Little Johnny Jokes

[Tazer]

I figured, we could all use a bit of USMC humor. We in the Corps THRIVE on Lil Johnny jokes. So if ya got one, two or a million, post 'em here. Just try to keep the reposts to a minimum, so I don't have to dual post them on our bulliten board in PMO. I'll start with one that makes us laugh all the time.

Little Johnny was playing with his toy train set in the living room Christmas morning. His Mother was in the kitchen making Christmas Dinner when she heard Johnny in the living room playing.

"Chooo Choooo! Next stop, Train Station!" A few seconds go by. "Okay, all you assholes who want off my train, get off my train. All you assholes who want on my train get on my train. And all you assholes who are staying on my train, stay on my train." Little Johnny's mother was amazed, but of course that couldn't be Johnny saying that. So a few minutes pass and again "Chooo Choooo! Next stop, Train Station!" A few seconds go by. "Okay, all you assholes who want off my train, get off my train. All you assholes who want on my train get on my train. And all you assholes who are staying on my train, stay on my train." So Little Johnny's mother comes out and looks at Johnny.
"Johnny, little boys shouldn't curse so much. I have to punish you, go sit in the corner until I tell you that you can play with your train set again." So Johnny gets up and walks to the corner, and sits, angry. So finally an hour passes by and his mom comes back and says "Okay Johnny, I think you have learned your lesson, go back to playing with your train set." So Johnny jumps up and runs to the train set, and sits down playing, after a few minutes Johnny says "Okay, all you nice people who want on my train, get on my train, all you nice people who want off my train get off my train, and all you nice people who aren't going anywhere, stay on my train. And all of who are pissed about the hour long delay, you can blame that BITCH in the kitchen!" :eek:

[DreadPirateWes]

Teacher is having a vocab lesson. Kids are to say the word aloud, then use it in a sentence. The word is urinate. Little Johnny races to the front of the room and says "Urinate. U R I N A T E. Yaaaaay!"

The teacher says, "That's very nice, little Johnny. Now please use urinate in a sentence."

Johnny pauses a moment, then grins and says "Urinate, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

BAH DAH BING. You've heard it other ways I'm sure. But that's how I remember it. MORE FUN JOKES PLEASE!

Hey Tazer, you in Japan? SO AM I! Navy base? I'm at a Navy base!!!

[krazikanaidian]

Little Johnny was in class one day learning multi-syllible (I cant spell) words. Suzie raises her hand.
"Yes?" Says the teacher. "Do you have a word?"
"Re-turn!"
"Yes! Thats right! Billy, do you have a word?"
"Pic-ture"
"Correct! Johnny, What is your word?"
"Mas-tur-bate," Says Johnny.
"Wow thats a mouthful!" Says the teacher.
"No, that would be a blow job."

[sNiPe_]

haha krazi reps for you

[ziktaar]

One day in pre-K the teacher brought a brown paper bag to class. She reached into the bag and told the class, "I have some fruit in this bag. I'll give you some clues, and you try to guess what I am holding onto." The class agrees. "It is red and round, and it has a stem."

Suzie raised her hand. "An apple?"

"No, Suzy, it's a cherry, but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny had raised his hand, but the teacher didn't call on him.

"Okay. This one is purple, and also round." Johnny raised his hand, shaking it back and forth. The teacher told herself not to call on him, he would only say something inappropriate. Finally another boy raised his hand, Mark.

"A plum?" he guessed. Johnny sighed, annoyed.

"No, it's a grape, but I like your thinking. I only have one more-- it's long and yellow."

Johnny raised his hand again. No one in the room raised their hand for almost thirty seconds, but the teacher told herself NOT to call on Johnny. Betty-Sue raised hers eventually. "A banana?"

"No, it's a plantain, but I like your thinking."

Johnny was thoroughly pissed. He jumped out of his seat and raised his hand as high as he possibly could, straining. The teacher sighed and gave up, calling on him. "Okay teach, I have one for you!"

The teacher, surprised and pleased, agreed.

"I have something in my pocket," Johnny said, "It's round and hard, and it has a head. What is it?"

The teacher gasped. "Johnny! That's disgusting!"

Johnny just grinned. "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking."

[banjo1735]

One day in pre-K the teacher brought a brown paper bag to class. She reached into the bag and told the class, "I have some fruit in this bag. I'll give you some clues, and you try to guess what I am holding onto." The class agrees. "It is red and round, and it has a stem."

Suzie raised her hand. "An apple?"

"No, Suzy, it's a cherry, but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny had raised his hand, but the teacher didn't call on him.

"Okay. This one is purple, and also round." Johnny raised his hand, shaking it back and forth. The teacher told herself not to call on him, he would only say something inappropriate. Finally another boy raised his hand, Mark.

"A plum?" he guessed. Johnny sighed, annoyed.

"No, it's a grape, but I like your thinking. I only have one more-- it's long and yellow."

Johnny raised his hand again. No one in the room raised their hand for almost thirty seconds, but the teacher told herself NOT to call on Johnny. Betty-Sue raised hers eventually. "A banana?"

"No, it's a plantain, but I like your thinking."

Johnny was thoroughly pissed. He jumped out of his seat and raised his hand as high as he possibly could, straining. The teacher sighed and gave up, calling on him. "Okay teach, I have one for you!"

The teacher, surprised and pleased, agreed.

"I have something in my pocket," Johnny said, "It's round and hard, and it has a head. What is it?"

The teacher gasped. "Johnny! That's disgusting!"

Johnny just grinned. "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking."

It has a beter effect if you say "It's round, hard, and it has a pink head" instead and say the answer is a pencil.

[Tazer]

CLEAN LITTLE JOHNNY JOKE

Little Johnny is going to visit his dad for a weekend. So he is packing up his little red wagon, and he is loading it with damn near every thing he can get his grubby little hands on in his room.

So Johnny is going to his Dad's house, walking along, dragging this red wagon along. So he comes to this hill, and he starts tugging this red wagon up the hill. The entire way, from start to finish, he is cussing up a storm. Fuck this, Screw this, motherfuckin Cart. All the way up the hill. One elderly woman is like "Oh Johnny, you shouldn't curse like that. It's bad." And you know Johnny he's like "Fuck you lady."

So he's goin along some more, and he comes to an even bigger hill, and starts hiking up it, pulling on that red wagon, yet again, he's cursin up a storm. So a young couple stop him, and "Johnny, you shouldn't curse like that, it's bad. Little kids shouldn't cuss." And you know Johnny, he just gave them the finger and kept on tugging.

Finally, he is on his last hill on his way to his Dad's house. And he is tugging that red wagon up a hill past a Monastary. One of the priests inside hears Johnny and walks out saying. "Johnny, you shouldn't curse like that, it makes God unhappy." And Johnny never being the believing type says. "It's not lilke God is around." And the Priest said "Oh, Johnny, I beg to differ. He is everywhere. He is in the air, in the trees, in the monastary." So Johnny, absolutely amazed says "So he's in my little red wagon?" The Priest shrugs and says "Yes. He is even in your little red wagon." Without missing a beat he looks up at the priest and says "Damn, I wondered why this things was so heavy, tell the bastard to get out and help me pull!"

[joshisposer]

these were the best jokes ever

[Tazer]

DAMN come on people, let's get some more Johnny jokes going. I am going to talk to a few of the people on my shift, see if I can get a few of them going tonight. Get some more laughs out of all of ya!

[Tazer]

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J o h n n y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Johnnys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Johnny gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"