontdropthesoad]

A boy with a wooden eye didn't want to go to his school dance because he thought the would make fun of his eye. His mother finally talks him into it he goes and can't find anyone to dance with. Then he sees a beautiful girl standing alone but he notices that she has a large nose. So he gets up his courage and says " Would you like to dance?" she happily exclaims "Would I!" and the boy quickly shouts "Big Nose Big Nose Big Nose!"

[Machavelli]

what do you call cheese thats not yours?

nacho cheese :)

[PlasticMan2112]

What do you get when you cross a bee with a ghost?

A boo-bee!

What did the mushroom girl say to the mushroom boy?

You're a fun-gi!

What do you get when you cross an old person with a cane?

An old person with a cane!

[paINTbaLLA472]

What do you get when you cross a bee with a ghost?

A boo-bee!

What did the mushroom girl say to the mushroom boy?

You're a fun-gi!

What do you get when you cross an old person with a cane?

An old person with a cane!

wow, right when this thread is about to die, you revive it!!! keep it dead, lames jokes are....lame!!

[DeftonesBoy]

Who asked you anyways, bitch?

[shaqazoolu]

There is this little boy and he is about to turn 10. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a ping pong ball. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a ping pong ball. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong ball any more.

So he is about to turn 13 now. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a pack of ping pong ball. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a pack of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

So he is about to turn 16. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a box of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a box of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

So he is turning 18 now. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a 5 gallon bucket of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a 5 gallon bucket of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

Now he is turning 21. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a dump truck full of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a dump truck full of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

A couple years later, his son gets in a terrible car accident and is hospitalized. So his dad is by his side and all, and he says to his son.....Son, I have to know one thing, WHAT in the world did you do with all those ping pong balls!??!?!?! His son looks up, and he says....Dad, I ........and then he died. :) :banghead:

[ZX-6RR]

Two sandwhiches walk into a bar. One say "I want a beer". The waitress says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Hardy fucking har.

[123man]

Really long, pointless jokes aren't really in the spirit of this thread. All they do is waste time. I've heards similar ones before told be people and after they've been told people generally just stare at the person and are pissed for having their time wasted. I gave each of you a neg rep. Sorry, I feel strongly about it.

[Baneofevil3]

This family's pit bull is really sick, so they take it to the vet, and the vet examines the dog, comes out holding it and says "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put your dog down." The family asks "Why?" and the vet says "Because he's too heavy!'

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A BAYGULL!! PUAHAHAHA.....imagine the bird actually turning into a bagel and falling out of the sky....Heh....

Hold out your hand to someone, and say "Friends?" and when their about to shake your hand, pull it back, and say "GET SOME!!"

I can't think of any more right now.... But I'll be back.

[Got comedy?]

Gun control means using both hands :bang:



HARDY HAR HAR

[shaqazoolu]

Really long, pointless jokes aren't really in the spirit of this thread. All they do is waste time. I've heards similar ones before told be people and after they've been told people generally just stare at the person and are pissed for having their time wasted. I gave each of you a neg rep. Sorry, I feel strongly about it.
Thanks.....can't take a joke i guess....pun intended....the fact that it wastes your time makes the joke stupid and that is the spirit of the thread. :insane: Sorry for robbing you of 30 seconds....

[vimm]

POPSICLE JOKES!!!


what did the bug say when the guy stepped on the bug?



nothing, bugs cant talk.




what dog can jump higher than a biulding?



any dog, biuldings cant jump.

[Baneofevil3]

I just remembered another one...

When is a car not a car?






When it turns into the driveway.

[123man]

Thanks.....can't take a joke i guess....pun intended....the fact that it wastes your time makes the joke stupid and that is the spirit of the thread. :insane: Sorry for robbing you of 30 seconds....


If a joke sucks or has no point and it's one line, no big deal. If a joke sucks or has no point that is 378 words long, then, to me at least, it's a different story. And I think there is a big difference between your long pointless joke and everyone else's short tongue-in-cheek, or taking words literally, or playing on words, etc type jokes.

[jagger04]

Since when is a stick sticky?

because what is stickyer than a stick... it is sticky

[usefulidiot316]

If a joke sucks or has no point and it's one line, no big deal. If a joke sucks or has no point that is 378 words long, then, to me at least, it's a different story. And I think there is a big difference between your long pointless joke and everyone else's short tongue-in-cheek, or taking words literally, or playing on words, etc type jokes.

Stop over thinking it, they're just dumb jokes, did you actually come to this thread thinking that if you read a long joke in a lame joke thread that it would be good?

[Philhouse]

"My wife's just gone on holiday to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she actually chose to go."

[Devastation]

What do you call a guy with eight legs, fifteen arms and six eyes?

Well I don't know, I was asking you.

[paINTbaLLA472]

whats white with black spots and says moo?

cows!

[qopanna16]

These are the lamest jokes ever. They're from a book i've had since i was like 5. I just couldn't resist.

How do you make a hotdog stand? -Take away its chair.

What do you call a baby whale? -A little squirt.

Why do bees hum? -Cause they forgot the words.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? -Cause you never see rabbits wearing glasses.

How do you keep a bull from charging? -Take away its credit card.

What has 4 legs and a trunk? -A mouse going on vacation.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut butter sandwich? - An elephant that sticks tothe roof of your mouth or a peanut butter sandwich that never forgets.

What kind of coat can't keep you warm? -A coat of paint.

Why did the chicken cross the road twice? She was a double-crosser.

Why did Joe tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? -He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Why should you never tell a secret near a clock? -Because time will tell.

What does an attorney wear when he appears in court? -A lawsuit.

What did one library book say to the other? -"Can I take you out?"

[west495]

ok i got another one for you all
whay do ducks have flat feet?
to stomp out forest fires!
why do elephants have flat feet?
to stomp out burning ducks!!!!!!

[ChronoKilla]

ok i got another one for you all
whay do ducks have flat feet?
to stomp out forest fires!
why do elephants have flat feet?
to stomp out burning ducks!!!!!!


i dont know why, but those were funny as hell :icon_rofl

Knock, Knock......Who's there?
Little Boy Blue
Litttle Boy Blue who?
Micheal Jackson!!!!!

[Black/White man]

How did the flicked piece of paper get across the room?

Because it got flicked. :icon_rofl

[Devastation]

Why should you never tell a secret near a clock? -Because time will tell.

Why should you never tell a secret in a cornfield? - Because the stalks have ears.

[DarknessFreeze]

:icon_rofl I Got A Joke Better Than ALL OF URS
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road????



To Get To The Other Side :lol: :lol: :icon_rofl

[Seraphina]

Why couldnt the fish make a phone call?

There was another fish on the line. :insane: :icon_rofl

[xcoldsteelx]

What did the sea say to the seashore?!?!?!? Nothing, it just waved.

[James Bond 007]

What was Piglet looking in the toliet for?

pooh

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!:icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl

It kinda reminds me of:

Why did Spock have his head down the toilet??? He was looking for the captain's log.

Why should you never fuck a pig??? Because they will always squeal on you.

What do you call a fat goth???? Vampire the Buffet slayer.

Whats pink and hard???? A pig with a switch blade.

Whats a 6.9???? A 69er interrupted by a period.

[gUy]

what did 50 cent say when his krew gave him a sweater for his birthday?



gee, you KNIT?!

[still_l3allin]

your momma's so fat she got hit by a semi, and said " who threw that rock "

i was laughing so hard when i 1st heard that 1 lol

[Devastation]

What was Helen Keller's dog's name?

Mwaaaaahhhhh!!

[joka]

an ugly guy slipped on a piece of paper on his carpet what happened?

he got a splinter from plush :confused:

[The Wat Now]

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

What did the apple say to the orange? Apples don't talk

[James Bond 007]

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."



Fantastic LO fuckin L!!!!! :icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl :icon_rofl

reps. :)

[fwipit]

two muffins where in a oven

one say "crap its hot in here:

the other says.....HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

that was actually funny... in a stupid way

[Ownage_Factor]

what's the difference between neal armstrong and michael jackson?

answer: neal armstrong was the first man on the moon and michael jackson fucks little boys

[Wild Phoenix]

what's the difference between neal armstrong and michael jackson?
(answer at bottom)





answer: neal armstrong was the first man on the moon and michael jackson fucks little boys
OMG GOLD! :lol:

[thortonbb]

Why did the turkey cross the road

It was screwing the chicken

[fwipit]

what did the fat guy say to the other fat guy?

im fat

[paINTbaLLA472]

what did one leg of a girl say to the other leg of the girl???






between you and me, we can make a lot of money! :icon_rofl

[blandspicez]

I laugh at jokes very much because they are happy and make me fun times!
Here is joke I make myself! Why so big is Russia? Because it is snowy and cold? Get it? Snowy? Such happy funny times!

Umm....why?

[Black/White man]

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.

[KiLLeR07]

If you throw a pumpkin in the air, what comes down?
-Squash

What is the biggest ant?
-An elephant

What is the longest shortest word?
-Abbreviation

What is the biggest baseball team?
-The giants

Haha out of a book I've had since I was like 5...^^

[Black/White man]

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt

[shaqazoolu]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt
HOLY CRAP!!...no pun intended.....dude, this does not belong in the lame joke thread. That was one of the funniest jokes i ever heard!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :D :D

[Bolverk]

I didn't have time to go through the thread, but hears a couple of my favorite lame joke...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing
several applicants demonstrate their crap skills, he had decided to call it
a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there
to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You
have no arms!" No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began
striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the
carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally
found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to
strike the bell, the armless man plunged headlong out of the belfry
window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
and when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly
replied, "But his face rings a bell"...

and

Not sure if this is in here, but I'll type it out for ya.



A Pirate walks into a bar, he has a wooden peg for a leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye.

He sits down a tthe bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks, "sheesh mate, how did you lose your leg?"

The Pirate replies," Arr, Lost me leg to a shark in the water."

"Ahh I see!" Says the bartender, " and the hand?"

The Pirate takes a swig of ale and says," Arr, lost me hand in a sword fight eh."

"Ahh, seen that happen before," The bartender says, "and the eye mate? How'd you lose that?"

"Arg, a blasted seagull SHAT in my eye!" The Pirate says.

"A seagull shat in your eye? I wouldn't think you could lose an eye from that ..." The bartender says.

"Arr!!, was me first day with the hook!!" The pirate says.

[usefulidiot316]

What is a pirates favorite car? A Cutlas
How did the pirate quit smoking? He died.
Where do pirates love to eat? AARRRRGGHHbees.

[Philhouse]

What's a pirates favourite food? AARRGGGGHbananas

[usefulidiot316]

What's a pirates favorite movie? Anything played on a projectARGH. Only PG, nothing ARGH

some guy: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Pirate: P
some guy: Why P?
Pirate: ARGH, I been drinkin too much

[Kwigz]

A spring onion died in the garden. When they buried him, there was a large turnip at the funeral......

[ChronoKilla]

What did the pirate say to the lady? AARRRRHG blow me down me-mate--eee!!!!!!

[Black/White man]

Why can't skeletons play church music? They don't have any organs

What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today? Probably screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin

What's brown and sticky? A stick

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car

Where do kings keep their armies?
In their sleevies

[Thors Hammer]

what do you call a herd of masturbating cattle -

beef stroganoff

[Black/White man]

# What kind of milk makes you blink? Past eur ized

# What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands.

# How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.

[scott_man_25]

Q:How do you get a draft into a refridgerator?

A:Open the fridge, put in the draft, close the fridge.


Q:How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

A:Open the fridge, take out the draft, put in the elephant, close the fridge.


Q:If all the animals on earth were invited to a huge party who would not be there?

A:The elephant: hes still in the fridge.


Q:If, on your way to the party you had to cross a man-eating-crocodile infested river how would you do it?

A:Just swim accross normally. The crocodiles are at the party.


Q:If, at the party, you had to get by 10 man-eating-lions that havent eaten in 10 years, how would you do it?

A:Just walk by. If a lion hasn't eaten in 10 years it would be dead.



AND ON A TOTALLY UNRELATED SUBJECT...

Q: What did the mexical firefighter call his 2 sons?

A: Hose A and Hose B

[MrDeliquent85]

A bin truck is driving down the street with bags and rubbish hanging out the back. There are two pieces of sick near the edge and one is crying.
The other says to him "whats wrong"
he reply's "this was where i was brought up"

Why did the pervert cross the road ?
He was stuck up the chickens arse.

How do you get 1000 ethiopians into a telephone booth ?
Throw a tin of beans in.

How do you get them ^^ back out?
Run past with a tin opener.

How do you get 1000 Jews into a taxi ?
Tell them Hitlers coming.

How do you get them back ^^ back out ?
Tell them Hitlers driving.

[scotch6]

Prepare for the worst joke in history....


What do you call a Mexican with rubber toes?

Roberto.

[MrDeliquent85]

what about this
what do you call a mexican who has had his car stolen ?

Carlos

[Frostdaddy]

What starts with "F" and ends with a "UCK"?




You ready?





I know what you're thinking.




ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?









A fire truck.

[west495]

how do u kill 100 fly's in one shot?, smack and ethiopian kid in the face with a frying pan.

sorry that wasnt very good

[PunKMonKeY]

Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes


-----------------------------------


Why are the chinese so good with pets?

because they can wok the dog


------------------------------------


What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Two more bullets.


------------------------------------


What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?

Well hung.


-----------------------------------


What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids don't eat broccoli!


-----------------------------------


What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

----------------------------------


How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped his ass with the wrong hand!!


----------------------------------


What did the deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.


-----------------------------------

[Philhouse]

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?

It's ass.
I think a better version of that joke is:

What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's head before she died?

The gear stick.

[TDK12345]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
-A stick

What did the guy hamburger say to the girl hamburger?
-Nice buns

Why are there no phone books in China?
-There are so many Wings and Wongs you might wing the wong number

By the way, this is the greatest thread ever.

[amokk1]

What's big yellow and can't swim ?

A Bulldozer.

------------

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle its balls.

------------

What do you call a head dirnking a bottle of coke?

coke - head

-------------

How do you know when its bedtime in neverlands?

When the big hand touches the little hand

-------------

Doctor : Yes, How Can I Help You?
Husband : I Am Here To Get A Mole Checked...
Wife: oh... F--K Off!

-------------

What is it called when people who exchange clothes with other peple all the time?
Share - wear.

--------------

What do you call a sheep reading a book with a lamp?

Lamb chops

--------------

[Zazoo]

-Knock, Knock
-Whos there?
-Tadius
-Tadius who?
-To be or not to be, Tadius the question.

My new mac told me this when I was testing the voice-program.

[The Dude 293]

How do you fit one thousand babys in a telephone both?


A blender.

[MightyMichu]

What happened when the elephant stepped on the grape?

It let out a little whine.

ZING!

More:

Have you heard about the new Jewish car?
It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

[Black/White man]

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

How do you keep a wild rhinocerous from charging?
Take away his credit card.

Who was homer?
The guy Babe Ruth made famous.

[=KingPineapple=]

Wanna hear a fast joke?
wanna hear another one?

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
two white bunnies jumped in a mud puddle.

thank you! oh stop please!I'll be here all night!

[bluesheep]

I have the lamest of all lame jokes.......


Why are school buses yellow?

Because purple was taken. :cool:

[Ov3rdose]

what do u call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye-deer.

What do u call a dog with no legs?
Dont worry its not comin to you.

[Kusanagi]

The secret to safe sex lies in the palm of your hand.

Safe sex means a padded headboard.

[alejmac]

Two peanuts are walking down a dark alley. One's a salted.


Ha ha, yours is the best Devastation.
I like this one too:

kid: Will you get me in trouble for doing nothing?
Teacher: Nope
Kid: Ok good 'cause I didn't do my homework.

This was posted by someone already, can't remember who though.

[James Bond 007]

What goes "Ooooooo" ????

A cow with no lips.

[=KingPineapple=]

What do you say to a chicken with no legs?
Can't cross the road now can you?!

[The Wat Now]

Ok My Turn Again

Q: what did batman say to robin before they got in the car?
A: "robin, get in the car"

A priest, a rabbi and an elephant walk into a bar, and the bartender says
"What is this, a joke?"

If your wife is yelling at you to open the front door, and your dog is
barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
The dog, because you know that he'll shut up.

A man walked into a doctors surgery, with a massive strawberry on his head! The doctor merely looked at the man, an exclaimed "I can give you some cream for that!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground"

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!

Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.

[Napalm517]

Man1: Kickinfacesaywhat
Man2: What?
*man 1 pumles man 2's face with his foot*

[MforceOFdeath]

1 man walks into a bar. The other ducks.

[harold]

Why did the pirate go to the movie?


because it was rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[pill popper]

did you here the joke about the meat?

your lucky, it was abunch of balony :icon_rofl



so this guy walks into a bar, after that he says OW! and gets a bandaid.

[paranoia]

A baby seal walks into a club...

vulgar but funny

[Roland]

What do you call a baby whale? -A little squirt.


ook......so what if it was a baby sperm whale?!? would it be a little....SPERM....squirt? :confused:

[babaloo]

what can see equally good from both ends?

a dog with his eyes closed

~ha, got it from my school's daily "joke of the day" during the announcements.

[Polkovnik]

What do you call a guy with no legs or arms?


A crippled son of a bitch!

[Bredren]

I love lame jokes, so post them here

what red and looks like a bucket?
a red bucket!!!! lol

whats brown and sticky?
a stick!!!!!! hahaha Okay i have one

There is a farmer that had a cow and the cow said moo

[Cool Name]

What did the 96,000,000 battered woman have in common last year?

All 96,000,000 didn't know when to shut up.

A whale walks/moves into the bar somehow and sits down. The bartender asks him want he wants to drink. What ever the f*ck whales say.

[scott_man_25]

what did the king say when he saw a heard of elephant coming toward his kingdom?
the elephants are coming

what did the king say when he saw a heard of elephant coming toward his kingdom wearing sunglasses?
nothing he didnt recognize them

[Polkovnik]

How to kill a snake?

Give it to gay guy.

[JustinJJ]

Why did the guy order fish for dinner?

For the Halibut

There once was a Native American tribe in the mid west. This tribe was constantly getting lost in the wilderness. One time someone saw the tribe wandering around in the forest. The person asked "Who are you?" The Chief answered "We're the Hekarwi"

How Long is a china man.

[Prince_Vegeta]

Why did the orange stop?
Because it ran out of juice

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate

What happened to the Irish Jellyfish?
it set

whats black and white and red all over?
a penguin with sunburn

How do monkeys make toast
put bread under the gorilla

what did the sea say to the shore?
nothing, it just waved

how do you know an elephants been in your refridgerator?
footprints in the butter

what do you call a man with a sea gull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a man with a paper bag over his head?
Russell

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
And after the doctors removed it?
Douglas

What do you call a man under a car?
Jack

[notallama]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you", and the grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve?"
Get it? Because theres a drink called a grasshopper...

[PlasticMan2112]

Get it? Because theres a drink called a grasshopper...
No....
Way....

[TDK12345]

What do you call a man on a barbeque?
-Frank

What do you call a woman on a barbeque?
-Patty

What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean?
-Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's hanging on the wall?
-Art

What do you call his arms and legs?
-Pieces of Art

[tophizzle]

2 sausages are in a frying pan one sausage says

"Damn Its hot in here"

the other sausage says

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT JESUS MARY MOTHER OF GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE"

[stupidpuppet]

what's 20 inches long and makes women scream?

crib death. :eek:

i know, tasteless and wrong, but admit it, you laughed a little.

[Polkovnik]

How do you kill a gay guy?

Give him a snake.

[gUy]

How do you kill a gay guy?

Give him a snake.


How do you be an idiot?

you post your same not funny jokes again.

[Polkovnik]

How do you be a fucking dumbass?


Not realize that the jokes are different. ;)


PS: Look at the thread name, "LAME JOKES kick ass" So by definition, this thread is for lame, unfunny jokes.

[DreadPirateWes]

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with NO legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a DOG with NO legs?
Doesn't matter, it can't come.

Hee hee haw haw weeeeeeeeeeeee! These are great! More more please!

[Pirate_Party]

Q) Why did the chicken cross the road?
































A) Pastamania!http://img142.exs.cx/img142/8541/pastamania5bx.gif

[duckie99]

o know how parents use those tiny spoons and forks to feed their babies? wut do chinese mothers feed their babies with? toothpicks?

[Lamdun32]

A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Zazoo]

because what is stickyer than a stick... it is sticky

Sticks rule... (http://img50.exs.cx/img50/7140/90pissedofftree0hh.jpg)

[kkevvy]

Ancient Chinese saying go:
Scorpion in pants make life interesting.

Bacon and 2 eggs walk into a bar
The Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

[notallama]

-How do you put a zebra in a fridge?
Open the door and put it in.

-How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Take the zebra out.

-You're late for a big animal meeting, like in The Lion King. All the animals are there. You have to cross an alligator-infested river. What do you do?
Cross it, the alligators are at the meeting.

-You arrive at the animal meeting, and you realize someone's missing. Who is it?
The elephant. He's in the fridge.

[west495]

-How do you put a zebra in a fridge?
Open the door and put it in.

-How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Take the zebra out.

-You're late for a big animal meeting, like in The Lion King. All the animals are there. You have to cross an alligator-infested river. What do you do?
Cross it, the alligators are at the meeting.

-You arrive at the animal meeting, and you realize someone's missing. Who is it?
The elephant. He's in the fridge.



I would like to assure everyone that no zebra's or elaphant's were harmed in the making of these jokes

[James Bond 007]

Why cant pakkis play football/ soccer???
Everytime they go to take a corner kick they stop and try and build a shop on it.

[kkevvy]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The
Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.


21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.


22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[SmoothKnight]

Why Do People Have The Need To Capatalize Every Word?
ThE wOrLd WiLl NeVeR kNoW....

[scOOby]

whats green and red and flies around ya garden?

chitty chitty rhobarb

[MrDeliquent85]

Why do birds fly south in the winter ?

because its too far to walk. :p

[mateo]

So Buddha walks into a pizza shop and says, 'Make me one with everything.'
-------
Two Adams (atoms) are walking down the street and one Adam (atom) says to the other...
'Shit, I lost an electron.'
The other turns and says, 'Are you sure.'
'YEAH, I'm POSITIVE!'
-------
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
-------
What's the number one leading cause of dry skin? Towels
-------
What do you call a fish with no eye? fshhhh fsssshhhh

What do you call a deer missing an eye? No eye-deer

What do you call a deer with no legs and missing an eye? Still no-eye deer
-------
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, AND will KILL you if it falls from a tree? A pool table
-------
Lamest: Why are giraffes heads so far away from their bodies? Cause their necks are soooooo long. Told ya.
-------
You're so dumb, you couldn't write a screenplay for an adult film.
-------
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?
-------
I've been looking for a thread such as this!

[Polkovnik]

Haha i got one


What to female Giraffes give Male Giraffes when they've been really good?



Deep Throat

[TDK12345]

Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
-If they didn't, they'd fall.

[whocares]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
(Jon)

------
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

------
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

------
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

------
You so short you have to look up to look down.

------
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

------
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

------
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

------
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

------
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!

------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

------
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

------
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

------
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

------
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

------
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

------
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

------
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

------
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

------
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

------
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.

------
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

------
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

------
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

------
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

------
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
------
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

"You look a bit flushed."
------
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

[mateo]

...poop...

[whocares]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[west495]

My pal courtney told me this one and i and as teh creator of this thread i felt obligated to post it for u all to enjoy:

moma corn: hi baby corn
baby corn: where is "pop corn"!!!!!!!!


Frickin hillariouse

[whocares]

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

[Ol' Greystoke]

why'd the monkey die?- it fell out of a tree!

why'd the monkey die?- it fell out of a tree!

why'd the monkey die?- it got hit by a fridge!

why'd the rhyno die?- it got hit by three monkeys and a fridge! :) :lol:



What's green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

a pool table! :lol:

[stupidpuppet]

why'd the monkey die?- it fell out of a tree!
:lol:


i heard it in reverse and i've never laughed so hard...

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead

adding "dead" in the punchline just gives it the extra stupid kick. :)

[Nucking Futs]

2 muffins sitting in an oven

1st muffin:holy cow is it hot in here

2nd muffin: Holy shit a talking muffin!!!!!!

[Tomarse]

where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
wher you left him



what do you call a polar bear in new york?
lost



what do you call an elephant in a telephone box?
stuck

[bono_b]

a magician is performing a magic trick, he sticks a hand up a mans ass then says look no hands :insane:

[Polkovnik]

how do you kill a gay guy? give him a banana with anal poison in it ahhahahah hah h h hahahahahahah


:icon_rofl
:icon_rofl
:icon_rofl
:icon_rofl
:icon_rofl
:icon_rofl

[nightryder360]

Where do the Chinese get their taxes done?


ASIAN-R-Block!

ive got a million of em..

[DEMONRISEING]

whats the diferance between a cow and a woman?

a cow can stand up to its tits in water and not get its cunt wet.

whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

a kid with birst arm bands

man walks into a bar. owch

i have plenty more.

although i do find the first one amusing

[west495]

Hey guys, its me the creator of the thread, knowing that everyone loves these i dug up another lame one lol

What did one wall say to the other wall?
-"we will be in the corner" lol! :lol:

[Angry Mexican]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face" and the horse says "because I'm sad."

[Dual]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face" and the horse says "because I'm sad."

HAHAHA I'm serious that was best joke I've heard all week.

[reptilian_storm]

A fireman runs into a school holding up a screwdriver and shouts "This is NOT a drill!"

Sorry Oli. :lol:

[Polkovnik]

3 guys are running away from a crazy feminist in a pickup. The first guy takes out a knife and stabs one of the others, he eats his spleen, and then assrapes him, the second guy is like, "Holy shit! Can you have ass sex with me?" The other one goes "Ofcorse" So he guts him and eats his large intestine, then he rips his balls off and assrapes him. Then he masturbates and it causes his ass to explode.

THE END

[reptilian_storm]

As far as lame jokes go that was fucking terrible.

I mean not funny, like you just made it up.

[Polkovnik]

Hint: Read thread title


Why was the dick arrested at the airport?


He carried 2 suspicious looking bags into the airplane.



2 guys are having dinner, one guy says "Holy shit, we are fags!"

[lilhyperazngrl]

[drops a sugar packet] i think u dropped your name tag

[lalaman77]

A fireman runs into a school, holding a screwdriver and yells "this is a drill!"

[Pirate_Party]

How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
















A) 1, its not that hard.

[Nacho]

Why was the Tomato blushing?
Because he saw the salad dressing

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb into a tree and act like a nut

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts

EDIT: Why was the shark so hungry after he ate the sea-weed?
He was on the reefer.

Why dont lobsters share?
Theyr'e shellfish.

Why can't DJ's play pool?
They can't help but scratching

Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
The "B" shells were to small

[Iwillsk84food]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.


best 1 yet...

[weeman147]

A fireman runs into a school, holding a screwdriver and yells "this is a drill!"


I can't believe you just messed up one of the EASIEST jokes ever. The correct wa to tel it is:
A fireman runs into a school with a screwdriver and yells "This is not a drill!"

[napolandynamite]

maybe a repost

Q: How do you get a clown out of a tree?

A: You hit him in the face with an axe

[Vilkata]

how do you let an old thread die?
DON"T POST


Nothing personal, im just in a pissy mood right now, sorry about the inconvinience. Have a nice day.

[buddahboi691990]

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

[Zooch]

Why did the robber take a bath?

To make a clean get-away.

[texaspballa97]

why did the 115 year old man die???

he was 115

[Noobkiller]

What looks like an animal but sounds like a bear?

A: a bear
P.S( i told this joke in class half of them didnt know the answer :icon_rofl )

[evil joe]

Dude 1: Knock Knock
Dude 2: Who's there?
Dude 1: An interupting cow.
Dude 2: An interupti-
Dude 1: MOO!!!

How many Japanese people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who cares? Japanese people have funny looking eyes.

What did the old guy say before he watched TV?
"God damn i'm bored! Im gunna watch sum god damn TV!"

[Alice**]

When is it dinner time at the Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

(For all you sly retards out there, I'm referring to how MJ always grabs his crotch.)

[evil joe]

actually that is soposed to show how MJ (big hand) touches children (little hand)

-der

[Espeon]

How many ppl with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Hey, wanna go ride bikes?

[Krivitsky]

Where do locomotives grow on trees?
In train forests

Where is a monkeys favorite place to eat lunch?
The banana shop

Why did the man put caramel and nuts on top of his ice cream?
To make it tastier

Why did the talking dog smoke cigarettes?
Because he couldn't quit

[whocares]

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

And this is kinda lame also, but have certainty in it.

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

[TheBigDelly]

a guy walks into a bar...ouch!

can girraffes have babies?
No they can only have giraffes.

whats black and white and black and white and black and white and green?
3 skunks eating a pickle

[jud420]

---"Beggars can't be choosers"------
At the local supermarket where Jon works as a bag boy, they're doing some rennovations and putting in a little cafe & hotdog stand. Its going to have a soda fountain and even a place where they serve freshly squeezed lemonade. One day, Jon talks to his manager and asks him if he can be promoted to working the lemonade machine when the rennovations are done. The manager replies, sorry Jon, but baggers can't be juicers.

-------------------------------------

How do you get a clown off of a swing? Hit him in the face with an axe.

-------------------------------------

Whats a pirates favorite kind of socks? ARRRRRRRGGGGGILE

-------------------------------------

[Artless Ib]

WOW this is great hope its not been done be4.

Hikory Dikory Dok
2 MIce ran Up the Clock
the CLocK strUck 1

And ThE oTHer 1 Got AWay

gan a get an encore:cool:

[floydheadnumba1]

Did you hear about the party?







IN MY PANTS!

[SmoothKnight]

A guy thats completely lost finds a farmhouse, he walks up to the door, pounds on the door for awhile, farmer finally walks up to the door. The guy asks, "Hi, do you have a phone I could use?"

Farmer says, "No, but I can drive you into town mornin, you can stay in the barn for the night."

Guy goes into the barn, and there are his 2 HOT naked daughters waiting for him. The guy walks back to the farmhouse, and tells the farmer, "Sorry, wrong joke."

[Polkovnik]

Well, once upon a time, there was a boy named Billy.

Billy liked to burn things, and one time he was playing with fire, and he burned his pee pee.

His mommy rushed over and kissed it.

[James Bond 007]

How do Welsh people find sheep in long grass???
Irresistable.


Why do Scottish men wear kilts???
Bcoz sheep run off if they hear a zipper undoing


Whats yellow and smells of bananas???
Monkey sick.

:D

[String Bean]

q: what do you call a fish with no eyes?
a: a fshhhh.

q: what is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
a: it's a lot easier to roast beef.

q: what did the fish say when it hit the wall?
a: dam!

[San Andreas]

What do you call to hispanics playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

[whocares]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
-------------------------
Why dwarfs laugh while they play the soccer?

- Because the grass tickles their balls!

[Brocktonbb490]

A man wiith half of his head a peach walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey buddy its your lucky night im gonig to give you three wishes". Well the man with half of his head a peach wishes for a free drink for his first wish. After he finishes his drink he wishes for a free smoke outside. After the free smoke the man wishes for the other side of his head to be a peach too.

[HardLuckKid01]

These all come from donandmikewebsite.com

What actress is number one in Egypt?
Mia PHAROAH!

What cable network only features programming about prostitutes?
HO-time!

Which cop show do Swedes miss the most?
SVEN YPD Blue!

What classic sit-com star is always falling down?
DIZZY Arnaz!

What 70's rock band wrote its songs in Hebrew?
JEW Oyster Cult!

Who is Napoleon Dynamite's favorite golfer?
LIGER Woods!

Which of the Waltons went "both ways"?
ELTON JOHN-Boy!

What Sylvester Stallone movie is number one in Baghdad?
I-ROCKY!

What does Tommy Lee put on his salad?
MOTLEY CRUE-tons!

[whocares]

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
----------------------
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
----------------------
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[Well Me]

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. One says "pass the soap". The other says "NO SOAP RADIO"

Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!

Whats blue and fluffy? Cotton Candy!

Whats brown and sticky? A stick!

[NiNJaCYaNiDe]

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?

Because he heard that little boys' pants were half off. :lol: :lol:

[whocares]

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A. Quattro sinko.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers.

Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A. A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

Q. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A. They're hiring.

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.

[HardLuckKid01]

Q: what's brown and sticky?

A: A stick!


Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A: A stick!

Ive got a million stick jokes...

[Polkovnik]

What's long, hard, brown and feels good when shoved into holes?

A stick! :rolleyes:




This guy named Phil was once eating a lobster, then suddenly, Phil's penis turns purple, he goes to a doctor and he tells Phil that he has Purplelobsterpenisulosis.

Phil was devastated, so he went home and fucked a monkey.

[dans whatsup]

you ask someone how the weather is and theyll say idk or whatever ..then u reply wrong!! theres a twister(( tittie twister)) in bankock ((bang in the crouch))
hehe

[guitarguy]

why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed