just jokes

[madman18]

Heaven's New Policy

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


these are the kind of jokes found on http://student.cs.ucc.ie/~mad1 join the forum where there will be an excellent new joke every week.

[jr10102]

: LOL dude that was funny. Here is one of mine. One day a boy's girlfriend called him and asked him to have dinner with her and her parents. Since this was such a special occasion she said they were going to do it afterwards. By this point the boy accepted and was estatic. Since this was his first time he went to the pharmasist for advice. After he heard what he needed to know he went to the girls house. Before dinner they said prair and after ten minutes the boy still had his head down. His girlfriend leaned over and said"I didn't know you were that religious." Then he said"I didn't know your dad was a pharmasist." :lol: :lol: :bang:

[madman18]

good joke man,
now i'm going to enlighten ye with one of my favourites, its called.

Don''t Say a Word

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should''ve been. His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don''t say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven''t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend''s father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I''ll do the goddam dishes!"

[OmnicientEye]

nice one here's an old classic

An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
The barman turns to them and says "is this a joke"

[babysmilez]

lol that waz a good one

[greenday10102]

LOl, alright here's a good one....... There were three guys in a bar. The first guy said to the second guy" Hey, what's new in your life." The second guy said"Well my son got promoted from janitor at the bank to executive and he bought a lexus for his new love." The first guy said" Yeah, my son bought his new love ah ouse on the beach." The third guy exuses himself to go to the bathroom. When he came back he was sad and moping around. The first guy asked him why he was sad and he said"I just found out my son was gay. The good news is that he got a lexus and a house on the beach from his new love!" :icon_rofl :icon_rofl

[Boo Duh!]

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

enjoy

[madman18]

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

[paint52baller]

hey madman18 in your second post you said his name is eddie and then stevie and ebaums already put that one on the home page before.

[madman18]

i didn't realise, sorry. :sleeping:

[Trevi626]

I have a good one I heard off of Comedy Central.

Right in the Groove.

So it's the 70s, in the disco era, you know? And this guy with a big attitude (and a big afro) walks into a diner. He goes up to the waiter, and says, "Yo waiter, I'm pretty hungry. Give me a hamburger. But not too greasy, not too dry, but right in the groove."

Then the waiter asks if he wants fries eith that. He replies, "Ya, but no too greasy, not too crispy, but right in the groove."

When asked for his choice of drink, he said, "I want a milkshake, but not too thick, not too thin, but right in the groove."

The waiter is getting pretty ticked by now so he asks to be excused to talk to the cook.

Five min. later, he comes and says:

"Well, the cook says you can KISS HIS ASS! But not to the right, oh no. not to he left either. But RIGHT IN THE GROOVE!"

[OmnicientEye]

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.



Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!


Rockin'!!! :icon_rofl

[blade_700]

good
what do you get when you cross a midget with a hooker?

a little fucker

[Sonic X]

this ones good....okay there was a 60 year old a 70 year old and an 80 year old the 60 year old says it sucks being 60 it hurts too pee then the 70 year old says it sucks being 70 because it hurts to poo then the 80 year old says it sucks being 80 the 60 and 70 year olds say well whats wrong 60 year old says does it hurt too pee ? the 70 year old says does it hurt too poo ? the 80 year old says no i poo at 6:00 everymorning and i pee at 7:00 everymorning the 60 and 70 year old say well...whats the problem the 80 year old says i don't get up till 8:00 :)

[deacvision7]

What screams, crys and heads straight for the river?



A baby thrown off of a bridge.

[WizeNclever_09]

nice one here's an old classic

An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
The barman turns to them and says "is this a joke"


Call me stupid but, I don't get it.

[awesomeO 3000]

In a lot a jokes they say 3 guys walk into a bar or something like that. Why did you bump this old thread anyways?

[eadgbe]

#1 - an irishman walks out of a bar.....


#2 - i want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[The Raven]

^------- :wtf: --------

[MunkeySpunk69]

A man would leave the farm where he worked each day with a wheelborrow full of hay, each day the farmer boss would ask the man "what are smuggling outta here?" He would check the hay and, much to his shagrin, held only hay.For three years the same routine continued, he'd leave with a wheelbarrow of hay and each time it would be nothing but hay.Finally, the man retired, just as he left the farmer boss asked him,"you gotta tell me son what were you stealin' from here?" the man looked at the farmer, smiled and said, "wheelbarrows."


im a n00b so if i posted this wrong sorry.

[Capt_Canada]

Stop with all the reposts the first seven are reposts for sure (except for the comment) and I got lazy and didint read the rest.

[hellraiser_427]

this ones good....okay there was a 60 year old a 70 year old and an 80 year old the 60 year old says it sucks being 60 it hurts too pee then the 70 year old says it sucks being 70 because it hurts to poo then the 80 year old says it sucks being 80 the 60 and 70 year olds say well whats wrong 60 year old says does it hurt too pee ? the 70 year old says does it hurt too poo ? the 80 year old says no i poo at 6:00 everymorning and i pee at 7:00 everymorning the 60 and 70 year old say well...whats the problem the 80 year old says i don't get up till 8:00 :)
HOLY FUCK LEARN HOW TO USE PUNCTUATION! My fucking eyes are bleeding after reading that shitty post.

[buddahboi691990]

A pirate walks into a doctor's office and say "Arggh doctor, my balls hurt!" so the doctor takes a look. A few minutes later the doctor tells the pirate "no wonder, there's a steering wheel stuck in there." The pirate responds "Arghh, well get it out! its driving me nuts!"

[_Joe]

Q: Did you hear about that one hot girl from (insert town you HATE)?

A: No...

[twiztid one]

Q: Did you hear about that one hot girl from (insert town you HATE)?

A: No...



that was one of the gayest posts i have ever seen... :banghead:

[Madthief]

An American, a Canadian and a Mexican go into a hotel and go up to the front desk to get rooms. The man at the desk makes all the arrangments for the three men and then asks the American "How many sheets would you like on your bed?"

The American says, "Well two sheets I guess. One on top and one on the bottom."

Next the Canadian is asked "How many sheets would you like on your bed?"

The Canadian says "Well two sheets I guess. One on top and one on the bottom"

Next the Mexican is asked "How many sheets would you like on your bed?"

The Mexican says "You take a sheet on my bed I keel you!"