rammer67
09-26-2004, 11:09 PM
A truck driver goes into a brothel and says to the madam, "Here's $500, give me a bolongna sandwich and the ugliest girl you have."
The madam says, "But sir, for $500 you can have the finest meal and the most beautiful girl here."
The trucker replies, "I'm not horny, I'm home sick."
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A priest, please!" repeats the dying man.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic.
But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
The madam says, "But sir, for $500 you can have the finest meal and the most beautiful girl here."
The trucker replies, "I'm not horny, I'm home sick."
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A priest, please!" repeats the dying man.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic.
But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.