kupkrazie
09-26-2004, 03:05 AM
Chili Contest!
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who moved to
Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as one of the judges at a
chili
cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to
the
beer wagon, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?! You could use it to
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I
hope what's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, getting me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting blasted from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; That 300 lb. Bimbo is starting to look
HOT,
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I crapped my pants when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, and he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
in my stomach.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 8 - BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN' ASS CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really
hot
chili?
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who moved to
Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as one of the judges at a
chili
cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to
the
beer wagon, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?! You could use it to
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I
hope what's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, getting me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting blasted from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; That 300 lb. Bimbo is starting to look
HOT,
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I crapped my pants when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, and he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
in my stomach.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 8 - BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN' ASS CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really
hot
chili?