Funny Jokes!!

[Blackbird7]

Ok I have some really funny jokes, some are very funny and some not.

We start.....


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As we all know, we start with Osama.

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do...

I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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This one is awesome!!

"I love you too"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple inbed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying thegirl to the bed he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy'san escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of timein jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Ifhe wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering inmy ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if wehad any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you.


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What do you think? I didn't make them up, just some good ones I've heard.
I did make this quote up though:

I know where I live... (it sounds funny how I say it, but not funny at all in words.

[CSPope]

Pretty good post :)
I wish I knew where I lived....

[pudgmo]

Its a good thing that was funny....
I know where you live too :thud:

[StorchyRumsweet]

i really liked the first

[Solid Snake]

The first one was funny. The second one I think was even on Ebaumsworld.

[SoulS Sword]

I wish I knew where I lived....
^first of all...what the fuck?
second of all...nice posts, theyall had me laughing. especially the last one. meh heh. :D

[bonoboy]

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.



The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.


"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.


I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up. :)