Melonhead1
11-07-2004, 11:02 PM
Alright funny ones!!
1. Going to work?
Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I no come work
today, I real sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel
sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me
feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I
feeling great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
2. three wishes for bear and rabbit
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."
3. The Coffin <--- Long but funny ;)
A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry
and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she
would rather die than to live another year in prison. Over the
years she had become good friends with one of the prison
caretakers.
His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a
graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner
died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone.
The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket.
Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate
before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally,
he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and
shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the
woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where
the coffins were kept.
She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the
caretaker was filling out the death certificate. When the care-
taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin
outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the
dead body. He would then bury the coffin.
The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe
until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the
graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open
it, and set her free.
The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since
he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he
agreed to do it. The woman waited several weeks before some-
one in the prison died.
She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring.
She got up, picked the lock of her cell, and slowly walked down
the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart
was beating fast.
She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins
were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained
the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid
Shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.
Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and
nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with
the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step
closer to freedom.
The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the
graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground.
She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave
with a thud.
Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden
coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be
Free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to
laugh.
She was free! She was free!
Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the
Identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that
she was lying next to the dead caretaker.
YAY! more to come....
1. Going to work?
Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I no come work
today, I real sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel
sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me
feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I
feeling great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
2. three wishes for bear and rabbit
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."
3. The Coffin <--- Long but funny ;)
A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry
and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she
would rather die than to live another year in prison. Over the
years she had become good friends with one of the prison
caretakers.
His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a
graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner
died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone.
The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket.
Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate
before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally,
he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and
shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the
woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where
the coffins were kept.
She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the
caretaker was filling out the death certificate. When the care-
taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin
outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the
dead body. He would then bury the coffin.
The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe
until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the
graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open
it, and set her free.
The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since
he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he
agreed to do it. The woman waited several weeks before some-
one in the prison died.
She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring.
She got up, picked the lock of her cell, and slowly walked down
the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart
was beating fast.
She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins
were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained
the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid
Shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.
Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and
nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with
the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step
closer to freedom.
The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the
graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground.
She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave
with a thud.
Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden
coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be
Free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to
laugh.
She was free! She was free!
Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the
Identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that
she was lying next to the dead caretaker.
YAY! more to come....