Ten Puns To Live By

[Viet Era Marine]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.
One can only wonder what the losers were like.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam"!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His stated goal was to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
smile. No pun in ten did????

Regards,
VEM

[Devastation]

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

This one made me laugh, out loud even.

Regards,
DeV

[Sherlock]

only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
:icon_rofl I thought these two were great.

[callmejulio]

This one's kind of stupid but funny.

This dude's wife was about to go into labor, but they didn't have a way to get to the hospital. So he has to call his idiot brother whom he hates to ask for a ride. So the brother drove them and the first guy's wife was taken into the delivery room. When she gives birth, her husband sees that she's had twins, and he passes out. He comes to an hour later and asks the nurse what happened. "You passed out about an hour ago when your wife had twins." said the nurse. "Oh my god," said the guy "did everything work out well?" The nurse answers, "Yes, you have a healthy son and daughter. But, you weren't there when they were being legally processed, so your brothere named them." "Oh no! Not that dumbass!" said the guy, "What did he name them?" "Your daughter was named Deneice." The guy says, "Actually, that's not all that bad. What did he name my son?" "Well, he named your son Denephew."

[joshisposer]

now that was a great joke :D