Funny sex jokesJokes

[DMMcphee]

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - -

Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offers really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He's actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!"




A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her down below.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."








During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."








The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess?!"


edit: sorry, i fucked up on the title

[Lady_Alexiel]

hehe, cool. I have to remember some of those

[Fox_Bot]

Haha these were good.:lol:

[Jk1725]

good stuff

[pudgmo]

Stop me if you heard this one.

A widower returning to her mansion after her husbands funeral finds the butler (Alfred) standing in the Foyer. The widower takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bed room. Alfred, she says, take off my dress, he does. Alfred take my blouse, he does. Alfred take of my bra, he does. Afred take off my painties, he does. If I catch you wearing my clothes again your fired!

[hellbound]

STOP aw too late

[jimjam5000]

ha ha these jokes are good

[pudgmo]

I couldn't let my favorite thread die, its why I come here...

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser, I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything," He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says, "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want too hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away. The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."