Football is gay
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1. The fact that you can day drink: We gays love to enjoy a spirit or two; however, getting trashed at brunch is gauche, and if you drink too much, you friends will call you an alcoholic. However, getting blackout drunk at 1 p.m. on a Sunday while watching football is not only excepted but a requirement. It’s not uncommon for those ramped-up football fans to partake in one too many adult beverages during the Lord’s day while a good championship rivalry is going down. And if you pass out before 5 p.m., no one judges you for your excess.
2. The Super Bowl: The Super Bowl is literally the gayest event of the year. This year, not only was it announced that Beyoncé would be performing during the halftime festivities, but it was rumored that she would be reunited with the former members of Destiny’s Child. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything gayer. Oh, wait, I have, because Madonna headlined the event last year.
3. The men: I don’t know about the rest of you, but watching grown men wearing tights and beating the shit out of each other brings me instant gratification. I don’t understand why more gay men don’t enjoy a sport that consists of men wrestling each other for an hour, but I suppose that’s just me.
4. The drama: Personally, I believe the best part of Sunday afternoons happens before the games even start. Each and every network that hosts NFL games has its own theme music equipped with avatars of the players looking super-pissed and out for blood. Not only that, but words like “anticipated,” “heated,” “longstanding rivalry” and “payback” are thrown around with the greatest of ease during the promotion of each upcoming game. It’s so overly dramatic, and I personally can’t get enough. If you threw Madeleine Stowe up there with the dramatic lighting and ominous music, you’d think you were watching a preview for Revenge, not FOX’s NFL Sunday.
5. Tom Brady: I couldn’t care less about the New England Patriots, but let’s face facts: The man is gorgeous. I would honestly watch him sell manure to a pig farmer in North Dakota for hours on end. That chiseled face, those pearly white teeth and the fact that he always looks fresh with hair product even after he takes off his helmet makes him a god, and every gay man should bow down in thanks.
6. The sexual innuendos: Not only do these hardworking men beat the crap out of each other for a living, but for whatever reason they also love slapping each other on the ass. Get a couple of Green Bay Packers up in there, and it’s better than any gay porn I’ve ever paid for — and it’s free!